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The Year of the Hero

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by **BeginwiththeEnd**, May 27, 2009.

  1. All right, this is a fanfic of pretty much the games of pokemon I thought of. I've already thought of most of it, but I'd like to get some suggestions to make my story better. ;D

    Chapter 1: Homecoming
    Orre Region: Pokemon Lab HQ

    Micheal was walking home to his home (A.K.A. the Lab) while carrying his Eevee in his arms. He still can't believe what he's gone through with his little friend. After Cipher came back from thier 5-year snooze, Micheal had been snagging shadow pokemon and purifing them, including the recent purification of his Lugia.

    After a full year, he's been going back to school, helping his mom and stepdad, Prof. Krane, and training his pokemon. "Hey Eevee, when we get home, how about we have some Krabby eggs with soy sauce, huh?" Eevee's face turned abit green after hearing the menu. "Ahh, c'mon, it's not as bad as it sounds!" When Micheal got to the entrance of the Lab, he found something off. He heard a ticking noise at the door, like a alarm, but it was very faint.

    He noticed as it got louder what it was. "Eevee, get your head down!!" he yelled as he fan as fast as he can from the door. Within seconds, the door had blown up in a stunning explosion. The entrance was now covered it red and orange furious flames. A man came out of the flames, but they were being pushed away by a floating Alakazam. The man wore blue robe with black stipes on the sides, while wearing blue, fat shades. His hair was a dense black, which was styled back into a slick position. Micheal never thought he'd ever see this man again, heck, he thought he'd never have to worry about megliomaniacs period. But the man was standing calmly, right there.
    "It's been a while, hasn't it?" the man spoke in his greesy voice.

    He was part of Cipher. He was a nutcase.

    His name was Ardos.
     
  2. Honestly speaking here, this is just my opinion, though I do believe it is an opinion I share with the vast majority, ie 95% of writers.

    First thing that struck me? Basic spelling.

    "beleive", "thier", things like that. Grammar is also an issue, for example I think you mean "Carrying" rather than "Caring" in the first sentence.

    As I read further, the first and second paragraphs I felt are incredibly vague. They lack description and I feel you can expand massively in most areas.

    Describe everything!

    For example, all we know about Micheal is that he is walking, "SOMEWHERE". The only reason why I know where he is, is because you said so in the "Orre Region:" bit at the start. Where in Orre? What's it like? Is it cold? Night time? A forest? A desert? A city filled with Skuntank? I have no idea, because you haven't said!

    He has an Eevee in his arms, which we have no idea what its like as well. Is it angry? Is it tired? Is it two years old or a baby? Does it have a special feature like green eyes or a second tail? Does it have any battling experience or has it recently sweeped the entire Elite Four in Hoenn on its own? Is it covered in blood, or is it just red paint from his (Or hers, you haven't said!) favourite paint pot?

    What about Micheal himself? Is he eight years old or fifteen? Does he wear anything at all? (He couldn't for all I know, you haven't said.) Is he bald? Does he have a robotic arm, covered in bunny rabbits?

    That's the first 'paragraph' done. Three sentences is hardly a paragraph at all.

    I also, personally, don't believe in using legendaries at all in fanfics. There's only one, and if you transplant yourself into the Pokemon world then there must be about six million at least, people around. What's the chance you manage to SEE something as strong as Lugia, especially when you say Micheal is still at school! Let alone capture and purify it!

    From the third paragraph onwards I feel that your quality is improving. I think that a plot is beginning to arise with the bomb in the lab, however I think that the first pair of paragraphs don't complement it at all. The bottom two paragraphs make the top pair look random, and vice versa. They don't fit together at all in my opinion.

    I feel that if you take what I've said into account above, you might actually be able to turn this around. I like the idea of a bomb in the lab and the return of Cipher. But the rest of it? Its letting the plot down, which currently I think is the only thing that is giving this story a vague chance at surviving.

    Seriously consider what I have said, and you aught to read other people's fics here to get an idea of the quality I mean. You should also read the stickies at the top of this board, as well as this one too. Link.



    Phew. Did I just write that massive wall of text? Must be my biggest post here!

    I sincerely hope its of some use to you, BeginwiththeEnd.



