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Which Eyes Will They See

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Nancel, Jun 24, 2009.

  1. It's a one-shot, but I did not see a rule condeming a fanfiction of that sort so...
    'Have some Cyrus X Mesprit.
    ~It could have happened before the anime gang meets him at Celestic,
    or perhaps in Platinum before the hero and rival see him at Verity. Read it however you see fit.

    Lake Verity sparkled in vivid hues of early morning sunlight. Reflecting against

    shallow waters, the gleaming rays enveloped any living thing they touched.And,

    indeed, this was a ‘living lake'. Of the four main lakes in Sinnoh, Verity seemed

    most…alive. It radiated a captivating aura of joy, on rainy days, an aura of sorrow.

    From time to time passers by claim to have seen the goddess Mesprit hovering

    above its quiet tides. Some even say they were almost able to stroke the deity's

    fur, but it quickly disappeared before

    they could touch it.

    Only those who hadn't read the ancient scriptures would attempt to lay a finger

    on Mesprit. That…or the young ones.

    Scattering a group of bidoof, someone walked along the bank. The man, who

    continuedinching foreword toward the shoreline, wore black pants along with a

    similarly-colored jacket. However, the jacket was adorned with artistically rendered

    Palkia wing embroidered directly onto the fabric.

    He stopped before the cave which raised itself above the lake's surface. Staring at

    his own reflection in the water, he received back a pair of stone-cold, sunken eyes

    and an abnormally pale face.

    "If I am to obtain a job at the Celestic Museum…this guise is unacceptable."

    Despite the forlorn appearance, the man, Cyrus, possessed an unexplained

    elegance demonstrated in nearly every move he made. Even the motion of lifting

    his head to breathe in the lake's pure air had its own strange beauty."So, I come in

    need. I have come to seek your aid, Mesprit."

    A mass of light appeared. It molded, materalizing into a small, fairy-like pokemon.

    The goddess had a magenta head, dangling from it were four appendages, each

    standing for one of the base human emotions; happiness, anger, sadness, and compassion.

    She settled gently on his shoulder, curling her two long tails around his body.

    "After so many years, my child has returned, my beautiful, divine child." Mesprit

    pressed her head against his skull as she caressed his hair and skin with tender,

    loving strokes. "For you, dear, there is no danger in ‘feeling'."

    "That is not what I came to discuss." He stated as if oblivious to Mesprit's touch.

    "Then, come. Tell me why you have visited this dungeon of your past, where my

    child is bound to me forever." She let go of his body, unwrapping her tails,

    proceeding to hover over his head again, looking directly from above.

    After a few moments of silence, with only the sound of flowing water to break it,

    Cyrus spoke:
    "Mesprit…" He sighed. "I am going to dethrone Arceus. I am going to become God.

    For this to have the least bit of chance succeeding, I will need you. This creature is

    already a part of you…"

    "Oh yes. Your emotions are quite a sensitive bunch…Very easily offended, and

    very easy to fall in love with." The goddess chuckled.

    "-…it is time for you to become a part of me." He recited without feeling.

    Mesprit drew back as if confused, but there was no confusion in the smile on her

    face. She rested upon Cyrus' head, slowly lowering her petite body until it hung

    over his forehead. Glaring upside-down into his dead eyes the goddess continued

    to listen. "You hold the blood, the living energy of the human spirit in those gems.

    As does Uxie, as does Azelf. Other gods do not have that life to call upon. They are

    immortal; death does not pose a threat to them. It is only in living where they can

    be destroyed. In other words…I cannot kill a god. However, I can shackle it and

    restrain it, make it my little toy if you will.

    To do this I need the strength of life, And, in those gems, life is wholly embodied.

    If I can tear those crystals out of you (plus, of course, the other two), they can be

    concentrated into a solid substance. A substance in the shape of a chain…"

    "…Which will bind us…together." Mesprit reached for him again, hugging her tiny

    arms around his neck while nuzzling his hollow cheek. "I understand you." Her

    golden eyes closed. "Your emotions are screaming. Those poor, excessively tender

    little feelings are whirling about inside my head like a tornado. I always have your

    emotions, my son, because they are so much more vibrant than the ones granted

    to me by Lord Arceus. My original soul embodied only the base emotions of human

    nature, of which the humans had to build upon themselves. This goddess aches to

    own it all. She wants the entire spectrum of emotions at her disposal."

    The wind surrounding Lake Verity chilled. Pokemon who had been foraging and

    playing along the shoreline grasses fled. Quietness blanketed the air like a sea of

    falling snow, whispering through a grey, cold winter sky.

    "I will give you everything."

    With a natural grin of superiority spread across her face, Mesprit straightened her

    back, lifting her head as to look intimidating.

    "I can indeed lift my spirit from my body and enter someone else's. That is one of

    my divine powers, you see. With me in your body, you would most certainly be able

    to display the basic emotions of happiness, anger, sadness, and compassion. It

    can also be assured, of course, that your appearance would change. In meaning,

    I'll make sure you don't have that sickly, pale complexion or that unnaturally thin


    But, these eyes are a different story. In times of intense emotion, you must be

    careful, for the glow of my soul inside you might surface."

    "That is a risk I am willing to take. Come, Mesprit. Join me…become me… "

    She was ready. In a flash of luminescent magenta light, Mesprit charged like a

    raging tauros at Cyrus' forehead. Striking it dead-on with the red jewel on her

    own, he did not fall. Instead, he proceeded to enter a wide-eyed trance, a state

    where he appeared to have no control over his mind or body.

    The gem was dissolving, sinking itself into his skin. Veins along the side of Cyrus'

    face bulged as the goddess entered his body.

    < "Because of my curse you are deprived of love and unable to recognize my

    deepest affection." > She whispered soothingly through thought. < "I have sucked

    the life out of you. Now, I will finally give it back." >

    Sleep while you can, legendary pokemon of the lake bed.

    I know I'm a horrible writer. Please don't be too harsh. {.___.}"
    #1 Nancel, Jun 24, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. For something formatted like a poem, that did lack the beat. Is it a more classical approach or not a poem at all? Edit: You changed to left-aligned rather than centre after I posted this, so now it makes more sense as a standard story rather than a poem. I'd say go with left-aligned as and when you can.

    Aside from the 'what is it' question, this isn't all that bad. Your use of ellipses seems a bit excessive in parts, italics could take their place in some parts and in others the sentance structure may imply pauses for the read (but that really varies from reader to reader).

    It is, despite the minor grammatical faults, an interesting take on the Legendary Pokemon. I have to say, when I saw 'Cyrus X Mesprit' in the second line there, I was worried this was going to be some trashy attempt at inter-species romance with no plot but a lot of 'look deeply into my swirling orbs of love' or whatever. I'm glad it's not, otherwise I would have had to hate you, purely on principle.

    Even though it is a one-shot (which I believe is fair under the rules, short stories can be quite short) you've built up a decent history between the two characters, explaining parts of it, but not all, so as to keep a nice amount of mystery for us to mull over. The implications of a greater future are nice as well; these sort of 'build' up scenes where's the not a terrible amount of action make for good shorts.

    So, the only things I can really say are to work out your formatting, wrangle those ellipses and never write trashy romance, inter-species or not.
  3. This really brought up some emotion while I was reading it. I was touched by how affectionate Mespirit seemed to the apathetic Cyrus.

    With than the things Tatile said, with a little reformating and editing this could be a decent short story. It was descriptive, too, which is a plus.

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