Wake up feeling anxious and exhausted, even though I had a full night's rest. The summer heat triggers memories I'm never prepared to re-live. The smell of that hotel room still lingers in my nostrils years later; hookah smoke, kitten litter, cheap cologne, plastic-like butter and white toast. I can feel the polyester bed cover, the way it would snag on my hands, dry and callused from washing too many dishes with harsh detergent. Fear of picturing the scene in my mind has me flinching violently at the present time. I tell my co-workers it was just a chill.
So much shame and hate, all for myself. The faces and bodies of men I saw only once are burned into my retinas. The simple phrases they spoke that ring in my ears, "they're actually starlings, not sparrows,"..."got to pick up my kids and get home to my wife" Terrified every time I see a lime green Dodge Charger all because of the single time I was inside one.
Staring into space, trying to maintain a normal face but once again my heart is on my sleeve and everyone can tell I lie when I say Im fine. They get angry with me for not being honest, but how can I be? Depression hurts and all of my strength goes to preventing myself from making the same old mistakes, taking the same old drugs or trying new ones, avoiding the life of constant intoxication.
So much shame and hate, all for myself. The faces and bodies of men I saw only once are burned into my retinas. The simple phrases they spoke that ring in my ears, "they're actually starlings, not sparrows,"..."got to pick up my kids and get home to my wife" Terrified every time I see a lime green Dodge Charger all because of the single time I was inside one.
Staring into space, trying to maintain a normal face but once again my heart is on my sleeve and everyone can tell I lie when I say Im fine. They get angry with me for not being honest, but how can I be? Depression hurts and all of my strength goes to preventing myself from making the same old mistakes, taking the same old drugs or trying new ones, avoiding the life of constant intoxication.