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The Ry Burst Chronicles: Chapter 3: Rumble in the Cafe

by Ry_Burst

Ry_Burst Ry Burst's Pokemon are injured for his battle. What will he do. Well it's time to find out.
Ry rushed out of Route 215 with his Pokémon in their pokeballs. Fuego was hurt pretty bad from his battle and Splashy wasn't doing so hot either. He rushed towards a Cafe that read, the Cafe Cabin. He walked inside and was greeted by a young girl with short red hair.

"Hello, welcome to the Cafe Cabin, my name is Kati. How may I serve you." She said ina monotone voice, as if she had said it a billion times.

"Can you help my Pokémon, they're hurt," Ry asked frantically. Kati smiled and pulled out two bottles of a white liquid.

"Please let me see them," she said holding the bottles. Ry released his two Pokémon, and Kati gave them the bottles. Immediately they began to drink it.

"Monferno!" Cried Monferno, fully healed.

"It's Moomoo milk, our specialty," said Kati smiling. "It normally costs 500, but this time it's on the house."

"Thanks," said Ry petting his two happy Pokemon. "My name's Ry, by the way." Said Ry sticking his hand out for her to shake. She shook his hand happily.

Then a man with a bandana over his face, and a Sudowoodo burst through the door.
"This is a robbery, give me all your Moomoo milk or else." Shouted the man. His Sudowoodo beat his hands together to empathize what his master had said.

"No way," shouted Ry standing up. "I'll battle you right now." Shouted Ry.

"So I'm assuming if you win, I have to leave, but what do I get if I win?" Said the man. Then he looked at Ry's two Pokémon. He then saw Splashy. "You'll give me that Poliwag, if I win." He added.

"No way!" Shouted Ry picking Splashy up in his arms. But then Splashy jumped out of Ry's arms and landed in front of his trainer. "Splashy, you can't battle, if I lose then I lose you. I cant take that risk." Ry pleaded. Splashy just shook his head and pointed toward the Sudowoodo with his tail. Then without warning, Splashy let out a powerful Bubblebeam attack. The Sudowoodo, stumbled back.

"Wood Hammer!" Shouted the masked bandit. Sudowoodo raised his arm and lowered it towards Splashy.

"Splashy dodge and use Hypnosis!" Shouted Ry. As told, Splashy put the rock Pokemon to sleep.

"Now finish it with Bubblebeam." Ry shouted. He knocked the Sudowoodo back, causing it to faint. The masked man, grabbed his fallen Pokemon and ran away.

Ry picked up Splashy and said, "Sorry for doubting you bud."

Kati walked up to the two and said, "For helping us out take this gift." She handed Ry a case of Moomoo milk. Ry smiled at her and thanked her for the gift. Then with his team ready to go, he headed off towards Solaceon Town.
  1. Shiny Blue Gardevoir
    Shiny Blue Gardevoir
    (Been a long wait, I know, but coming up with a fair analysis of this chapter proved somewhat of a challenge for me...)

    First thing's first, I found two continuity errors in this chapter. The first one was right at the start, leading on from the second chapter, in which it is said that Fuego and Splashy are both badly hurt, but in the previous chapter, neither of them took very much damage. Also, why does the cashier's attitude change so suddenly? Why does she suddenly go from being a bored cashier to a jovial host within the space of less than half a page?

    I also found the plot to be somewhat questionable. After an action scene in the previous chapter, I expected a breather, as well as some time for Ry to bond with his new poliwag, but instead, I was thrown into another action scene. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but just be aware that the reader needs time to breathe after scenes like these, so that they can get to know the characters, and thus, care for them when they're thrown in dangerous situations.

    Also, a first-stage pokemon defeating a fully evolved pokemon, and following the commands of its trainer right after being caught seems a little... Unrealistic. Even with the type advantage.

    But, admittedly, the prose is much better in this chapter, and it's formatted correctly, so that's a bonus... I'll be back next chapter.

    Apr 3, 2017
    Ry_Burst likes this.
  2. Eevee is who I am
    Eevee is who I am
    Your great at telling stories
    Jan 10, 2017