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The Sixth Magic (Redux)

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Kalseng, Jul 13, 2009.

  1. -------------------
    Chapter One - Alicia
    The sentry alerted him of the movements only a few seconds before the door came down. Lexander's wrinkled, boney fingers pulled down his tired leather hood. He ran his fingers through his thinning hair, closing his grey eyes in concentration. He had a plan worked out, but he was still worried about Alicia. That girl had one fiery ambition in her. Once that girl had her mind set on something, nothing could deter her. Nothing except, of course, for a greater ambition. Lexander tapped the sentry on the very top of its spherical form, sending it on its way. The slate sphere floated through the air, making a gentle humming as it flew. Lexander had little time before they were here, but he was already prepared. His brown leather robes provided little protection, barely anymore than the denim jeans, sandals, and white Tee shirt he was already wearing. A silence floated over the room, putting Lexander at ease and on edge at the same time.

    He was standing in the library, waiting for the attack among his favorite books. Ancient books, new books, outdated books, books of all kinds were stacked in that room, shoved in cover-to-cover on the shelves. Three wooden columns stood in a triangular pattern in the middle of the circular room. Lexander currently had his back to the closed kitchen door, facing the large entryway and door.
    The silence perfected that room, cushioning the old, leather spines as the enemies approached. As they closed in quietly, everything was perfectly still.

    The doors burst open with a small explosion of other-worldly energy, a magic Lexander had never seen before. The first two charged through the door, each swinging a halberd. They were dressed in dark greens, in an attempt to blend into foliage. Not useful in this environment, but useful in most others. They wore a pair of thick, cloth pants over another layer of thick cloth designed to keep cold things cold and hot things hot. They wore black combat boots, appropriately named, and a thick flak jacket over long-sleeved coat-like shirts. Brownish-green gloves covered their hands and forearms to protect their hands from the halberds during mis-swings. The dark green helmets they wore shown in the light of the bulbs atop Lexander's silver chandelier. They were the most unlucky.

    Lexander threw his arm out in front of him, and four books flew from the shelves next to him. They opened in midair, pages tearing out and flying at the two of them like blades. They swung their halberds to swat them out of the air, but were met only by steel-strong pages of paper. They cut through their halberds, and dug themselves deep into the poor soldiers' shoulders. Each cried out and quickly tore the pages from their bodies, only to find them returned to their normal, flimsy state. Eight sheets had been fired, two from each book. Those two were the first to fire, and the other six didn't miss. The soldiers were dead before the heads of their halberds hit the ground.

    The next two people that walked in were clearly the leaders, told by the timing of their entrance and the way they walked. The two walked side by side, stepping with purpose. One had silver hair that hung over his eyebrows, which both framed a blue and a brown eye. His face seemed to be full of life, yet at the same time ancient and full of sorrow. Whatever his lament was, it was something intense, yet hidden by the happiness spread over his face. He was wearing a black suit with no tie and an open jacket, along with a pair of black loafers. The freshly-pressed white shirt hung on his figure well, the cuffs hidden perfectly by the sleeves. He had a gold pin on his lapel, but Lexander couldn't see it from where he was standing.

    The other was wearing some strange jester-like mask, the left half black and the right half white. A crescent turned like a smile occupied the bottom half, where the mouth would be. The right half was black, the left white. A pair of upside down crescents were where her eyes should be, making her look like she was having an amazing time. The eyes were also the inverted color of the background to show her happiness. Her hair was opposite this pattern, which was let down beneath her shoulders. She was wearing a white bridal gown, as if she had been pulled from some strange gothic wedding. The lace on the bottom tickled the hardwood floor, a vibrant, perfect white against the old colors.

    They were alone, and strode with confidence that said they didn't need them. The man flicked his hand, and each one dropped to the floor silently. They both stepped forward, but the woman was first to speak.

    "It's a shame," she began, her words flowing over the library with her sultry notes. As she turned her head to survey the field, Lexander could see that the mask wrapped all the way around her face and neck, with no breathing holes or seems. What was she? "To waste a life. That's why Samuel and I always take our corpses with us as soldiers."

    "That's right, Becca," the man said, with a playful voice. He spoke as if he knew something that nobody else did, as if he had the upper hand. "So don't worry about killing them. They're already dead." He was smiling strangely, as if this was all some kind of game. Like checkers. He wasn't analytical, as if he were playing chess. He was having fun, just like playing checkers. "Although, they don't stay dead for long."

