It was when I started high school, or more specifically, the day I met a girl, a girl I felt like I had a crush on. A while ago, I thought that it was just puppy love. Now, everything that happened between us changed the way I thought I felt.
I remember a time when I had a group project together with her. It was a group of five, but no one was working but her and me. It seemed like we were alone. I wanted to be alone with her and tell her how I felt, but that day never happened so far. After a few days of working, we were finally done with the project. After that, my class moved onto another type of material, and she and I went our separate ways. I felt like our time together made me realize something, especially if I was alone. I missed her voice, and how she talked to me. I thought that we were friends, but we never talked since.
A couple weeks passed. It was December, and my school had an event called a Holiday Social. It was where my entire school went to eat, and socialize, only with one exception. We had to sit at assigned seats with random people. When I entered the building, I felt full, so I didn’t think I was going to eat much. At the front of some arches, I realized that we had to get our name tags to get our table number. I waited for the line to pass. It was at that one special moment in time, where, someone tapped me. It was not a regular kind of tap, but one that actually poked me. It was her. The girl I fell in “love” with, the girl who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She tilted her head a little and smiled at me, indicating a “greeting” message. I wished I could say something to her, but the line moved faster than I wanted. Just seeing her smile made my evening, if not my life a little better, but it got worse.
After the Holiday Social, my relationship with her was still at a stalemate. There was not much contact, not much conversation, and most important of all, not much comfortability with her. Nothing has changed. Yet, I remember this one day when I was waiting for my teacher to open the door to the classroom. The girl I had a crush on came near me, and sang me this really weird and ridiculous song. All I could do was smirk and say, “What? That’s funny!” I thought that I looked like an idiot. Despite that, I would cherish any interaction I had with her.
After my 4th Period class, I walked outside to eat lunch with my friends. I don't go outside the cafeteria to eat. At the very end, however, I saw my crush walk beside some guy, the same guy that she waits for in the hallway when it's time to go to lunch. This happened at least every day for the past year. After that, she talks to some guys in my class making me more jealous. That was just the start.
In the next few days, we had partner work. I wanted to work with one of my friends, but I felt depressed at that moment in time, so I just sat there. Having been chosen a random partner, I worked with him until we were done. After I turned in our work, I wondered who my crush was working with. I looked over, and I saw her working with some other guy. A fellow classmate of mine. It hurt me to see her with another guy. After a few days had passed, she kept on walking through the door with the same guy she sat with, worked with, and talked with. Although, I should note that this was not the same guy that she walks out of the cafeteria with.
Another class project appeared. Writing a sonnet. The topic was about love, and I had a very sad idea. I wrote the sonnet about my crush. While we had class time to work on it, I kept on thinking sad thoughts about my crush. I shed a few tears in that moment. A few of my classmates noticed this, and that worried me about how my sonnet was going to be. I was also worried about how my sonnet would turn out. In what had seemed like a couple seconds, the day to present was here. My teacher recommended me to be one of the first to present because of how I was good at concepts of love. When I got up front to present, I knew my crush was watching me. I was scared to present because I knew this sonnet was about her. I trembled badly, but I still seemed to present this heartfelt sonnet with all of my emotions. This is what got me sonnet king, after all. But the thing is, I never cared about that award for being king. I only wanted my crush to hear me out, to listen to how I feel. That obviously didn’t happen. After a few days, it seemed like my sonnet to her was just something I made to get a grade. Just a grade. Even though I put all of my effort, emotions, thoughts, feelings, and time into that one short sonnet, she didn’t feel anything from me. Of course she didn’t because I never meant anything to her. She never really cared about me. Days passed, and our relationship never moved on.
I kept on feeling so bad that I couldn’t talk to her. I kept on seeing her converse with other guys that made her laugh or smile. She could just talk to them about how she felt, what’s going on in her life, and everything that I wanted to hear from her personally, but that never happened. All that happens now is the mean, or awkward eye contact that we make as we pass the hallways. We never talk like we used to, even if we barely talked before. I felt like I needed to do something to at least help me know that we are still friends.
