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The Unova Chronicles- The Adventure of Sal and Bianca

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Anonymous, Mar 10, 2011.

  1. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    This is my first story. Please enjoy!

    Prologue.

    Hello, My name is Sal , Sal Cobb. I live in the Unova Region. I live in the small town of Nuvema with my best friend Cheren and my girlfriend Bianca. She's super cute and funny. We've been together for about a year now. I walked over to my dresser to grab my clothes. I typically wear a pair of Light Blue jeans ,a Light Blue jacket (usually unzipped) with a red t-shirt underneath.

    I have always wanted to be a Poke'mon trainer. I shared this dream with Bianca. I picked up the comb from my night-stand and ran it through my thick dark-brown hair ,then I picked up my red scarf and walked outside to meet her as my Xtransceiver rang. It was Professor Juniper.

    "Hello Sal." ,she said , "I need to see you in my lab for a minute ,and don't worry ,I also invited Bianca and Cheren. See you later ". She hung up.


    More to come soon.
     
    #1 Anonymous, Mar 10, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  2. Sem

    Sem The Last of the Snowmen
    Former Administrator

    Hello young one. This is uh... Well, you could definitely use some improvement. First of all your writing itself is a bit odd. There's nothing wrong with first person perspective, but you definitely need to take care. You need to watch for your tenses. I see a mix of past and present tense in your post, which is just a no no. You also lack details, which are extremely important.

    Also your post is incredibly short, even for a prologue. I would suggest reading this topic and then going over your post again.
     
    #2 Sem, Mar 10, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  3. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    Thanks for the helpful advice. I'll be sure to work on it. In the mean time can you please lock this so I can repost this after some tweaking?
     
  4. Sem

    Sem The Last of the Snowmen
    Former Administrator

    Just edit your main post when you're done. We don't need more than one topic ;o
     
    #4 Sem, Mar 10, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  5. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    Will do ,Your the Mod after all.
     
  6. You seem fairly new to writing, which is fine, but there are a couple things I'd noticed that many newbies, and even some more experienced writers, tend to make the mistake of doing:

    Hello, My name is Sal , Sal Cobb. I live in the Unova Region. I live in the small town of Nuvema with my best friend Cheren and my girlfriend Bianca. She's super cute and funny. We've been together for about a year now. I walked over to my dresser to grab my clothes. I typically wear a pair of Light Blue jeans ,a Light Blue jacket (usually unzipped) with a red t-shirt underneath.

    This is way too much information for just the first paragraph. Instead of telling us everything right off the bat, tell us things as they become relevant. For example, when Cheren and Bianca first show up, that would be the time to describe what their relationship is with the main character.

    She's super cute and funny.

    Show, don't tell. When Bianca shows up, let her words and actions make the "funny" point evident. Describe what about Bianca the main character finds so "super cute."

    I live in the Unova Region.
    I have always wanted to be a Poke'mon trainer.
    Xtransceiver rang. It was Professor Juniper.


    What's the Unova Region? What's a Pokemon trainer? What's a Pokemon? What's a Xtransciever? Who's Professor Juniper?
    Yes, we're at a Pokemon fansite, so obviously, we do know the answers to these questions, keyword being "we." Unfortunately, "we" are not "everyone," and in storytelling, whatever details may conceivably be foreign to people require explanation.
    For example, everyone in the world knows what a chair is, so something like that requires no description, other than maybe its color or design. However, as popular as Pokemon is, it's still only a concept that is confined to its own universe, and therefore, requires some brief explanation, so anyone reading this, Pokemon fan or otherwise, will know.

    "I need to see you in my lab for a minute ,and don't worry ,I also invited Bianca and Cheren. See you later ".

    This is more of a small nitpick, but this doesn't sound natural. Instead of saying, "I need you in my lab, and don't worry, I've also invited Bianca and Cheren. See you later," say something more along the lines of, "Hello, Sal. Can you come to my lab as soon as possible?" and have a brief conversation from there, as people don't just call, tell them to do something, and immediately hang up. Actually, since the this was done via a Xtransciever, couldn't Professor Juniper have summoned all three of them at the same time? Just a thought.

    Anyway, I hope this advise is helpful, and I'm sorry if I came off as harsh in some places. Good luck in the wide world of literature! :)
     
    #6 Valin, Mar 19, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013

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