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Through the Tinted Lens

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Tangrow, Jun 7, 2009.

  1. ][​IMG]
    Chapter 1: The Grey of the Morn

    Many people come to Hearthome City to see the sights and the Contests, and just for the beauty. Others come for the Gyms. And of course, there are the large mansions, along with the church, where one such girl was walking towards with a hurried gait. One would certainly say she wasn't dressed for the day, due to the odd looks she got from the way her oily grayish hair was tied in two pony tails, slightly frizzing. Or maybe it could've been from the black bathrobe she was wearing, luckily tied tightly. Her eyes had a tired, forlorn gaze in them, with her lips pursed tightly together, making them all the less viewable on her pale skin. It was as if she was only focusing her pumpkin colored eyes at the pointed spire of the place of worship, although this was quickly disproved as she jumped over the muddy puddle left from last night's rain so as to avoid getting her black shoes wet. Luckily, it wasn't as rainy today, so she had decided to bring her bag that constantly made a clunking noise with every step she took.

    Walking past the marbled steps leading into the church, instead of entering it, she hurriedly trod the cobblestone path just past the church to a great, large, and rusted gate with intricate designs. In contrast to the grand barricade was a small shack, made of wood to the side. She knew what was inside, and also knew it was not much worse than her own home. Walking up to this little hovel, she rang the little bell hanging off the short ceiling, only having to get on her tiptoes to grab and shake it a bit. A gruff voice resonated from the inside, yelling, "I'm coming, I'm coming!" After a few grunts and sighs, an old, crippled bald man with a long beard hobbled out. With a slightly disgruntled expression on his face, he fiddled a bit with his tinted spectacles, and his expression immediately brightened when he focused on the seventeen-year-old girl before him, staring at the man intently.

    "Oh, hello, Katelynn! You're up early! I assume you wish to head inside?"

    Looking towards the gate and back, she said while looking at the floor in a quiet, subdued voice, "I…I would like to go alone this time. If that's alright, Ygor…" Her voice trailed off as she slowly returned the elderly man's gaze. Without a word, the man entered his little shack, and after a little shuffling, return, a bright golden key in his hand. With a smile, he handed it off to Katelynn, who quickly murmured a thank you and strode towards the rusty old gate with speed. After a bit of fervent fumbling with the lock, she pushed the key in and turned it, hearing the familiar creaking of the hinges as she pushed the gate open. After some walking on the dirt path bordered by the dense trees that seemed to be endless, she entered a large area of gravestones, burial mounds, and even just some sticks. The place emanated with sadness, but she barely even flinched, intent on reaching her destination.

    Instead of stopping at one of these areas that depicted where a loved one was laid, she instead headed into a side pathway especially flanked by the ever-tall Oak trees. Taking great care to step lightly, she stealthily made her way through this siding, stepping over any fallen branches and the like. In a few minutes, she had reached a small clearing surrounded by the omnipresent forest, where a single gravestone was set at the top of a small hill, a single weeping willow bending over it, as if it was sheltering it from harm and other such dangers. Briskly walking up to it, she got to her knees and laid some lilies in front of this monument to something. After doing so, she stared to the cloudy, ominous sky, and started murmuring to herself.

    "Oh, Luna, I miss you every day and night…it's-it's been a year now, hasn't it? A year since I lost you…And soon, oh, very soon, I plan to avenge you, and you can finally rest in peace, knowing that he will be dead, and I as well. We will be together again, if it kills me, and it will. Ha, I still remember when I first met you, and saw your beautiful shining eyes…" And with this, the girl closed her own eyes, resting her head on the back of the tree, setting her bag of unknown contents to the side, began to reminisce of a time long ago, when she was happy.

    (Yeah, this is my own fiction~ I will ask to be critiqued, as I'm certain I have some sort of tense mistakes in there…Just to say, this little story will jump back and forth through different time periods, so watch out for that, as I'm not explicitly mentioning such things. I also apologize for this being short in advance, that happens a lot for my first chapters >> And also, THERE IS a reason for all those porcelain cats on Katelynn >> Aaand, maybe a reason for the whip :3)
    #1 Tangrow, Jun 7, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. Psycho Monkey

    Psycho Monkey Member of the Literary Elite Four

    It is a pretty interesting first chapter Tangrow. Your descriptions are great, and you've set up an intriguing plot. I can't wait for Katelynn's backstory to get underway! :)
  3. Oooh, I can almost feel the mystery surrounding this story. It would be excellent to read more.

    Is there going to be murder? Please?
  4. >>
  5. Ah, so there is a reason for those omni-present sprites; they seemed to have turned up in quite a few places (also out of nowhere as they have no home linked to them).

    This is good, I like it. It is short, but it's also sufficiently long enough for you to give us an idea of the world young Kaetlynn is living in, as well as giving us enough information to be a hook, but not enough to give the story away. I like the use of the Weeping Willow in conjunction with the secluded grave, it gives it an air of mystery.

    I do like the way you introduced Luna and gave us a glimsp into the possible nature of their past relationship. Do write more, make the chapters a little longer if you can but try not force it. You'll only end up with a mess if you force it.
  6. Oooh. Spooky! I enjoy spooky stories! This shows promise to be VERY interesting.

    One thing I really liked was your use of description. You gave me a vivid picture of Katelynn, and the world around her. Well done! I can't wait for more!

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