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Xiis and Biivii

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Ked, Aug 13, 2010.

  1. Ked

    Ked

    Part One
    "Xiis (Zeeks)! Stalii (Stall-ee) and Biivii (Bee-Vee) are here to play with you!" my mom called from the den.
    "Okay Mom, I'm coming!"
    I jumped down the branches until I got to the ground.
    "Finally! We've been waiting for you!" said Stalii.
    "Yeah, we've been here for almost three minutes!" exclaimed Biivii.
    "Sorry," I said," I was at the top."
    "I can fly up there in a second!" shouted Stalii, trying to make herself look better.
    "That's because you're a Starly," Biivii said, "Us Bidoofs can barely even go up a hill, a not very steep one at that!"
    "Pfft That's because Bidoofs are so fat," commented Stalii.
    "Let's just go play!" I shouted as I ran towards the forest, "Biivii's it!"
    "I wanted-" started Stalii.
    "You're it!" exclaimed Biivii as he started running towards the forest with me.
    "Why you little!" shouted Stalii.
    "You kids play safe now!" my mom called after us, "And don't go near the edge of the forest!"
    "Why do our parents make a big fuss of leaving the forest?" Biivii asked.
    "Because they're lame and don't know where the good places to play are," Stalii replied, "And, oh I forgot."
    "What did you forget?" Biivii asked.
    "You're it!" Stalii yelled as she flew off.
    "Man!" Biivii yelled.
    Then I noticed Stalii was running off towards the edge!
    "Stalii! Don't go any further!" I screamed.
    I heard Stalii scream as a blast of fire went into the sky right towards her!
    Part Two
    "Come on Biivii!" I shouted, worried abut Stalii.
    "Okey-dokey!" Biivii replied as he started running towards me.
    We kept running until we got about to where Stalii was. I scouted the area, hoping to find Stalii somewhere.
    "Hey Xiis, where's Stalii?" Biivii asked.
    "Not now Biivii! I'm looking for Stalii!" I yelled at him.
    I noticed Biivii got real quiet, something that I know isn't good. I turned around and walked over to Biivii.
    "It's okay Biivii, I didn't mean to yell at you," I said to Biivii softly.
    Biivii is one of those Pokemon you have to be really careful with because they start crying at almost everything you say.
    "Were you frustrated?" asked Biivii.
    "Yes, yes I was," I replied.
    "You get really mean when you're frustrated," Biivii said to me.
    "Come on, help me look for Stalii," I said.
    "Okay!" Biivii said happily.
    We started looking around again. Biivii was digging what he calls holes into the ground, hoping to find Stalii. I was looking through bushes and tall grass when something kicked me. I used Charge, hoping whatever kicked me new to never, ever mess with a Shinx.
    But then I noticed the thing that kicked me got on their knees and started looking throguh the grass to find me.
    "Grrrr..." I growled.
    I think they heard me growl because they started looking slower, as if they wanted to make sure they heard me growl. Then they touched me. Now I was really mad. They touched me again, then grabbed me by my neck and picked me up.
    "I found him! I found him!" the thing holding me shouted happily.
    This really ticked me off because, first of all, I'm a girl. Seond of all I couldn't bite it because they had my neck in their fat, grubby little paws.
    "I don't think that's him," said another thing as it walked alongside the first one.
    "What?! Of course it's him! How many other Shinx here are as cute as this one?!" she yelled at the other one.
    This part I liked, I mean how many other Shinx are as cute as me?! Now I wanted her to know I was a girl. I pointed my tail at a pink flower near us, then I jerked my body towards the flower.
    "Lucas, go get that flower!" the one holding me yelled at the other one.
    "Fine, what for!" the other one yelled back as he went to get the flower.
    "Xiis here wants it!" my holder yelled back.
    I was confused at this part. How did the thing holding me know my name?! Then the thing holding me whispered something to me.
    "If your Xiis say yes," it whispered.
    "Yes?" I replied.
    "Okay, good. I'm a Ditto, you might know me," the Ditto holding me whispered.
    "But I don't know any Dittos," I said, confused.
    "No Dittos you say? How about one named Stalii?" the Ditto asked.
    "I only know a Starly named Stalii," I replied.
    "I see. If I put you down will you run?" Ditto asked.
    I thought about this for awhile.
    If I say no Ditto won't put me down, if I say yes it will. What if this really is Stalii? If it is she'll ask me and then make me promise I won't. I can never break a promise, and Stalii's the only one who knows that, so she uses it against me.
    After thinking for awhile I finally said no. Ditto put me down, but right before it let go it asked me if I promised not to run away.
    "I promise I won't run away," I said.
    Ditto let go slowly, making sure I wouldn't run away.
    "Stay here until I get back," Ditto commanded.
    Then Ditto ran over to Lucas, who was still looking for a flower, turned into a Starly, and pecked him!
    "Hi Xiis!" said Stalii happily.
    "You, what, where?!" I studdered shocked.
    "I'll explain when we get back," said Stalii.
     
  2. Ked, this has the potential to become a better story, but obviously that will involve some changes. For a start you need description, lots of it - I don't merely mean adding in a extra sentance here-and-there to the ends of your speech, but actual full paragraphs. As has been said in other places, your characters have five senses, use them.

    As nice as it is, you don't need to add the pronunciation of each of your character's name into the story proper - if you really feel the need for them, have them as a foot note at the end. In truth it's really quite distracting.

    A bit of constinency problems: you have Stalii as flying, but then not but two lines later you state her as running. Which is it? Did she land at some point? Also, unless you might have a conflict you don't need to state Stalii twice in a sentance:

    This would be better as:
    I heard Stalii scream as a blast of fire went into the sky right towards her!

    That being said, that particular sequence could become two or more sentances:
    I heard Stalii scream. A blast of fire arched through the sky toward her!

    As first chapters go, this is almost painfully short. I would suggest you read other stories that have been posted here to get an idea of how to improve your writing - this reads more as if a play script; which, as you have not stated it to be, I assume it is not.

    My apologies if I seem harsh, but I write a lot myself and make a point of trying to help other writers.
     
  3. Ked

    Ked

    Thanks for the advice! I started writing it then had to rush it because of dinner. The next parts are going to be longer and whatnot. I usually don't write things, and when I do they're really short. So, yeah.
     
  4. Never rush anything, you'll mess up. Also, you say you had to finish this before dinner - do not have a word processor that you can use and save your progress in? It will make writing much easier and, should we suffer another problem as recently, your work will be much safer.
     
  5. Ked

    Ked

    Tell me how the second part is, okay? But could you just be a little less harsh?
     
  6. My dear if you want to see harsh you should see me in the Signature Competition thread.

    It is possible, however, that you misconstrued my coment on speed; it is simply a given principle that one does not rush art.

    Onto your recent piece. As a starting point, it would be best if, instead of editing into your original post, you instead post the next section separately. This is I simply reccomend for ease of reading and that it is standard practice on these boards.

    Also, as I said, use more description. The action will become much easier to explain and follow if you take advantage of the wealth of language available to you. If you want any help with this, of course feel free to ask, would hardly be fair to tell you to do something without giving you guidance on how, no?
     

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