    Edit: Spend some time on your fanfic as well. To give you an idea, this post took me around... ten minutes to write? Add in planning, re-writing and proof reading and a chapter would take you a few days to get going. (Taking into account you're not spending your life writing it :p)

    Try re-writing the whole thing, in my opinion. Write it in word, or a word processing program, so you can check basic grammar easily. You can save it and continue it later there too.

    I wish you the best of luck with this in the future, as well :)
     
  3. Well, to answer your first question LoN, this fanfic I made is kinda a thing for people who have played Pokemon XD. You know how (for example) the first Pokemon movie didn't explain JACK about the series or pokemon? Well, i was too..um..tired. (ok, too lazy) to add a back story, so if you haven't played Pokemon XD and read this, your out of luck. :/ But your right, I need to work on spelliing and grammer, which have been big weak points in my writing.

    Other than that, thanks for the constuctive critisism! XD
     
  4. Simple solution for you. Don't write when you're tired. Write when you feel ready to, and don't force it out.

    Simple as that.
     
  5. Chapter 2: Revenge

    Micheal's feet felt glued to the floor, just looking at the man in the blue cape. All this might have stunned his body, but his brain was going into overdrive, remembering the events in the last year...
    ~@~
    1 Year Ago, Citadel Isle

    Micheal felt nervous, feeling for the pokeballs in his poket. Sweat was running down his face as the elevator to the top of Master Greevil's Dome was swiftly going up. This past year he was dragged out of his safe and boring life, to be placed in the middle of a crisis between a organization out for world domination.
    Cipher.

    His mom, Lily, and sister, Jovi have been worried about him, taking on villians using Shadow Pokemon, Pokemon who have been turned into killing machines, and now taking on the Man in charge. One thing he can't get off his mind that one of Greevil's admins said...
    "If you could...please...stop are master from doing something stupid...I...I just want to see him smile to me...one last time..."
    Did that mean he really wasn't all that evil?
    He felt the elevator stop, giving him a sudden jolt. He gulped thinking that he could do this, that the fate of all people and pokemon in Orre, is up to him.

    He walked out of the elevator, but soon regreted it as the elevator plummeted back down. "Well, there goes my ride..." Micheal mumbled to himself. "Well well, I guess you finnally made your choice..." a booming voice said over the loud-speaker. "Too bad...", the voice continued, "it was a stupid one."

    Micheal saw a small man in a floating chair come up to him. It was Master Greevil. He had big ears and was bald, wore a black and blue robe, but it was small, since he looked no bigger than a 8-year old boy. "Umm...your the leader of Cipher?" Micheal asked puzzled. "Of course I am, you fool! What did you expect?!" Master Greevil said angered. "I was expecting someone more...threatening..." This infuriated Greevil, as he pounded the side of his hover-chair repeatly, which just made him look more stupid.

    "Enough of this idiocy!" Greevil exclaimed. I shall show you my master Pokemon! The one shadow pokemon...that can't be purified." Greevil said with an evil grin. Micheal just ended up bopping him in the nose, causing Greevil to squeel and hover backwords. "Dude, you were getting WAAAY too close to my bubble." Micheal said, streching his arms to show his 'bubble'.

    "ENOUGH!!" Greevil yelled and opened his dome, showing the smoke shrouding the sun above. "My experiment, XD001, shall destroy you!" As he finished his statement, a giant black bird came swooping in, landing next to Greevil. The bird was actually supposed to be white, but the dark aura, that turned it into a shadow pokemon, caused it to turn black. It was a Shadow Lugia. The first non-purifable pokemon. "ATTACK!" Greevil damanded, pointing at Micheal.

    Luckily, Micheal took his Eevee out of it's pokeball in time, causing it to use Safeguard, which defleced Lugia's Shadowbeam. Lugia roared in pain, but then suddenly snapped out of it and attacked again.

    It was a long battle, and Micheal couldn't keep this up. At this rate...Eevee might die. Micheal needed to do something fast, then he saw the opening in the dome, which gave him an idea. "Eevee, return!" Micheal called and sent it back into the pokeball. "That's it? your giving that easily? Well, I shouldn't be suprised." Greevil said, mocking Micheal. "Go, Pikachu!" Micheal; screamed throwing his next pokeball. Pikachu then jumped into the air above the dome. "A game of cat & mouse, ey? Very well." Greevil said. And he sent Lugia after Pikachu.
    Exactly what Micheal wanted.