    He threw out a hand, and the two warriors Lexander had first killed practically flew at him, bringing their legs up to make them run after they had already began moving. Both were still clutching a pole, which was previously a halberd. They silently moved at Lexander, swinging the poles hard. Lexander brought his hands up suddenly, and two books next to his feet exploded into collumns of pages, forming shields from the poles. He shot out the pages like scales, impaling the bodies again. This time, Lexander pulled the pages out from the soldiers and rammed them back into different places, trying to render them nothing more than chunks of meat and bone. The chunks of body hit the floor after only three seconds. Lexander was barely even tired. After all, alchemy was easy enough, if you had everything you needed attuned to your body.

    "You‘re pretty good for an old man," Samuel said, frowning mockingly. "Well then, I guess I'll have to play rough." Samuel flew at Lexander, and swung a something at him so fast it looked like nothing more than a flash of steel. Lexander countered with a wall of pages, wrapping his paper around his blade and pulling it from Samuel. The man went with the steel, flying over Lexander's head. And then he saw it. The steel had replaced Lexander's hand entirely, but ribbons of flesh were still wrapped around it, as spindly as they may be. Samuel flashed a smile as he swung over head, but twisted in midair and hit the wall on his feet.

    "Dealchemize," Becca said from Lexander's other side. She flicked her hand at his pages, and they quickly fluttered to the ground, useless. Lexander made a pulling gesture from the bookcase nearest to her, and they slammed into her. Hard. She flew towards the other side of the library, slamming into another bookcase. Lexander took a moment to process. Dealchemize? What spell was that? What magic family did it come from? It wasn't black magic, it wasn't seer magic, it certainly wasn't Alchemy. She didn't alter the properties, she just removed all of the magic it had absorbed.

    Samuel dropped to the floor lightly, but he didn't spend any more time there than was necessary. He sprang at Lexander, this time with his right hand pulled into a fist. His sword-arm was swinging lazily at his side, ready to be used, but not anxious to go. Suddenly, it seemed like his fist became warped all together, as if surrounded by a strange aura from an entirely different universe. Lexander brought up his paper shield, the ancient pages rising to defend their master. The fist slammed into the near-steel wall hard at first, but kept going, through the paper.

    "Dealchemize," Samuel said playfully. The fist caught Lexander right in his chest, after all the turning around he had done. He tried to lift different books and pages from the shelves, but nothing came. He couldn't even feel the alchemy in the room or any of the properties he had assigned them. Samuel brought Lexander crashing down hard onto the hardwood floors, And Lexander felt every pound of that man's body. Samuel held up his sword arm to Lexander's face, and he watched the blade receded back into his skin, and completely disappear. Not even the shape could be found in his skin. It was as if he had pulled it straight from another universe. Chords of flesh reached up from his stub where the blade used to be, and began swirling and wrapping around to form his small, slender fingers. After another second, Samuel's smile stretched further, as if signifying a great secret he was keeping from the rest of the world. His hand suddenly twitched, and then began convulsing, as if in extreme pain.

    His hand practically exploded with that dark, ethereal energy. It became some sort of demonic claw, purple in color, with long, green claws. It was almost twice the length of his normal hand, and about one and a half times as big. Lexander normally would have taken this chance to study it and try to learn what it was, but Samuel had already started digging his claw-like fingernails into Lexander's chest. Which, oddly, hurt like hell. Samuel pulled his claw back from Lexander's chest, but there was no blood on the strange, bulging object. No blood on Lexander's chest, no blood on his ripped shirt. But there was a small strand of a red-ish, string-like substance that trailed from the claws to the chest like string. Samuel got to work quickly.

    He began wrapping the string around Lexander's arms and legs, running it through the floorboards without having to break them. It was like his claw had no real substance. After that, he began tying his legs down, too. Soon, Lexander was laying spread eagle on the floor, tied to the ground by the odd strings.

    "Oh, Becca," Samuel called over his shoulder. "Would you come out, now? All of you?" Becca emerged from the bookcase, scraping off the dealchemized pages. A form dropped from the ceiling, and landed on its feet, sporting an identical white dress. As it stood and turned around, Lexander could see that it was a second Becca. And then a third emerged from the entrance door, and then a fourth from behind a column. What was this magic?

    "Pretty neat, huh?" the Becca from the pile of books asked him. She ran a finger a long the face of a nearby Becca, which didn't move or say a word. "You wouldn't think that there were this many of us, but there are." She said the last phrase like it work some kind of child's song. It was like she was taunting him. As everyone was silent, Lexander heard another, familiar set of footsteps. Alicia's.

