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A Realistic Tsundere Love Confession

by Shiny Blue Gardevoir

Shiny Blue Gardevoir Hitting someone, calling them names, and generally being a piece of shit to them isn't the way to make any sane human being love you.
It was a conveniently quiet and peaceful day at Sakura Yume High School, a day where no clubs were going on, no after-school detentions were being held, and no teachers or students were milling around outside the main building, or, even more conveniently, near the giant cherry blossom tree out front. The sun was setting, there was a gentle breeze in the air, just gentle enough to make the female students' hair and ridiculously short skirts sway, and cherry blossom petals were falling from the tree like snowflakes, and blanketing the ground. And just to top it off, all of the annoying side characters were off sick today...Or something. It didn't matter. Today was a perfect recipe for a love confession.

Kyo Haruhatsu had been invited to the cherry blossom tree, via an anonymous note stuck in his locker, but, because he was the main character in a bad anime, didn't think to himself how the fuck someone someone had managed to break into his locker and put it there, and tell the teachers. No, instead, he decided to go to the cherry blossom tree, to see who wanted to see him there.

He sure hoped it wasn't Mizutani Shizuku, from his class. That girl was a total bitch to him, and nobody gave a shit, because everyone knew that when a guy hit a girl, called her names, and treated her like shit, he was an abuser and a dickhead, but when a girl did it, it was funny and cute, because...Reasons. No, instead, he hoped it was his sweet childhood friend, Nanako Morikawa. She was kind, and she was always there for him, but, as he was stuck inside a bad anime, she'd been shoved off to the side for Shizuku. And regardless of how many encounters the writer had set up for him and her, he just couldn't bring himself to love a crazy abuser.

Kyo huffed and shook his head when he saw Shizuku there. She was blushing, and pouting, and re-arranging her impossible pink pigtails and ribbons.

"What do you want, Shizuku?" he sighed, "And how the fuck did you break into my locker?"

She greeted him by slapping him backhand across the face. "You kept me waiting, you big dummy!" she screamed, somehow blushing even more, "You're the worst!"

"Hey! What the hell?!" Kyo cried, backing away, "I was just asking!"

Shizuku pouted again, and folded her arms. "Well, I brought you here, because..." she trailed off, eyes welling up, "There's...There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Kyo-kun..."

Kyo knew exactly what was coming next. Because this was a bad anime, Shizuku was going to try and justify her abuse by telling him she loved him. And he was going to completely forgive her, and admit he loved her too, and then they'd get together. Or so the writer wanted, because the writer's a two-bit hack and abuser sympathiser. "What?"

Suddenly, the area around them went all pink and sparkly, and the lens flare tool was horribly abused. "I...I love you, Kyo-kun! I love you more than anything else in the world!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, you don't act like it," he answered, "You don't hit the person you love, and call them names!"

Shizuku's stomach dropped. This wasn't what he was supposed to say. This wasn't what was in the script. This was the part where he was supposed to say he loved her too. Why...Why wasn't he saying it?

"W-well, I only did all of that stuff because I was shy!" she answered, "I didn't wanna accept that I liked you, until now, but now that I have, we can be together!"

"No we can't," Kyo scoffed, "I'll say it again. You hit me. You call me names. You pushed me down the stairs once just because I said 'hi' to you. That's not you being shy, that's you being a psycho bitch."

Shizuku's eyes started to well up. Nothing got the two-bit hack writer's viewers sympathising with her more than when she cried. Because crying when she got rightly called out for her horrible and abusive actions made Kyo-kun a jerk, and her an innocent baby.

"But Kyo-kun, I love you!" she cried. Soon, he'd say sorry, and kiss her, and tell her he loved her, and then she'd get her happily ever after, "Please be with me! Please accept my feelings! You're my true love, Kyo-kun!"

Kyo shook his head. "Look, Shizuku, I don't love you, and I don't even think you really love me, because we're what, fourteen? We're too young to know what true love is," he replied, "And everything I said before. If you think it's ok to hit people and call them names because you 'love' them or whatever, then you've got some serious issues, and you need to see a therapist, and work through those before you try getting into a relationship."


"No one wants to date an abuser," he answered, "No one wants to date girls like you, including me."

Shizuku was really crying now, and her eyes were big and wobbly, and the lens tool was being abused even more now. "Kyo-kun! Don't leave me! I'll die without you!"

"Not my problem," Kyo replied, and right on time, Kyo's sweet friend, Nanako arrived.

"What's going on, Kyo?" Nanako asked, "What happened to your cheek?"

"That crazy bitch from my class hit me," he told her, "Nothing to worry about, Nanako. Wanna go to my place and have anpan?"

"Sure, Nanako replied, "And we'll get you some ice for your cheek, too, poor thing!"

"Sounds great," Kyo replied, snaking his arm around her.

Shizuku stood there, still in tears, as she watched the scene. The nice childhood friend winning the main man, and not the abuser?! What an outrage!

Nanako lead Kyo away, kissing him on the cheek. "By the way, Kyo-kun," she said wryly, "I love you."

"I love you too, Nanako," Kyo answered.

Shizuku stood there and wept as the happy new couple went away. She never learned why she was wrong, and ended up being sentenced to death for killing her husband as an adult. Kyo and Nanako meanwhile, lived happily ever after, and had adorable babies. The end.
  1. Blotch'd
    *Blink Blink*

    Oh god, one of the characters is trying to shame the author.
    Why'd she kill her husband? 'Cause she was 'Shy'?
    Because she STILL wanted the guy who told her no?
    She thought being a b**** would get her some love, and in the simulator the cherry tree always worked.
    But why lie to the girl about not knowing what the heck love was?
    Oh god, I've gotten worked up with my statement's and questions.
    Nov 3, 2018
  2. Cloudswift
    This is too accurate, I love it.
    Oct 7, 2018
  3. Psycho Monkey
    Psycho Monkey
    Too true. Tsunderes act like man-hating bitches all the time and wonder why the protagonist is slow to return their "affection". At least yandere's are honest about their feelings and intentions even if they are batshit insane homicidal maniacs.
    Oct 7, 2018
  4. BurbleBurble
    ...Unfortunately, those adorable babies made sure Kyo was working 7-9 five days a week for dreadful pay, and left Nanako as a stay at home mom. This divide in their relationship eventually pulled them apart, and now Kyo is paying child support as Nanako starts to sell Young Living oils on the side in a dreadful attempt to make cash to support her three kids as Kyo drinks himself to sleep every other day to wash away the pain. Maybe having that 14 year old couple carry such things into adulthood was a bad idea. Sometimes childhood friends should stay childhood friends.
    Oct 3, 2018
  5. Fraseandchico
    Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. This is good, funny, and truthful!
    Oct 2, 2018
  6. Retro Master
    Retro Master
    This is too funny lel
    Oct 2, 2018
  7. Salted_Apples
    Oct 2, 2018