One night, just thinking about all of this made me cry. I cried for at least ten minutes, if not more because of how much I loved her, but it seemed like she turned me away. My tears resembled all of what I held in for the past four months; the anger, the jealousy, the wishes, the love, the hope, and the memories. It was all too much to think about, so I just sat there and cried. She would not love me, but she would love another.
I had to do something. I knew the day would come that I would build all of my confidence to wave to her, so that she would at least wave back. I could probably gain more self-confidence this way. There I was, doing flag duty with my fellow JROTC cadets. She was standing outside the front doors with her friends. I put my hand up in a slow-paced motion until I got her attention. Her friends looked at me, then she looked. I was certain she looked at me, but she did not wave back. Instead, it looked like she turned her head back around in disgust. My heart crushed into a million pieces. It was just too much for me. It took all the self –confidence I had, and I tried to make this one simple move, but it didn’t work. I left the day very sad and depressed after that.
Here I am now. I am writing this essay about how I feel. How I truly feel about how I loved her, but we never really talked. I tried talking to my parents and friends about this situation, but the response was always the same. “Just tell her you like her, and if she says no, then it was never meant to be.” The thing is I can’t. I’m afraid that if I ask her out, it will seem like I want to force her into being in a relationship with me. I’m afraid that she will feel depressed that she said no, and feel sorry for me. I’m afraid that she thinks the only answer is yes, but she doesn’t want to go out with me. She may only say yes to not hurt my feelings. I just don’t want her to get emotionally unstable, so that’s why I don’t want to ask her out. I never want to ask her out. I never want her to know. That’s why I’m sorry that I can’t tell her how I feel. That’s why I’m sorry for everything I did to make her not wave back at me. All the memories about how her and me were the only ones working in the group, how she burped in my face during that field trip, how she talked to me for a minute, how she says how cute something is, how she tapped my shoulder during Holiday Social, and how she made me feel alive again, are still present no matter how much I try to forget. And that’s why I still try my best not to break down and cry every day. This was because of how much I loved her, but she will never know because I will never tell her.
I remember a time when I had a group project together with her. It was a group of five, but no one was working but her and me. It seemed like we were alone. I wanted to be alone with her and tell her how I felt, but that day never happened so far. After a few days of working, we were finally done with the project. After that, my class moved onto another type of material, and she and I went our separate ways. I felt like our time together made me realize something, especially if I was alone. I missed her voice, and how she talked to me. I thought that we were friends, but we never talked since.
A couple weeks passed. It was December, and my school had an event called a Holiday Social. It was where my entire school went to eat, and socialize, only with one exception. We had to sit at assigned seats with random people. When I entered the building, I felt full, so I didn’t think I was going to eat much. At the front of some arches, I realized that we had to get our name tags to get our table number. I waited for the line to pass. It was at that one special moment in time, where, someone tapped me. It was not a regular kind of tap, but one that actually poked me. It was her. The girl I fell in “love” with, the girl who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She tilted her head a little and smiled at me, indicating a “greeting” message. I wished I could say something to her, but the line moved faster than I wanted. Just seeing her smile made my evening, if not my life a little better, but it got worse.
After the Holiday Social, my relationship with her was still at a stalemate. There was not much contact, not much conversation, and most important of all, not much comfortability with her. Nothing has changed. Yet, I remember this one day when I was waiting for my teacher to open the door to the classroom. The girl I had a crush on came near me, and sang me this really weird and ridiculous song. All I could do was smirk and say, “What? That’s funny!” I thought that I looked like an idiot. Despite that, I would cherish any interaction I had with her.
After my 4th Period class, I walked outside to eat lunch with my friends. I don't go outside the cafeteria to eat. At the very end, however, I saw my crush walk beside some guy, the same guy that she waits for in the hallway when it's time to go to lunch. This happened at least every day for the past year. After that, she talks to some guys in my class making me more jealous. That was just the start.