    "But," Lexander started, trying to create noise for Alicia to walk in. "How did you two do all of this? The hand, the copies, the corpses?"

    "Oh, you want to know about that?" Becca asked. She walked over to the constrained Lexander, and bent down closely to Lexander's face. She was so close that if Lexander turned his head, he would have brushed against her mask. "The sixth magic." she whispered. "We're the only sixth magic mages on Earth. What do you think of that?"

    "King me," Samuel demanded.

    A pair of louder, more distinct footsteps echoed from outside his house. They were getting closer, and they were doing so quickly. All of the Beccas and Samuel got down on their knees, kneeling to the next person. As he walked in, Lexander felt a sense of doom and royalty, all at the same time. The man had some sort of crown fashioned on his head. It wasn't a gold one with jewels, though. It was a crown of bone. The bone came up in small horn-like protrusions, eight of them equally spaced around his head. They were bridged together by other bone c, which was long and pulled down the back of his head. He was wearing long robes that trailed behind him. They were black with red lining, and made him look extremely foreboding. The material they were made out of made it look like he was floating through the air towards Lexander's restrained body, and he seemed to be glowing with life, but at the same time, his face looked sad, full of never-ending depression.

    "Master Archadian," the Beccas and Samuel said in unison. The man had closed his eyes since he had came in, but as soon as he stood over Lexander, he opened them. They were a sickening shade of purple, one that made Lexander quake. It was like he had never seen purple before, as if that color didn't exist anywhere in any world. For the first time in a long time, Lexander was scared. The man reached out his hand, and held it over Lexander's chest, from four feet up.

    Lexander began hearing a sharp ringing, along with seeing vibrant red everywhere. Suddenly, an intense pain wracked his chest, filling his body with a blinding sensation. He couldn't think, he couldn't see straight, and that ringing almost became distant. Was he screaming? There was a muffled sound, but he couldn't hear it. It sounded like Lexander was screaming, but he couldn't even feel himself doing it. What was this.

    Samuel quickly turned towards the kitchen door, as if he heard something. As he neared it, it got louder and louder. It was a faint scribbling sound, like someone was writing on the door. Suddenly, they door exploded forward, taking Samuel down to the floor with it. A girl, no older than sixteen, ran in the room, holding a copper-turned-iron pipe. It was about three feet long, and she was holding it like a sword. Smart girl. She was wearing the typical training gear for one in the alchemy family. It was a pair of brown work pants, with black stains all over the sides and front, a white T-shirt with purple highlights to signify her level of mastery. Purple meant she was one step under a fully fledged mage. Her required armguards were strapped on tight, just like the gloves she was wearing. Her brown hair was tied up in a bandana on her head, giving her a very hard working look.

    "Master," she cried out, clutching the pole so hard her knuckles were white under the pressure. "Lexander!" She took the pipe up into a more fight-worthy position, and looked at the man with his hand over Lexander. There was some kind of purple aura streaming from his hand down until it was around Lexander's chest, like a spotlight trying to find his heart. Lexander's chest was glowing red where that aura was, and his screams blocked out any noise the spell was trying to make.

    "Alicia," He made out between screams. "Run!" He flexed his hand, and the red around his chest surged. Something of an equally red shade slammed into her, and she was sent flying through the kitchen, indestructible. He had cast that on her as he flung her, his final show of kindness towards her. She hit the back wall hard, and fell to the floor. There was a tiny door next to her, almost like a doggy-door, but bigger. It was built to ship out supplies. But more importantly, it led to the driveway, which is where she kept her motorcycle. Alicia slipped out the door, covering her ears.

    A sickening rip filled the air, and reached Becca's and Samuel's ears just as quickly as the smell of blood reached their noses. Some crystalline rock was poking out from Lexander's chest, deep red in color. That same red that was everywhere. It began tearing out of his chest hard, until it practically exploded outwards. It looked like half of a yin-yang symbol, floating between the two men. It was beautiful, and completely smooth. Even the cut was smooth. The pain was gone in his body, and Lexander could think again. Though admittedly, he could only ask unanswerable questions. The stone rose into the man's hand, and he began looking it over. He seemed fine with the object, until he turned to see the cut. His eyes turned harsh, full of anger and hate. He shouted angrily at the Beccas and at Samuel, who was still beneath a wooden door.

