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Us against the World

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by superandroidbeta, Mar 12, 2009.

  1. Let me start by saying this is my first Pokemon fanfic, and it's told from the eyes of two Pokemon. Please be gentle with yer reviews. I'm Gonna give this a shot.
    And so it begins...

    [size=12pt]CH1: The Brutal Beginning[/size]

    This tale of tragedy begins in a double battle with some bastard from a gang called 'Lords of Light'. And the Man's Pokemon were far stronger that we'd thought. My trainer had recalled me and his other pokemon, but the Tyranitar's Fire Blast wasn't aimed for either of us. It was aimed for him. He took the full force of the devestating attack. It had even melted some of his clothing INTO his skin.

    Now that we weren't there to defend him, The man's other pokemon made it's attack. A massive example of a Machamp strolled up to him and slammed his ribcage with a deadly Focus Punch. The impact was accompanied by the sickening crack of breaking bones and sent my trainer's arms into the air. Flinging the two pokeballs he'd been holding from recalling us.

    We landed a few seconds later and the Pokeballs burst open. It was already over. The gangster had even recalled his pokemon and started walking away. Had my trainer not been in mortal danger, I'd have ripped the guy's arms off and fed them to him. But my only concern was saving my trainer's life.

    And so, we carried him to the closest place we could think of that had medical equipment... The Pokemon Center. Everyone inside looked terrified as the two of us carried him in from outside. He was bleeding from the mouth and ears and burned over most of his body. Thank God for the people there. They didn't even ask what happened as they rushed him into an operating room. But soon after he was taken in, a man in a white lab coat approached us.

    "You use telepathy, I know it. Tell me what happened"

    And so for the next half-hour, I explained to him what had occurred. He shook his head and gave us both a bite to eat.

    "It will be a while before we know if he's ok. But as it stands, his chances aren't good. We will let you know what happens either way."

    He was nice. I liked him. And so we milled around the lobby of the center for a while, trying not to think about losing him. Until... Several hours later, the Nurse walked out of the Operating room with a grim look on her face. As we feared, our beloved trainer was dead. He'd given his life for us, and we weren't going to let him die in vain.

    "What should we do with his Pokemon?" asked one of the staff. But before they could decide what to do, We snatched up my trainer's old backpack and ran out of the building.

    But where are my manners? Hi... I'm Sol. I'm an Espeon. The big lug to my left is Terra. He's an Aggron. He doesn't say much... kinda a Serious guy. Me, I'm fairly Gentle unless something like this comes up. And as for The Lords of Light... we're going to get our revenge on them if it's the last thing we do. And so it begins. Terra and I are off on a journey of our own. And we're not out to make friends... have fun... or learn. We are out for blood.

    Chapter End
     
  2. I think, for the serious nature of your story, you could drop a few of the contractions you've used (such as "we're" in the last sentance becoming "we are"), this would most likely help to reflect that this is a dark and mature story; having an almost 'buddy' like approach in the narrative detracts from what I'm assuming you want to get across.

    I don't think you should use ellipses (the '...') so often, but that's just my personal opinion. I'm not a big fan of them. Apart from a few grammartical issues, such as capitalization here and there, it's not too bad. From mechanical point of view. Do you use a word processor for writing this?

    On to the story, I think you need a bit more detail in some areas. This feels a little rushed, also, instead of seeming as if this were a traumatic event, it comes off as being recalled with a disturbing factual tone. I think going into more detail (as aforementioned) and using more emotive adjectives might be useful.

    All that being said, your premise isn't uncommon (evil league doing evil stuff and killing people), but it's not very often you see an entire story from a Pokemon's point of veiw (however I still hate first person). Do continue with this, it looks to be interesting.
     
  3. Thank you very much. I appreciate the constructive criticism. After all, how else does one learn? I'll make a few edits and take care of some of the problems. I do plan on continuing it in the near future, so chapter two should be better than chapter one. And also, It won't always be in first person. This chapter was Sol recalling the incident, so first person fit the scene.
     
  4. Glad to be of some help to you. I was a little worried that you'd think my points to harsh, I was editing a magazine written my a friend of mine at about four in the morning earlier, so I'm in a 'point out errors' mood. I don't know about you, but I've always found thrid person to be much easier to write and read, particularly if you need to do some foreshadowing.

    Also, and I've just remembered this myself, that a new person's speech always starts on a new line. Super-fabulous El has a sticky somewhere on grammar, which covers speech quite nicely.
     
  5. Again, I'm new to the whole fanfic thing. Constructive Criticism is welcome. Let me know what I can improve on. Help me to help you enjoy my story.

    [size=12pt]Chapter 2: A New Saga Begins[/size]

    Terra and I had been walking for several hours before we decided to stop and rest. We were fortunate to find a little pond with some shade trees and berry bushes. Terra smiled at me and began to pile wood for a fire. He snapped limbs from the surrounding trees as if they were nothing and gnawed the leaves from them. I, on the other hand, went around gathering berries to roast. They would be just as tasty that way and also stayed edible for far longer.

