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Pokemon: MindCrystal: Pokemon: MindCrystal, Chapter 1: A Rough Beginning

by XanthousXatu

XanthousXatu Follow Loki Primus on his adventure throughout Johto! I have never sounded so fake before. Anywho, this is the second installment in the series, I hope you enjoy.
Loki Primus was awoken by the call of a Murkrow outside his window. He yawned, then realized today was the day! He was going on a journey throughout Johto or possibly Kanto! Loki quickly did his morning routine, and then looked at himself in a mirror. He had black hair and green eyes, along with a black-and-white snowflake embroidered chullo. Going down, he sported a scarf, which went from white to grey to black the closer it went to it's tip. For a shirt, he wore a simple dark green tee shirt, overlapped by a black, grey, and white winter jacket. To keep him warm, he always wore insulated dark grey sweatpants, topping it off with black boots which had a mountain pattern on them. Not the best outfit, but he also carried a dark green backpacking backpack which had all of his things inside. Frantically, he ran down the hallway, and opened the screen door. They lived on a nursery-ranch mixture in Mahogany Town, the Homeland of Ninjas. He heard a noise of a small rodent running through the grass. He knew who it was. An Alolan Sandshrew hopped onto his right shoulder, making itself at home and nuzzling it's trainer. "Permafrost", Loki began," We're finally going on the adventure of a lifetime!" Walking behind him were his younger siblings, who were twins. "Going somewhere?", Fremont asked. A Growlithe came from behind them and barked cheerfully. "Yes!", Loki announced," To get my trainer's licence!" Hailey and Fremont didn't pay any attention, and were seen petting the Fire-type dog. Joyous, he made his way from the horse stables and out of the field. "Wait!", Loki's father came rushing over, with his Crobat following shortly," You forgot your PokeDex, this costs a fortune, y'know!" Loki grabbed it and stuffed it inside of his backpack. He took off to the main part of Mahogany Town. For some reason, Professor Elm was coming there. Most likely because of those howls that were going on last night, which didn't stop Loki from going to sleep at 7PM. The air was rather humid, rare for this part of Johto. Nevertheless, he arrived at his destination. The PokeCenter. A line of kids his age were in front of him, and due to his short stature, he couldn't see above them. Once most of the queue was gone, he could finally see the entrance. Permafrost's eyes gleamed with excitement, gazing at the hospital, anxious for them to go inside. Loki accidentally bumped into the person behind him, and turned around. "Um... sorry...", he was awkward with this conversation, including the fact he didn't need to apologize. "Sorry?", the tall kid behind him spoke with a heavy Russian accent. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes, along with a ushanka hat. Other than that, it appeared he carried a vertical duffel bag and wore a leather sweatshirt and grey trousers. "What do you mean by 'Sorry?"", he repeated. Loki simply sighed and turned around, focused on the doors.