    "Get that girl," he said. His voice was gravelly and old, but still full of power and strength. "This bastard gave her the other half!"

    "Yes master," They all said, fanning out in every direction. They would search the house if need be.

    "As for you," the apparent master said, turning his head to face Lexander. "You're time in this world is over. Goodnight." The old man waved his arm, and Lexander felt his entire body let go. Death wrapped its cold fingers around him and pulled him under, painlessly and quickly.

    Well, now that THAT love affair is over, let's get to my comments.

    Cronstructive criticism only, you whores. D:< No flaming.

    If you want to say something good, I'll take that too.

    And the title is a working title, so deal with it. If you have a better title suggestion, then suggest the title. Otherwise don't talk about it. >>;
    #1 Kalseng, Jul 13, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. Hmm, I do like it, which is surprising to me. Normally I don't like reading fics because they just don't interest me, but this one captured my attention. It has me wanting, needing, more. That is what makes a story great for me.

    Look, there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes. However, they are not too distracting for me. For other readers, though, you may want to correct them. Have someone proof read it for you.

    It's original and exciting, I absolutely adore how the action begins right off the bat. Nice job.
  3. The spelling mistakes you have are minor, and while noticable, are not anything to be concerned about.

    This is an intriguing piece. It's not everyday someone gets killed off in the first chapter (well...) in such a spectacular manner. You certainly know how to do your descriptions well. The idea of mixing magic and technology is nice, I'm guessing it works because not all have access to magic? (Why invent a match when you can just click your fingers, sort of thing.)
  4. --------------
    Chapter 2 - David

    The monastery was almost perfectly still, the only noise being the faint chiming of bells. A nun was kneeling down in front of an altar quietly, praying to whatever being existed out there to save them. To save them all. Madison had called them all recently, telling them exactly what was going to happen. To whom, what day, and how. Sarah combed back her hair, trying to straighten the frizzy locks. She had been worried, and as such her hair had started disobeying any commands she gave it. Her white gown looked strange in the church, and the outfit beneath it itched even more. Probably because of the gown. Unfortunately, she knew her clothes were the least of her worries.

    Sarah had a thin frame, but it was tall. Her bones were deceivingly sturdy, after years of boosts and milk. Sarah still convinced the children, and David, that it was the milk that made them strong, and not the boosts. She was wearing her white ribbon today, holding her hair back. She was worried about David's plan, though it was extremely intelligent. These emotions shown through in her blue eyes, distant and worried today. If the enemies were as foolish as they thought, they should withdraw, or give David the opportunity to escape. They had both come to terms with Sarah's death, after much protesting from David.

    The basement's doors opened, and a sad looking black-haired teen emerged, carrying the spell tags. There were two, one for each of them. David wandered over, kneeling down with Sarah. He handed her a tag, and took his own, slipping it under his shirt, where it quickly stuck to his chest. Sarah slipped hers down her under-suit, and it stuck fast. David was wearing clothes that were entirely battle-worthy. He was wearing a pair of black sneakers, a pair of jeans, and a leather vest over his white T-shirt. David's deep brown eyes managed to look happy still, through all of the darkness they both knew were coming.

    "Ready, David?" Sarah asked. Her voice was shaking, to match her confidence. They both looked about the same age, give or take a few years, so it was anyone's guess as to who the master was if they didn't know the pair.

    "Yes, Master," David replied solemnly with a nod. "Light guide us." He said, putting a fist over his heart.

    "Light guide us." Sarah said, mimicking the gesture.

    "Hey," a voice called from behind the monastery's doors. "We're coming in." The large doors blew open, sending the feeble lock skidding across the stone floor. The grating sound died out quickly, and the two figures came into light. Samuel and Becca took slow steps towards the two white mages, Samuel smiling confidently.

    "Which one of the you is the master?" Becca asked, cocking her head to the side.

    "It's a puzzle," David replied, copying Samuel's smile.

    "Oooh!" Becca said happily. She grabbed the edges of her dress and happily turned left and right, spinning her dress. "A puzzle! Samuel, it's a puzzle, they said!"

    "Ha," Samuel scoffed. "Well then, let's play. I'll take the boy. You take the girl."

    "Okay," Becca said, her voice much more grim. She unbuttoned her dress's top, and pulled it apart, revealing another white shirt underneath, but what was more interesting was the various bags she had strapped to the inside. A few were even squirming. They didn't look magical, but David wasn't a seer, so it was all up to guesswork.

