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Rumi's Adventure: Eiden Saga chapter 1 - Sunday Morning at GrandMeadow

by Spoiled Bread

Spoiled Bread Soo.. I decided to write my own pokeadventure. I try to make the world more realistic but not too alien. I open to feedback :D
GrandMeadow was a small village located in the southern part of Eiden region. Most of the people make a living there by agricultural means. There was no pokecenter and no pokemart, but in the corner of this village, a circle medium sized battle area was built. In the Sunday morning, the people in the village would gather around it and watch the weekly spar between the twin of the Reynhold family, the wealthiest family in the village. Actually, the twin is the only pokemon trainer in GrandMeadow at the moment, because most people couldn’t afford to bought a pokeball, yet alone a pokemon.

This Sunday was no different. A lot of people had gathered around the arena. Some elderly could be seen chatting, they came here mostly for socializing. There was also some adults that came for the good entertainment that is the beautiful twin pokemon battle. But the bulk of the audience of course consist of the youth, childrens and teenagers that thought pokemon trainer was the coolest thing ever. Indeed, pokemon battling had been the most prestigious sport at Eiden for years, many of the youth aspired to became one, until they realized that the path to became the champion was not an easy one.

Anyway, the Reynhold twins, Kariya and Kayla, stood on different side of the arena. Pokeball clenched on each of their hand.

“Everyone. Please take caution and don’t go near the arena!” The female twin, Kayla, Address the audience. It is her habit before a battle to warns the audience. Such caring attitude even earned her the title ‘Goddes’ around her fans, her sparkling blonde hair boosted this title, though Kayla herself was unaware of this.

“Now, Kayla. Don’t let our audience down. Let’s show ‘em an excellent battle!!” Kayla’s twin brother, Kariya, is a lean and tall man with glossy brown hair, neatly combed at the middle. He was famous for his bravery. Even with all the cheers, you could heard his fangirls loud whisper from the other side of the arena.

A man in his late twenties stood at the edge of the arena, he’s Referee-san, well his name is not Referee but almost everybody call him that anyway. “Pokemon battle between Kariya and Kayla. READY. POP OUT!!”

“Electabuzz, I trust you!” Kayla sent her electabuzz, whose enter the arena with a blinding sparks of lightning.

“Magmar, go!” Kariya’s magmar is sent above the arena. It fell down to the arena with its body full of blazing fire, making its entrance scene looks like a meteor crash. Even before the real battle begun, the audience had already started cheering on both of them like crazy. Pokemon battle is such prestigious sport.

“Magmar, let’s start easy. Flamethrower!!” Kariya’s magmar shoot a line of fire at the electabuzz direction. The electabuzz did nothing and engulfed in the flame. A loud ‘Oh’ could be heard from most of the audience. Until the flame subsided, revealing the electabuzz unharmed under the protection of a light barrier, then those ‘oh’ became a loud cheer.

“Smokescreen!” Kariya won’t gave Kayla a chance to counterattack, magmar invaded the arena with blinding smoke. Coughs could e heard from the audiences.

“Everyone, please step back, this could be dangerous.” Kayla warned the audience while giving a bright smile. The audience obeyed and took one or two steps back.

“Hey hey hey. Your enemy is here! Don’t ignore me like that.”

“Ah, sorry brother. But you do know I uphold safety above everything else.”

“Goodness. Magmar, clear smog!” The already covered in smoke arena now also covered in a thick black smog, making everything harder to see.

“There, electabuzz. The source of the smog. Use thunderbolt!” A bolt of lightning escaped electabuzz’s body and struck the center of the smog. For a few second there was only silence, until magmar charge out of the smoke with a burning fist.

“So, melee is it. Electabuzz, prepare thunderpunch!” Electabuzz’s hands was covered in electric energy. It stayed in defensive stance, prepared to receive the upcoming attack.

“Magmar, finish this!” magmar punched electabuzz with its fire punch, but so is elecabuzz. The audiences could felt the heat and wind blown away as the two pokemons exchanged a few more blow, then magmar decided to pulled back and shoot a flamethrower. A wrong move at that situation because electabuzz quickly conjure another layer of light, protecting itself from harm and quickly hit magmar with a thunder punch. Sending the unprepared magmar out of the arena.

“Battle finished! Magmar is out of the arena. The winner is Kayla!” The loud cheered. Well, the crowd always cheered no matter who was wining. Among those who was cheering, the loudest cheering was done by a 10 years old girl named Rumi. She was always a fan of the twin, especially the calm and caring Kayla. She herself was aware of the high hurdle of becoming a pokemon trainer, but still, she set it as her lifetime dream. Someday, somehow, she would do her own journey to became pokemon champion!
Mockingchu and GoreMagalaHunter like this.
  1. Spoiled Bread
    Spoiled Bread
    Woah, thank you! :D
    Sometimes I struggle with word choice and just choose one that first come into my mind. As for the past tense in the dialogue, I think too much roleplay messed my sense a bit.

    Oh, and I'm Indonesian. Most of the english I learn come from games, comics and stuffs so my english skill is kinda rough.
    Jan 19, 2018
    GoreMagalaHunter likes this.
  2. GoreMagalaHunter
    Whats your native language?

    Well to start with "Most of the people make a living there by farm or barn. There was no pokecenter and no pokemart, and yet, in the corner of this village, a circle-shaped, medium sized battle area was built."

    It's alright but you could fix the first sentence by doing "Most of the people make a living there through agricultural means."

    "a living there by farm or barn" can easily be condensed into agriculture. The next sentence is also alright until you get to the next half of the sentence.

    "There was no pokecenter and no pokemart, but in the corner of the village was a circle-shaped, medium sized battle arena." See how it is shortened? There are many more examples of this but for now I will leave it at this.

    Now for the past tense stuff. examples like “Everyone. Please took caution and don’t go near the arena!” the took part in that sentence is a past tense word for take or taken. You can change that whole sentence by changing took into take. Again, there are more examples of this and it is up to you to find them, but that was just one of many I found.

    Its the little stuff that can make your story better.
    Jan 19, 2018
    Spoiled Bread likes this.
  3. Spoiled Bread
    Spoiled Bread
    Could you specify it? I'm not english native so my sense of language is a bit off. @GoreMagalaHunter
    Jan 19, 2018
    GoreMagalaHunter likes this.
  4. GoreMagalaHunter
    Why the past tense? Grammar needs work and maybe a little polishing with adding some needed words. Other than that I like it.
    Jan 19, 2018
    Spoiled Bread likes this.