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Why I Went On Hiatus (Multiple Times)

by Imperfect World

Imperfect World Just explaining some stuff that happened, and why I haven’t been active.
Hey. I’m back. Again. For the second time.

I while ago, I left for a long time, because I felt lost and bored and unmotivated to do anything, much less go onto a social networking site. When I can back, I said I’d be more active. Then left for over a month and a half. Why? Here’s where it all started...

As some of my close friends on this site know, I have anxiety and depression, both very severe and quite common. So during the summer, I kind of shut down.

My parents are divorced and live in different states, so every other weekend I drive from Mitchell, SD, to Sartell, MN. It’s about a five hour drive, but I’ve gotten so used to it, it feels more like thirty minutes.

So my brother, who had just graduated, was driving me and my sister from my dad’s house to my mum’s. On the way, we were simply talking, when the subject of God came up. Now my brother was extremely religious, and he made it very clear. A lot.

As some people know, I am not straight. I’m Pansexual (or Bisexual, I can’t define my attractions very well). So when the topic of LGBTQ+ comes up, I get a little panicky. Nevertheless, when my brother starts to bad mouth them, I stand up for the community, saying that people can’t control who they love. My brother, however, simply tells me that this fact isn’t true. I then proceed to remind him that I had previously told him of my sexual orientation. He said something similar to the lines of, “It doesn’t matter, God sees every sin as the same, wether it is a little white lie or murder. LGBTQ+ community will all go to hell.” So generally, I got worked up about it. And to make matters worse, my sister, who usually supported me in these sort of situations, agreed with my brother.

This is why I no longer wish to associate with god, or religion. It can do nasty things to good people.

Now, while still in the car, my brother started to trash talk my parents. He does this frequently, and uses me and my sister as a listening ear, which I feel is very inappropriate for an older brother to be doing. Then he started talking about cutting ties with out family. I gave in then and there.

I just started crying. I wasn’t loud, I was very quiet, but it was the hot, heavy, thick kinds of tears.

Now I’ve been suicidal for a while, two years in fact. While I had tried to kill myself before (never managing to, obviously), I had never wanted to do it more than I currently do. I never told anyone though, and I’d always cover up self harm marks because I never wanted to put my burdens on people. I hate doing it, and I hate talking about my feelings, because then it gets all sappy, and I hate sappy things because it makes everything ten times worse. I just feel like telling my loved ones about my feelings complicates things, and I don’t want to make them worry.

To let out my feelings, I write them down, and since I was in an English class at the time, I grabbed my notebook, and scribbled two entries onto the pages as to what I was feeling, and what was happening. Unfortunately, my English teacher found it, and near the end of the day, I was called to the nurse’s office. Here’s where things get hectic...

I met up with the school counselor, and we talked about some things. Then, because of the multiple suicide attempts and self harm attempts, they called over a police officer. Without telling my parents, I was escorted out of the building by a police vehicle, and taken to a strange counselors building I had never seen before. Long story short, I told the counselor I didn’t feel safe around myself, and my mom decided it was best to send me to a Behavioral Hospital in Sioux Falls. After begging, I went home, said goodbye, and left with nothing but the clothes on my back, and my mom.

A tornado had actually hit the Sioux Falls Behavioral Health Hospital around a week prior, so the kids and supervisors were renting out a building in Yankton. And to make matters worse, all across South Dakota was flooding. Lots and lots of flooding. Almost all but one road to Yankton was blocked off, and it took us two hours of circling streets to find it. We got there at one in the morning, and I spent the next week there.

In the end, it didn’t help much.

So after a few weeks of rehabilitation into real life again, I came here again.

Life sucks. I hate myself. Nothing much has changed.

And my parents know one of it. Thank god for that, too.
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