    Samuel seemed to fly at David, with no notable push off. David put his hands up to Sarah's, who was already prepared, and they pushed off, flying in either direction. David spun in midair, ready to land his legs on the wall behind him. Samuel made some motion with his hand, and David heard the sound of crumbling brick. Samuel had rapidly aged the brick, forcing it to disintegrate, and creating a lovely hole He began gesturing behind him rather violently, trying to search his brain for the right spell.

    The monastery itself was surrounded by packed earth, with only one trail leading from it to the highway. The only vehicles there were Sarah's silver car and David's mountain bike, which had been leaning against the building for months now. The sun hung close to the horizon, making it about five in the afternoon. Almost dinnertime. There were a few trees closer to the highway, but none as far out as they were. Which was a good half a kilometer.

    "Feather," David said hastily. Suddenly, his entire body felt funny, as if he had just inhaled a bunch of helium. He gently floated to the ground, feet first. Samuel followed him out of the hole, and ran at him, full speed. "Weight!" David shouted, throwing a hand out at Samuel. Samuel gave him a questioning glance, and suddenly felt the spell working. His face flashed to shock, and he fell to the ground instantly, cracking the packed earth. Samuel got up after a moment of hesitation, looking almost unaffected by the attack.

    "Admittedly," Samuel said, nodding at David. "I didn't see that one coming. But it's really no problem." Samuel flashed a playful smile, and charged at David again. David slammed his hands on the ground, and called out another spell, trying to think on his feet.

    "Float," he said quickly. The upper layer of dust and silt on the ground flew up in the air, obstructing Samuel's view, but more importantly, revealing David's white, metal rod, which he had buried under the dust earlier that morning, in preparation for this fight. The rod was about as tall as David was, and was capped on either end with steel. It was a rod that was built for combat. He grabbed it quickly, and placed a hand on it. "Feather, Strength, Aerodynamics!" He called. Before Samuel knew what was going on, David was under him. The staff was pulled to his side, and was parallel to the ground. David stood up quickly, and rammed the light rod into Samuel's stomach. The rod was light, but it was strong and now cutting through the air like it wasn't even there.

    "Why you," Samuel said, grunting. He grabbed the rod‘s capped end, which was currently between one of his broken ribs, and began channeling his energy into it. "Disintegrate." The rod suddenly began vanishing, as if being eaten at by termites. Really hungry, hyper-active, metal-eating termites. David dropped it, and Samuel fell with it. Samuel caught himself with his legs, and kicked off. He knocked the staff out of its spot, and summoned up a sword again. The steel emerged from the middle of his hand, and the fingers and palm began twisting and contorting around the blade to create a more stable hilt.

    "What is-" David was cut off by a sharp pain in his arm. Samuel had teleported over to David's side and grabbed his arm, crushing it without shattering the bone just yet. David screamed out in pain, and fell to his knees.

    "Heal my ribs," Samuel demanded, his smile fading, and his face turning to a look of solemnity. "Or I crush your arm." David shook his head, and Samuel squeezed harder, evoking another cry of pain. "Now."

    "Okay," David said, lifting his other arm. He held it to Samuel's side, and began channeling the magic. "Ray!" He shouted. A beam of white hot light shot out of his palm, and sent a furious Samuel soaring in the other direction. David stood back up, and flexed his arm, surprised it didn't go with Samuel. "Lasso!" he screamed while he checked his arm. Samuel stopped in midair and was yanked back at David. "Strengthen!" He shouted. His left arm began glowing fiercely, and he brought that over his head, right towards where Samuel's face would be. Samuel complied with David's plan completely. The man went slamming into the ground, but he had a plan in case that happened.

    "Dark," Samuel coughed. A blast of shadow energy erupted where David's fist was, and sent him flying into the air. He landed softly, feather still in effect. That didn't make the blast of energy any easier, however. David rolled onto his side, clutching his burnt skin. "Get up." Samuel said, kicking David's back. "Come on." Samuel grabbed hold of his arm and lifted him up, pulling him to his feet. David coughed, a few droplets of blood splattering on his shirt. "Heal yourself." David held his hand over the wound, channeling energy into it.

    "Lesser Heal," he managed out between gasps. The wound began to seal up, the burnt flesh disappearing all together. Samuel lowered him to the ground and propped him up on his feet.

    "You don't have the stone," Samuel said. "Nice try, though."

    "How did-" David started, but he was cut off.