Later, the queue receded to an extent where Loki was the next one up! He felt excited beyond normal, and started to even jump. He stepped through the door with his partner Pokemon expecting a wondrous building with flowers and people all over-- No. It was pretty tacky by his standards. Professor Elm was in one corner, meanwhile the rest of it was basically a run-down gas station with a girl who has a Chansey. He approached Elm's booth unsatisfied, and had a gloomy expression on his face. "Okay... what's your name?", he looked up at Loki. "Oh... uh... well... Loki Primus... sir", he stuttered. Elm gave him a weird look and gave him his trainer card. "Here's PokeGear to go with it...", the Professor said, giving him some sort of phone. He sat behind, waiting for the line to be done. "Dmitri Hatkovsky? Complicated, but okay...", he eavesdropped from the background. Next in line was a girl. She had red hair with freckles, and green eyes of course. Her hairdo covered most of her forehead, and she wore a dark brown cardigan with a black tee shirt. She wore a black skirt as well, but had velvet sweatpants instead of black. "Caroline MacTorcall... okay...", he heard. The three trainers all seemed to have waited behind, and gave each other awkward glances. "So...", Dmitri guessed," Are we gonna go on a journey together? All three of us?" Caroline looked worried," Do we all have Pokemon?" Dmitri pulled out a Dive Ball which had a Krabby inside, and Caroline released her Hoothoot. I always thought my journey would have a little pizazz..., Loki thought. Unsure, the three trainers made their way out the PokeCenter in a somewhat group, before long, things became quiet. "Should we get to know each other, maybe?", Loki brought up, obviously wanting to get to the Gym. Dmitri stopped, leaving the rest to do the same," Like a battle?" Caroline's Hoothoot liked the idea, and started to make a 'coo' sound. Also wanting to, Loki's Alolan Sandslash started to look happier. "Okay, then...", Dmitri concluded," I'll be the ref..." He sounded like he wanted to battle as well, but didn't fully get it through. The two Pokemon made their way to the nearest battlefield, leaving everyone to jog or run to it. "Okay!", Dmitri began," This girl's Hoothoot, versus this guy's Alolan Sandslash--- who are you guys?" Caroline spoke up first," I'm Caroline, Caroline MacTorcall..." Dmitri smiled," I'm Dmitri Hatkovsky!" Caroline silently laughed at the name. "Oh...", Loki snapped out of fairy-tale-land," I'm Loki... uh... Loki Primus!" Dmitri acknowledged them by nodding," The battle between Caroline's Hoothoot, versus Loki's Alolan Sandshrew may begin!" The two Pokemon clashed, leaving you to decide who wins.
Mockingchu, PokeStorm and EeviumZ like this.
  1. XanthousXatu
    XanthousXatu
    @glennis75 I fixed that, I usually just write my work on 'Charms and call it a day. I'm also located in an area without a strong internet connection, so I'll just use Notepad for the time being. Also, congratulations on having 25 chapters!
    Jul 17, 2019
    glennis75 likes this.
  2. PokeStorm
    PokeStorm
    I notice a little inconsistency in Loki's starter. It was originally a Sandshrew but was a Sandslash later on. Was there an evolution unmentioned or just jumping the gun? Just thinking that you should lrobably proofread your work before posting.

    I just recently started doing that with my Johto story, and it has greatly decreased the amount of small mistakes.

    I would also suggest prewriting these chapters on paper, and then when you type it on Google Docs or Microsoft Word (I use Wordpad cuz I'm cheap and dont always have Wi-Fi where I'm staying for most of the summer), then add a few things here and there to close any unexpected plot holes. I have 25 chapters written on Dimrill's Pokemon Adventure, and I've posted up to chapter 8 I think. I've been busy for a while and want to get back into drawing. But I do my best.

    Anyways, back to you, nice job. I'm assuming by the character's personalities as they are presented in this chapter are around 12 or 13. Also, I would reconsider how you had the protagonists meet, it just seems a little unrealistic. I apologize if my advice comes across mean or not motivating, but I like to give honest feedback instead of just liking it and the creator never improving. Hope this helps!
    Jul 17, 2019
    SwiftSwoobat likes this.
  3. EeviumZ
    EeviumZ
    *GREAT STORY DETECTED. INITIATE "LIKE" PROTOCOL.*

    Jul 16, 2019
    SwiftSwoobat likes this.
  4. Nombre De Usuario
    Nombre De Usuario
    hmmm, i guess caroline should win, bc it would be like, "OH NO!, a girl beat him", then loki would train ,only to defeat Caroline, (that's not the best answer but but that's how i think it's supposed to be:'|)
    Jul 15, 2019
    SwiftSwoobat likes this.
  5. Quiver
    Quiver
    Am I the only one to comment? OK... I guess I'll vote Caroline bc I like teaching main characters a lesson.
    Jul 9, 2019
    JesusoChristo and SwiftSwoobat like this.
  6. XanthousXatu
    XanthousXatu
    As always, ask questions down here. Now, pick between Caroline or Loki to decide who to win. Come along then... do it... just comment...
    Jul 8, 2019