After a long hiatus, I've logged in to Charms again. The anniversary of trauma can put a person's brain in a bad place. A place where friends and loved ones are forgotten, exhaustion is magnified, hope is absent, motivation is a myth. That place is like looking through a kaleidoscope; blind to the whole picture and assaulted by repetitive, distorted views of every single little thing in focus.
"Create your safe-space," they said, "It can be anywhere, real or imaginary."
I pictured myself floating in water, holding my breath face down, staring at fish flocking and swishing to and fro. The salty seawater stings my nose, but it does not bother me, I hate scuba masks and prefer simple goggles. When I am in the water, I am in control. I lift my head above the surface, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale deep and dive. My body undulates in the well-practiced motion of a dolphin kick as I glide through a school of yellow tangs in pursuit of my favorite, the trigger fish or "humuhumunukunukuapua'a." With a small hiss of air exhaled through my nose, the pressure in my ears eases. I stay underwater as long as possible, looking for species I haven't yet seen, then race my bubbles to the surface for a quick breath. Over and over I dive, content to focus on nothing but breathing and witnessing the beauty of the reef.
I have bad days and I have better days, but it's hard for those around me to percieve any progress. Every day I fight battles in my head, combating emotions, memories, reality and fantasy. Tangible progress is rarely seen, but a friend told me, "Think of yourself as a tree going through the winter. You may not have pretty leaves, but underground your roots are still growing far and wide where nobody can see, searching out the nutrients you need to survive until spring. Who knows when it will be your spring, but for now just focus on growing those roots."
It's not wise to bury your garbage and try to build on top of it. The city of San Francisco expanded into the bay, using garbage and dirt, and built on top of this "reclaimed earth." Sure, it suited their immediate needs for cheap housing but when an earthquake came, the soft dirt and trash liquified, destroying everything they worked so hard to build. Emotional baggage should also not be buried as it is not a soild foundation to build upon. When, not if, but when your earthquake comes, be it a loss or stalemate or unexpected change, it will liquify whatever you have tried to put between yourself and that buried baggage. Open the bag and take the time to process that which makes it unsolid. There are people out there that can give you the tools you need to break down those things you haven't figured out yet, so you can build your life on more solid ground.
"Create your safe-space," they said, "It can be anywhere, real or imaginary."
I pictured myself floating in water, holding my breath face down, staring at fish flocking and swishing to and fro. The salty seawater stings my nose, but it does not bother me, I hate scuba masks and prefer simple goggles. When I am in the water, I am in control. I lift my head above the surface, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale deep and dive. My body undulates in the well-practiced motion of a dolphin kick as I glide through a school of yellow tangs in pursuit of my favorite, the trigger fish or "humuhumunukunukuapua'a." With a small hiss of air exhaled through my nose, the pressure in my ears eases. I stay underwater as long as possible, looking for species I haven't yet seen, then race my bubbles to the surface for a quick breath. Over and over I dive, content to focus on nothing but breathing and witnessing the beauty of the reef.
I have bad days and I have better days, but it's hard for those around me to percieve any progress. Every day I fight battles in my head, combating emotions, memories, reality and fantasy. Tangible progress is rarely seen, but a friend told me, "Think of yourself as a tree going through the winter. You may not have pretty leaves, but underground your roots are still growing far and wide where nobody can see, searching out the nutrients you need to survive until spring. Who knows when it will be your spring, but for now just focus on growing those roots."
It's not wise to bury your garbage and try to build on top of it. The city of San Francisco expanded into the bay, using garbage and dirt, and built on top of this "reclaimed earth." Sure, it suited their immediate needs for cheap housing but when an earthquake came, the soft dirt and trash liquified, destroying everything they worked so hard to build. Emotional baggage should also not be buried as it is not a soild foundation to build upon. When, not if, but when your earthquake comes, be it a loss or stalemate or unexpected change, it will liquify whatever you have tried to put between yourself and that buried baggage. Open the bag and take the time to process that which makes it unsolid. There are people out there that can give you the tools you need to break down those things you haven't figured out yet, so you can build your life on more solid ground.