    "Your Mirage Transfer tag is showing," Samuel pointed at the small section of the tag that was showing under the destroyed shirt. The tag was designed to temporarily trade the magic skill of whoever the two corresponding tags were on, making it harder to decide who had the real stone. The original plan was to get both of them on top of David, and then for him to tear off the tags, showing that Sarah had the real stone.

    "Tear it off, then?" David asked.

    Samuel reached down with his human hand, and tore off the tag. A white burst of energy emerged from his chest, signifying the return of his energy. It wasn't much more powerful than a flashlight. Samuel smiled, and flicked his bladed arm back at the monastery.

    "She's the master, then?" Samuel asked with a smile.

    "Yeah. And she's probably not too happy."

    As if on cue, the entire monastery surged with light as the walls exploded outwards. Sarah was in the middle, winds tearing aroudn her form. She had her palms turned towards Becca, who was currently swinging her arms up to defend against the various knives and bits of rock flying at her. The giant pews and rock columns she had to avoid weren't helping her either. A particularly long one was picked up by Sarah, as signified by a hand following its movements perfectly, and lobbed at her. Becca spun in mid air, and hit the top lightly with her feet. She kicked it downwards, sending it into a vertical spiral. With a bit of fancy footwork, she stopped it so that it aimed at Sarah, and began running down the long pillar.

    "She's good," Samuel said.

    "Becca's not too shabby herself," David replied.

    "She might actually win."


    "Becca cheats."

    Becca had pounced towards Sarah, but she had literally pulled up the ground with her hands, and created a barrier. The objects were flying with a combination of spells. Control, Flight, Feather, and probably some buffs on herself and the objects to keep them strong. David's eyes flicked to Samuel, who was now completely turned to face the battle. David barely spoke under his breath, trying to make sure Samuel didn't hear him.

    "Mute," He whispered. Nothing he did made a sound anymore. Just what he needed. "Invisible." David suddenly faded from view, and made a tip-toe movement towards the Monastery, trying to stay out of of Samuel's range of view. He tried to approach the field, but Sarah's wind started to reach him, pushing back on him. Swirl was actually Sarah's own technique, one of her many, many entries into the arsenal of White Magic around the world. It spun objects in circles, or in this case, the wind itself. Becca finally came in close to Sarah, and ducked below a flying pew. She dodged around the rocks Sarah swung at her, and then grabbed her wrists. Four replicas of Becca came out from behind rocks, fallen pillars, piles of rubble, and grabbed Sarah, pulling her down. The wind stopped, every in-air object fell, and all the Beccas began laughing at the same time. It was like they were giggling, like a girl would giggle to other girls after a cute boy asked them out. And it creeped him out. It really did.

    Sarah had told her that he shouldn't try and save her if it looked too grim. She had left the keys in the Sedan, just in case David needed to escape on something faster than the bike.

    But he wouldn't leave her behind. Sarah was his only family. No more turning and running. David canceled out Mute and Invisible, and began restraining Samuel with a slur of five weight spells. Samuel fell to the ground hard, his blade arm unexpectedly piercing the ground beneath him and wedging him in deep.

    "Sarah!" David shouted. Sarah pushed and pulled at the Beccas, trying to force them out of her way. An eye peeked out when David was only fifty feet away, and she splayed out her palm. Something blue hit him in the chest, and a loud voice rang in his ears. It was like Sarah's, only more pure and refined.


    David didn't need to be told twice. He split for the car, and saw some strange, purple manifestation of darkness form in front of where the monastary door would be. It exploded into a figure, one that was tall and slender, with a strange bone crown decorating his hair. The man didn't seem to notice David, and stepped onto the tile floor that remained.

    The Beccas all spoke at once.

    "Master Archadian," They said. David had already hit the Sedan by then. He had ran like hell, but managed to keep quiet footsteps due to the non-canceled feather spell still in place. The Sedan faced the highway, so David skid to a stop in front of the driver door and opened it. He closed the door and turned the keys in the ignition. Moments after the engine first turned, he heard a sickening rip and a terrifying scream from Becca.

    David peeled out onto the highway, tears streaming down his face.

    You should have gone back, a voice in his mind said. She's dead now, and it's all your fault. What will you do now? Run more? Davids own thoughts betrayed him. He reached into his pockets, and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He unfolded it on the steering wheel and scanned the address.

    432, Spring Street Oakdale.

