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Twilight Brigade

Discussion in 'Pokémon Role Play' started by leo223, Jul 23, 2009.

  1. OOC: I'm not completly sure I have the RP rules down but I'll try.

    Wes was wandering the grounds of Jhoto protecting more pokemon habitats and stopped at Goldenrod City. He was there to stock up on medicine, and other provisons. When he finished stocking up on potions, antidots and the works, he headed out to the wildlife. When he was just about to leave the the lights, and noise of the big city, he saw a building glowing blue in a window. Wes was curious about what it was. For the 3 days he was in Goldenrod, Wes was told from every official that that building was abandoned. He approached the base of the building, and the sight was the same; just a blue light. Wes walked around to the front. The doors were chained shut. Wes even saw plants vining up the building, which always indicates old. He went back to the side, and thought that he would be trespassing, but if anyone's in there then they were trespassing.

    Wes brought Lucario(named Luke) out, "Luke, I think something's up in that building. Every official says that building is run-down, and abandoned. Use Psychic to bring us up to the third level." Luke did as instructed, and brought them up to the third level where the blue light came from. They peaked into the window, and saw a group of people who appeared to be scanning a Togetic. A few minutes later a blue shock zapped the Togetic and then it let out a big cry. The Togetic then evolved into a Togekiss. The pokemon became black, and red-eyed. Then one man in a labcoat said, "Welcome, Togekiss-X. Hahahahahahahah!!"

    Another man in a black suit and grey spikey hair said, "Sir the next X-Pokemon is ready." Then more men in labcoat people rolled in a caged Pichu, scared, and timid. Wes watches another process like with Togetic. The Pichu rams into the steel cage bars, with no effect. The Pichu shrieks in pain from electric shocks. Then he evolves right into a black Raichu. The Raichu had a dirranged voice, and let out a small amount of black shocks. Wes told Lucario to use Aura Sphere on the machine shocking and corrupting pokemon. Once he finished the attack, the group said, "In the name of Team NightShade you will pay for your crimes!!"

    Then the others ran after the two. Wes then brought out Froslass to put them to sleep. Then the three ran away. After they escaped into the forest, he made papers that advertise a liberation army to help X-Pokemon, the Twilight Brigade. The meeting was held in the forest in an abandoned red and white circus tent. The circus tent was filled with obstacles and courses that acrobatic pokemon used to train. Wes waited for any takers. Froslass and Lucario trained on courses to pass the time. Obviously, Team Nightshade was aimed for world domination with X-Pokemon. Thier team uniform forever burned an image in his mind. The outfits were purple t-shirts, and short sleeve black coats with hoods. Wes was worried that if they did an X-experiment on a legandary pokemon, the world would be in more trouble then it already is.
     
  2. Sem

    Sem The Last of the Snowmen
    Former Administrator

    Okies... erm... There's all sorts of wrong going on here. :/ Mainly that;

    it's short,
    it's all crammed into a big wall of text,
    There's no details AT ALL.
    You're writing in past and present tense, which is just weird and confusing.

    K. Here on Charms we like decently long things, typically a page or even almost a page on Microsoft Word is ok. This just gives you more room to write, makes it not seem rushed, and looks better to people hoping to join.

    Break it into paragraphs.

    Details, details, details. There's none here. Describe everything. From Wes, to the city, to the shop he bought supplies at, to the building in which the creepy things happened. What's the time of day? What's the weather like?

    You have five sense, so should your character. What does he see? what does he hear? Is there anything to smell? ect. How does he feel? What's he thinking?

    Describe the evil people better, describe just what they do to the pokemon.

    Also, write in the pass tense. Wes then brought out Froslass. Then the three ran away. The pichu evolved into a black raichu. Ect.

    I highly suggest rewriting this and taking your time with it.
     

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