    "Now Pikachu!! THUNDER!" Micheal yelled, then watched as a huge bolt of lighting came down, and did in Lugia, making it drop out of the sky, astonishing both Greevil & Micheal.
     
  6. Chapter 3: Disaster

    Micheal finnally got enough courage to move. "W-Why are you here?!" Micheal demanded. "Well, that's kind of a rude thing to say. Shouldn't you be glad to see me?" Micheal actually would be glad to see him get thrown off a cliff, but now wasn't the time.
    Ardos continued, "But seriously, why try and stop me? You didn't even have the guts to kill my master...the same man who tried killing your Professor...what was his name? Prof. Lame?" "Krane!" Micheal screamed, mad at this man for disrespecting his step-dad. "But unlike Greevil, I shall not fail! Go Alakazam! Get rid of them!" And Adros's Alakazam responded by lifting him and Eevee off the ground and into a wall, making Micheal here loud crackels of bone from behind him.
    Hearing Ardos's laughs reminds him of Greevil's...

    ~@~
    1 Year Ago:
    Citadel Isle.

    Lugia dropped from the sky like a rock. The sounds around Micheal were like a blur, as pikachu was a yellow flash, trying to get away from the black mass slowly falling. Micheal was losing oxygen, and losing it fast. His vision was becoming more blurry by the second. No...I can't die here! he told himself. I...I still have Krane's ball...the one he was saving...I can still win! Micheal then, with the last of the feeling of his arm, threw the purple ball at the black mass as it dropped.

    Micheal either saw the white light of his pokeball...or the stairs of heaven waiting for his life to end. Which ever it was, it ended quickly, seeing only a purple dot fall to the floor. He slowly got his vision back. The presense of that ultimate shadow pokemon almost killed him...but now it's his. He could now see Greevil's expression with great detail. His face in anguish, for having his greatest experiment...captured by a 12-year old.

    "You...you will pay for this!" Greevil yelled, smashing a button on his chair. The dome's opening suddenly closed as a voice come over the intercom. "CITADEL ISLE DOME FORMATION SELF-DESTUCTD SEQUECNCE COMENCED. 5 MINUTES TO EVAQUATE ISLAND." "What did you do?! Do you want us to BOTH die?!" "If I can't live to see my pokemon rule the world, neither will you! "Father, stop!" A voice yelled coming from the elevator. It was the girl who worked for Greevil.
    The one who regreted it.

    She wore a pink cloak, fat shades, and had her dark pink hair slicked like Ardos's. But unlike Ardos, she was confused wether or not what Greevil was doing was right or wrong. "Please Father, your putting everyone on this island in danger!" "Screw those fools! You will carry on my work, Eldes! You will-"

    "But I don't want to!" Eldes screamed, on the verge of tears. "I don't want you to die! I want you to stop this stupidity! Please...I want my father back..." Eldes that stopped, hiccuping as she cried. "Eldes, you fool." said you voice from across the room. It was a man in a blue cloak.
    It was Ardos.

    "Our father is trying to accomplish a great goal. A goal that shall make us wealthy beyond one's dreams! We shall have the world under are wings!" Ardos stated, grinning at the thought.
    "What? Make a dream by killing others?" Eldes askedos's grin faded. "These pokemon...there hurt! Broken inside! And you know why, Ardos?" Eldes said. "Becuase we wanted to put others beneath us!" Micheal was stunned that she thought of all this. "You do realize" Micheal started, having everyone stare at him. "You can have one more chance if you stop this right now."

    Greevil's eyes had tears running down, as he whispered, "What have I done?..." He then hit a button on his chair and spoke into it. "Everyone, this is your leader, Master Greevil. Evacuate the island and head to shore, the police will find us anyway. It's over. Eldes then smiled over her dad's choice. Ardos wasn't so happy.

    "Your just going to give up like that?! You can't be serious?!" "I am son." Greevil said. "You have no right to call me your son! I will show you all...I will finish what Greevil started!!" And ardos let out a Salamence and broke through the dome with a Skull Bash. "No Ardos!" Greevil yelled. "Too late" was all Ardos said before he flew off.