    Easy enough to remember. If that's where Madison said to go, that's where David was headed.
    #4 Kalseng, Jul 15, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  5. Keep it as is, I like being able to guess as to what happened to Becca and/or Sarah.

    That was very interesting. I'm reminded a little of the FMA series, but I would guess that that's not what you're going for :) Tis a compliment, because I greatly enjoyed the series.

    You're a killer? No more than the rest of use. I personally believe you can judge how much an author loves their character by how much torture they put them through.
  6. I just submitted a different Chapter One. It's been reduced and Becca has a different description. Some actions are mildly different, but not very much so.

    Chapter Two will be redone as well, and the changes will be much more significant this time around. This was a mixture of the fact that I didn't like how I wrote the first and second chapters, and the ammount of "Tl;dr" comments I got. It's a lame excuse to not read something, and I'd really like more people to read this. I'm trying to eliminate excuses like that.

    Also, tl;dr means Too Long; Didn't Read. Lame, I know.
  7. If I'd actually thought about it, I would have re-read chapter one before you posted the revised version. It does seem to flow better in certain places, and I'm fairly sure Becca's mask has changed, it sounds quite interesting now, more so than usual. There are a few errors I can see (a random 'c' is interjected up there, can't guess at where it came from), but nothing major, again. I can't really say much more, other than it's still awesome :)

    Also TL;DR is a lame excuse and you should beat anyone who gives it.
  8. I already told you this, but I'm really please with the flow of the new first chapter :}
    The alterations made to Becca was also a real nice change of pace, and she's got a really balanced quality about her now which makes a nice addition to the story as she is a significantly weighty character :V
    However, even after re-reading the second chapter, I still really like the fight scene between David and Samuel and am not so sure that it needs a lot of revision, if any ' 3'
    The description isn't completely overwhelming, but conveys the scene really well, so I'm interested to see just what it is you're going to change about it
  9. So, yeah, I finally decided to put up the revisions to Chapter Two. When I said that they'd be accompanied by Chapter Three, I didn't actually mean that. I swear to god I'm planning it out right now. Which means the rough draft will be done before dinner.

    And after some revisions, it'll be up just a little after dinner.
  10. Psycho Monkey

    Psycho Monkey Member of the Literary Elite Four

    Just kidding! ;)

    That was amazing Kal! It's about time I sat down and read this whole thing, and what a treat! You've really portrayed this world well and I have a feeling that by Chapter 6 the former apprentices will get together to avenge their masters.

    Don't keep us waiting too long for Chapter 3.
  11. I already told you how much I liked the Sarah vs. Becca scene that you added heeeere, and I really did enjoy that :V
    I also really liked how you made the spell tags a constant factor by introducing them in the very beginning as opposed to surprising us with it during the clash between David and Samuel :V
    The new conclusion was really good too, since it gives poor David direction instead of leaving him hanging, poor guy :B

    Looking forward to chapter three, of course, so don't keep us in the dark for too long you booyyyy :}
  12. You know, I would have thought that by now, those two would have figured out that the things they needed were being shared around. That looks, at least, like what happened between David and Sarah.

    That was a good fight scene, it worked a lot better than the previous version, and tended to make more sense. David isn't let go seemingly at random, but rather sneaks out after a failed attempt at rescue. Still, your big bad guy has suckish spacial awareness XD
  13. --------------
    Chapter 3 - Tristan

    The dense forest provided ample cover for Tristan, who was nestled in a makeshift perch, which was really just a branch he coaxed the tree into growing. It was sturdy enough to hold him, and it was small enough to remain unnoticed. He brushed back one of his renegade locks of brown hair, trying to get a better view of the forest floor. The plan was to wait for them to walk by, and then spring the earth trap. Devin was waiting in the wings, doing his final meditation.

    Tristan placed a hand on the tree trunk and whispered a solemn prayer to the earth. The light that filtered through the leaves playfully danced over Tristan's bronze skin, accenting his bright blue eyes. He had slept for ten hours last night, giving his toned muscles a good rest. He didn't wear a shirt that day, nor did he wear shoes. He was wearing a pair of loose brown pants, modeled after his mentor.

    "High there," Samuel said, now face to face with Tristan. His legs were bent with knees jutting out towards Tristan, his hands casually slipped into his pockets. Tristan leaned backwards, so that he was falling off the branch. He swung his feet up as he dropped and bent them over the branch. He punched the air to his right, below where Samuel was hunched over. A large branch shot out from the tree and caught Samuel directly in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him and sending him plummeting to the ground.