In the next few days, we had partner work. I wanted to work with one of my friends, but I felt depressed at that moment in time, so I just sat there. Having been chosen a random partner, I worked with him until we were done. After I turned in our work, I wondered who my crush was working with. I looked over, and I saw her working with some other guy. A fellow classmate of mine. It hurt me to see her with another guy. After a few days had passed, she kept on walking through the door with the same guy she sat with, worked with, and talked with. Although, I should note that this was not the same guy that she walks out of the cafeteria with.
Another class project appeared. Writing a sonnet. The topic was about love, and I had a very sad idea. I wrote the sonnet about my crush. While we had class time to work on it, I kept on thinking sad thoughts about my crush. I shed a few tears in that moment. A few of my classmates noticed this, and that worried me about how my sonnet was going to be. I was also worried about how my sonnet would turn out. In what had seemed like a couple seconds, the day to present was here. My teacher recommended me to be one of the first to present because of how I was good at concepts of love. When I got up front to present, I knew my crush was watching me. I was scared to present because I knew this sonnet was about her. I trembled badly, but I still seemed to present this heartfelt sonnet with all of my emotions. This is what got me sonnet king, after all. But the thing is, I never cared about that award for being king. I only wanted my crush to hear me out, to listen to how I feel. That obviously didn’t happen. After a few days, it seemed like my sonnet to her was just something I made to get a grade. Just a grade. Even though I put all of my effort, emotions, thoughts, feelings, and time into that one short sonnet, she didn’t feel anything from me. Of course she didn’t because I never meant anything to her. She never really cared about me. Days passed, and our relationship never moved on.
I kept on feeling so bad that I couldn’t talk to her. I kept on seeing her converse with other guys that made her laugh or smile. She could just talk to them about how she felt, what’s going on in her life, and everything that I wanted to hear from her personally, but that never happened. All that happens now is the mean, or awkward eye contact that we make as we pass the hallways. We never talk like we used to, even if we barely talked before. I felt like I needed to do something to at least help me know that we are still friends.
One night, just thinking about all of this made me cry. I cried for at least ten minutes, if not more because of how much I loved her, but it seemed like she turned me away. My tears resembled all of what I held in for the past four months; the anger, the jealousy, the wishes, the love, the hope, and the memories. It was all too much to think about, so I just sat there and cried. She would not love me, but she would love another.
I had to do something. I knew the day would come that I would build all of my confidence to wave to her, so that she would at least wave back. I could probably gain more self-confidence this way. There I was, doing flag duty with my fellow JROTC cadets. She was standing outside the front doors with her friends. I put my hand up in a slow-paced motion until I got her attention. Her friends looked at me, then she looked. I was certain she looked at me, but she did not wave back. Instead, it looked like she turned her head back around in disgust. My heart crushed into a million pieces. It was just too much for me. It took all the self –confidence I had, and I tried to make this one simple move, but it didn’t work. I left the day very sad and depressed after that.
Here I am now. I am writing this essay about how I feel. How I truly feel about how I loved her, but we never really talked. I tried talking to my parents and friends about this situation, but the response was always the same. “Just tell her you like her, and if she says no, then it was never meant to be.” The thing is I can’t. I’m afraid that if I ask her out, it will seem like I want to force her into being in a relationship with me. I’m afraid that she will feel depressed that she said no, and feel sorry for me. I’m afraid that she thinks the only answer is yes, but she doesn’t want to go out with me. She may only say yes to not hurt my feelings. I just don’t want her to get emotionally unstable, so that’s why I don’t want to ask her out. I never want to ask her out. I never want her to know. That’s why I’m sorry that I can’t tell her how I feel. That’s why I’m sorry for everything I did to make her not wave back at me. All the memories about how her and me were the only ones working in the group, how she burped in my face during that field trip, how she talked to me for a minute, how she says how cute something is, how she tapped my shoulder during Holiday Social, and how she made me feel alive again, are still present no matter how much I try to forget. And that’s why I still try my best not to break down and cry every day. This was because of how much I loved her, but she will never know because I will never tell her.