    After that, Greevil, Eldes, Micheal, and all the Cipher members all headed to shore, and were arrested. Greevil and Eldes were released nearly a week ago for good behavior. Ardos was never found however...
    ~@~

    Alright, I'll be done with Chapter 4 soon, but WOW 100 views already. 0_o Thanks for the support :D
     
  7. Chapter 4: The Equal

    Ardos still had his Alakazam pinning Micheal and Eevee to the wall of the flaming Pokemon Lab. Micheal's breathing was getting heavy, as he only could see the smoke coming from the side of the building. He heard Ardos's voice loud and clear in front of him, however. "This is where the difference in our powers show. You hide behind your your stupid creatures, protecting your friends and family through 'justice'." Ardos mcoked the word justice by twisting Micheal's arm. "Where's your 'justice' going to help now, huh?! You are going to die here, just for a stupid professor, doing a stupid job." Micheal then spit in Ardos's eye as he got close, making him grunt.

    "Fine, have it your way...Alakazam, crush him like a worm!" And Alakazam's eyes grew blue as he said that. Micheal could feel his body being pressured into the wall, making it hard to breathe. He saw Eevee, sqealing in pain. But he saw Eevee was too small to be squished as fast.
    Bingo.

    Micheal mouthed out something looking at Eevee, and somehow, Eevee understood. He then, as he was being crushed, spit something out of his mouth toward Alakazam's face. It was a Shadow Ball. It hit Alakazam strait in the face, which made him lose concentration. Micheal and Eevee then dropped to the ground, sucking up air like a fish gasping in a puddle.

    Ardos lookd seathed as he said, "You want a fight huh? Well, we will-" Beep-beep-beep! Ardos heard his cellphone go off he quickly answered it. "...What is it?...What...The findings? Well do something!...Fine, I'll be there..." He looked at Micheal with a calm look on his face, as if he just forget what just happened 5 minutes ago. "I'm sorry, boy, but I have duties..." He then pulled out a small keychain, pressed a button on it, and a small, sleek helicopter came out. "Well play another time, shall we?" Ardos said as he went up in the copter. Micheal couldn't follow him, since he didn't have any Flying-pokemon with him.

    "Oh, and have "important"matters to deal with?" Ardos then pointed toward the Lab as he flew off. Micheal then snapped out of his trance as he stormed into the building. Scientists and Pokemon were trying to get out of the building, but Micheal couldn't find Lily, Jovi, or Krane anywhere. He asked one of the scientists, and he said he last saw them in Krane's office.

    Micheal stormed into the office, seeing Jovi huddlednext to Lily and Krane. "Big Brother!" Jovi yelled, but a giant peice off wood from the roof collapsed on the floor. "Ursaring! Use Strength!!" Micheal yelled, sending out his Ursaring. He got his mom, sister, and step dad quickly to the entrance.As soas Micheal and co. were going to run out the door, and gas tank probably exploded becuase hot air pushed Jovi, Micheal, and Krane out the door. Lily was still stuck inside.

    "MOM!!!" Micheal yelled starting to run into the Lab. Krane was holding onto Micheal, stopping him."Krane, what are you doing?!" Micheal yelled, tears welling up in his eyes. "I-I don't want to lose you too, Micheal..." Krane said softly, crying, still looking at the blocks of wood blocking the door. Micheal couldn't stand he thought of his mother burning to death, so he pushed Krane out of the way in his fury, and headed toward the door.

    Micheal ran toward the door, thinking of his mom's smiling face...but that visiion ended, as he heard the noise of an explosion in the Lab, which made the whole building crumble to the ground. "Noooo! MOM!" Micheal screamed, looking at the floor whimpering, feeling defeated.
     
  8. So, I have had alot of ideas for this chapter, and if it feels like good idea, I'll post my other versions of this chapter!

    Chapter 5: The Skulls

    Sinnoh Region:
    Near Celestic Town

    The wind was blowing softly, as a waitress was pouring ice-cold beer into a long bearded western man's drink. "Hey lil' lady, you hear about those skull bandits around here?" the man asked the waitress, drinking his beer slowly.

