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Starship 141

Discussion in 'General Role Play' started by Tunolipede, Jul 3, 2009.

  1. [This is my first RP-thing. I hope it's not too boring or whatever, but I encourage everyone to join in and introduce their own characters. Thanks!]

    Sakura was alone in the garage, inside the Project 141 building, in the distant future. She had the roof open and the stars in the dark night sky were twinkling brightly, letting light into the large garage door. She had been working for hours, and it was now getting to be around midnight. She was currently working on building a large jet-plane, and was then tweeking some bolts and different things. Her pink-and-white striped suit was gradually feeling tighter, and Sakura was gradually getting more tired. She yawned and groaned, her long white hair flailing by her waist.

    There were several large thumps as the D247-Attaking-weight-G290 (or DAwG, for short) came walking into view. DAwG was a large mechanical weapon, if you'd like, which was shaped like an oversized, heavy-built, muscular ape. He was used to help engineering and carrying heavy objects, but he was also Sakura's bestfriend - she had made him from scratch when she was younger.

    "Oh, Dawg," Sakura half-sighed, half-yawned, stretching her arms. "I'm so tired. Carry me to my bed, if you will."

    DAwG made several unusual robotic noises before putting out his strong arms, letting Sakura fall into them. He slowly carried her through the garage, until he got to a large blue door. He let Sakura jump off before he thumped away. Sakura slowly pushed the door open, and was about to turn on the light.

    "Well, hello, Sakura." A voice said darkly. "Long time no see."

    [Also - Thanks Sem for the advice. I hope it's better now.]
     
  2. Sem

    Sem The Last of the Snowmen
    Former Administrator

    Well I meant to reply to this all day, but the forums were down. Don't get excited though, I don't mean I'm joining XD Just giving some advice.

    You have some nice writing skill, meaning you're spelling things right (except 'growned at the end of your first paragraph should be 'groaned') and you have some good structure. That already puts you ahead of most newbies we get, so good work. xP

    Some stuff you could add in though.

    Easy way to put this is:

    Who?

    Where?

    When?

    The three W's of journ- I mean, RPing! XD Anyway, it's something to keep in mind and can help you stay organized.

    Who? You already got your who, so that's good. You have your Sakura and... DAwG.

    Where? We know that your character's in a garage, but where is the garage? Is this earth? If so, what continent? Country? State/Province? City/Town? What's the area around the garage like? How's the weather? Stuff like that is essential for a good intro, as it helps those who are interested get into the mood of your world, instead of them standing around and guessing. It also helps them find an opening to come into the RP.

    When? By your description of the environment as well as the DAwG thing, we can assume this is in a future. Course we could be totally wrong and it was a long time ago in a galaxy far far away... When also means what time it is. You said there's stars out so we can assume it's nighttime, but nighttime can be separated into evening, midnight, early morning, ect.

    Sometimes you can get away with skipping a few of those finer details for the sake of mystery or suspense; for the sake of your plot really. So in the end do what you feels best. And make sure you're in line with the RP rules.

    These things would make you a stronger RPer and more attractive to some of the older RPers here. It'd be a good idea to edit your post with some of that in. Don't worry about length, most of us are rather into novel-sized posts. ^^ Don't freak out though if it's not super long though
     

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