    As I pulled some fruit from a little bush of Leppa Berries, I heard a voice coming from close by… coming ever closer.

    "No, I don't know why he has us looking here. It's not like we're going to find anything. But at least it's easy work, so quit bitching."

    Needless to say, I bolted back in Terra's direction with all the berries I had gathered so far. There was enough in the small sack to last us a night or two.

    "Terra. Someone's coming. I'm not sure what they want yet. But they're looking for something. Don't light that f…"

    They had seen me escaping. And as I spoke, the two men emerged from the trail behind us.

    "Well now. Looks like we DID find something after all. An Espeon and an Aggron. Giovanni will give us one HELL of a bonus for this!"

    "Hell yeah he will! And we'll both get promoted too! Talk about RARE!"

    And sure enough, the men took out a couple Pokeballs and called forth their Pokemon to fight us. I assumed they had no clue what they were in for until…

    "Go get ‘em, Seviper!"

    "Kick some ass, Sableye!"

    These guys had some pretty potent Pokemon. I could take Seviper, no problem. But that Sableye would be hell. I would have to hope Terra had my back.

    "You bastards have no idea what you're doing. We'll give you one chance to back off."

    They stopped for a moment, clearly confused as to where the voice was coming from… but only for a moment.
    Terra smiled and hurled a tree branch at the men and picked me up by the scruff of my neck. Before I could even say anything, he cut me off.

    "I don't feel like fighting today. I just wanted to…"

    Then I cut him off.

    "We are going to fight. We WILL win. And then we'll pummel them for information. You got it? I'll take out that Seviper. You just keep that Sableye off of me. I can't take that out."

    He just nodded and turned around to face them.

    "Yeah… giving up, are you? It's too late for that. Now we show you no mercy! Seviper, Use Sludge Bomb!"

    "You show ‘em too Sableye! Dark Pulse!"

    Terra charged at them and I climbed onto his back. The disgusting blob of toxic sludge hit his chest and just rolled off of his skin. I knew what was coming next. Terra raised his tail and slammed it to the ground, causing a massive tremor to tear through the ground around us. To avoid being injured, I leapt from his back and into the air.

    "Shit! Seviper!!!"

    The massive snake loosed a terrified screech as it fell into a crack in the earth. Despite taking massive damage from the Earthquake, the Sableye was still standing. And Terra's bulky body no longer protected me. The wave of dark energy enveloped my body and I crashed to the ground. Little black lightning bolts cascaded down my body as I struggled to stand.

    The Sun however, was in my favor. Using it's warmth and energy, I felt myself quickly regenerating from my injury. Luckily I knew the technique "Morning Sun" or else I'd have been done for. I was still quite helpless though. None of my attacks could harm the Sableye.

    "Ha! Now you're mine! Sableye, use D…"

    Terra slashed at the little ghost creature with his claws. I was about to ask him how stupid he was. But then I saw that his claws were coated in darkness. That was Shadow Claw, no doubt about it.

    A fluid that passed for blood flew from the Sableye's head and it fell to the ground. Lifeless.

    "You Bastards! How dare you!"

    "What the hell? They're monsters!"

    I found it funny how fast humans turned into total cowards when things turned against them. But they wouldn't get far. As the trainer of the Seviper turned to flee, I grabbed him in a telekinetic hold and held him against a tree. The Sableye trainer was in a fit of hysterics as Terra picked him up by the head and slammed him against another tree.

    "You're going to tell us who you are and what you want with us. GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    The two men refused to talk for quite some time. But a few telekinetic slams to one and a shattered arm for the other loosened their tongues.

    "We're from Team Rocket. We were sent to this area to find rare Pokemon for our boss! Just please don't kill us!"

    "Yeah, we were just following orders! Please let us go!"

    Then it hit me. These guys were the ‘bad guys'. Surely they would know about the other gang… the gang that had killed our trainer.

    "And what do you know about the so called ‘Lords of Light'? It's in your best interest to be truthful."

    The one seemed clueless and the other kept quiet for only a split second.

    "Those bastards are always trying to disrupt our plans! Just recently they sabotaged our Space-Center. It took us YEARS to get that place built! AND THEY JUST BLEW IT UP!"

    I smiled wickedly as I turned to Terra. Sure enough, he had the same sort of smile on his face too. It seemed we were thinking the same thing. We simultaneously dropped our two attackers and stared them in the eyes.

    "We're going to work for you for the time being. And in return for sparing your worthless lives, you're going to get us closer to the Lords of Light. We're not going in any damn Pokeball either. My name is Sol and his is Terra, and you will address us as such. Get it? Got it? Good."

    Seeing as both of their Pokemon were deceased, they couldn't really argue with us even if they wanted to. Which worked out well because I wasn't in the mood to listen to them bitch about it.

    And so… we set off with our new ‘trainers' and headed for Jubilife City. Hopefully we would find out more information there.
     
    #5 superandroidbeta, Mar 22, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014

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