    "Actually have heard rumors. They take the goods from noble folks, right?" The young waitress said in her soft voice.

    "Yeah" The man started. "I have heard they also might-" A loud slamming sound was at the door of the bar. Two pale-looking kids came in through the door, although one of them stumbled in. One kid had brown hairand was wearing a baret-like hat, with a pokeball design in sliverish-blue and gray colors. His shirt was in the same design as well. he wore denim jeans that would have suited the other kid more, however.

    The other kid, who stumbled in, had dark blonde hair, in a weird design, like a claw, and wore a pin-stiped dress shirt that was red and white. This kid seemed kinda hyper for some reason.

    "Are you sure this is the right bar, Lucas?" The blonde one whispered to the brown haired kid. "well, unless Prof. Rowan lied, the information on Cipher is here somewhere." Lucas said to the blonde one.
     
  9. Well, after reading all this, I have to say that your ideas are good. However, you need to apply more description and build-up to almost all the areas of the plot. For example, you killed Micheal's mother; usually this would be a tear-jerking moment for most readers, but your utter lack of tension or explanation of their relationship makes it seem more like a footnote in the boy's life, rather than the turning point it should be.

    Your latest chapter is beyond short. Someone may have tried to pass off two paragraphs as a chapter before, but that does not mean that a short series of dialogue will count either. What little description you have is lacking; we get no idea of what the inside of the of the bar/restaurant/cafe/bistro/gentleman's club is like; no idea of the atmosphere, set-up or how many people are present. If you added in more detail, you could easily foreshadow future events, which would make writing the story as a whole easier because then you wouldn't have to contend with rapid explanations about any plot-hole that may occur.

    On your previous chapters: You rush through the fight scenes, missing oodles of action you could include to give the reader a better idea of the personalities of the main characters and also you miss an ample oppurtunity to lengthen your chapters without having to add in wholely superfluous scenes. Also, you seem to have had some trouble with slipping between past and present tense (as in, 'was' versus 'is' respectively), which confuses the action and causes your story to stumble along, rather than flowing smoothly (thereby making reading it a bit of job, rather than something that should be relaxing). You have a few basic dialogue-grammar errors: you tend to start new speech (Michael talking then, say, Greevil talking) on the same line as previous speech; this is a bad idea for multiple reasons: it confuses who is speaking (especially in cases where two or more characters are arguing; it looks like one person is yelling at themselves (an occurance that one may want to have in a story, but even then, opponent speech should be on a new line, description can state who it is)) and makes everything harder to follow.

    You also seem to use inappropriate terms or words at times. I'm just going to pick on two: In your second chapter "A game of cat & mouse" - the ampersand (&) is, techincally, wrong; you should use the normal form of 'and', as a general rule ampersands should probably be reserved for company names (eg Marks & Spencers, if you've ever heard of them) or certain phrases and/or slogans (I'd say usually trademark slogans and the like). It's not a big issue, it just looks terribly odd compared with the fact you've used 'and' in all other instances.

    In your fifth chapter, it's your description that trips up; notably on the act of tripping. "Two pale-looking kids came in through the door, although one of them stumbled in." Here, 'although' is needed as you did not describe anything about the other's running/walking actions. I would say a better way to put this is like this:

    "Two pale teenagers hurried in through the door, one of them stumbling over the frame."

    or, perhaps, if you want to convey a difference in personality between the two (this for example, I'm not saying that each is like how I describe here)

    "The door to the cafe slammed open and in stumbled a panting, pale-faced boy, tripping over his own two feet in his excitement and haste. He was closely followed by his partner, who, in comparison, was far more collected about the situation."

    I'm just trying to give some examples of where you can go with description and how useful it is for creating your characters. Remember that people convey more of themselves through their actions than through their words, dialogue is important, but non-verbal communication can be more-so.

    Well, I hope this post was helpful to you and not a hindrance :)
     
  10. Thanks for your help Tatile! ;D I've been having ideas of becoming an author when I grow up, so advice like this could help me become a great writer like James Patterson or Tom Clancy.

    Now that I look at it, my 5th chapter seems short and rushed...not a very good thing I suppose. I do my best to have my writing skills and i hope people like you help me on the way.
     

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