    The coattails of his jacket barely even graced the ground, but the trap went off. Two large, flat, sections of earth dislodged themselves from the earth and came flying up to meet Samuel's falling body. Samuel shot his hands out and stopped them both mid-swing. The area around his hands snapped, and the top halves fell down towards him. Samuel delivered a powerful kick, and the sections split again, sending them down to the earth.

    "You know," Samuel practically sang. "Most people say hello after a greeting." He swung his legs down and landed gracefully on the floor. "But then again, a couple of hermits like you wouldn't know that."

    Tirstan dropped one of his legs and kicked towards Samuel. A jet of flame shot from his foot, tearing through the air. The jet wasn't much larger than a soda can at the beginning, and grew to the size of your average car at the end. Samuel threw up his left arm and the flesh on his forearm splayed out, revealing bare bone. A large, metallic disk sprouted from the center and spread out, chords of flesh wrapping around the edges. The flame hit the shield and flew out in all directions, curving off of the ground.

    Becca ran behind Tristan's hanging body and opened her blouse. She reached into one of the pockets and pulled out a red capsule, about the size of an egg. With a flick of her wrist, the capsule exploded and sent out a red net. It wrapped around Tristan and began glowing a fierce green.

    "Nice one, Becca," Samuel said, putting his hands together in small applause.

    "Thanks, Samuel," Becca said, a little giggle in her voice. Devin dropped from the foliage above, water spinning around him like a band saw around its wheel. Samuel backflipped out of the way of the water saw, Becca taking three calculated steps backwards. Devin was spinning himself, and hit the ground at an angle. An arm shot out, making him look something like a top. As the water hit the earth, three square sections spun out of the ground, one right after the other, aimed at Becca. The first missed, but the second took out her left leg. The third slammed into her mask, knocking her backwards.

    Samuel transformed his right arm into a blade, and ran at the spinning top that was the Elemental master. The water saw stopped spinning all together as Samuel approached, and formed a mass of water where his blade swung down. As it hit the water shield, the shield itself froze over and hung in midair. The blade slammed down hard, splintering off a few shards of ice. Devin slammed a hand into the ground and used his momentum to sweep out Samuel's leg with a roundhouse kick.

    Devin finally came to a stop, and his body held position long enough for the two mages to get a look at him. His white hair, tied in a ponytail, continued spinning behind him. He was built tall and muscular, with large muscles. For an old man, he looked pretty good. The man had piercing amber eyes that were rich and golden like honey, which he claimed were "Gifts from mother earth." He wore the same thing Devin wore, only he wore it much better than the teen.

    Devin punched towards Tristan, and the ice shield turned into a spinning disk of water once again. The disk sliced open the net and freed Tristan, who emerged panting and slightly fatigued. Whatever that thing was, it was pulling Tristan's energy right out of him. Then the two other mages hit the ground. Becca pulled off a neat handstand, her dress somehow holding its tented shape. She revealed a pair of white stockings and some rather fancy shoes with gold buckles.

    Becca began spinning around on one hand, and her feet became a tornado of pain. Tristan pushed his fists in toward his chest and stopped them a centimeter from each other, stopping the air around Becca and effectively freezing her in place. He then redid his stance and brought his open palms up. The tree roots that had weaved themselves underground surfaced and wrapped around Becca's appendages. They than slammed her down onto the ground, leaving her defenseless.

    Samuel darted under the old man's right jab and sprinted towards Becca. He slammed into Tristan with his shield and knocked him to the hard ground. His other arm slipped down and sliced the roots as he flew, freeing Becca.

    "Hello," Tristan struggled out. He kicked one leg up in the air, and a plume of flame followed under the arches of his feet. It kept going in a circular pattern after Tristan's foot stopped, and Samuel arched himself backwards. Tristan tucked his knees up to his chest and placed his feet on Samuel's chest. Tristan kicked off hard, and Samuel flew up into the air, right through the dense leaves. Tristan rolled to the right and bolted up, running at the now standing Becca.

    But she was faster. Becca reached under her blouse and retrieved two throwing knives, which she expertly tossed and lodged one in Tristan's thigh. He fell to the ground, and accidentally caught the blade on something, wrenching it around in the wound. Tristan let a scream of pain out, and Becca felt powerful arms pull under hers and lock behind her head. Devin peeked his head over her neck and smiled.

    "What's a lovely lady like you doing with all of these dangerous weapons?" Devin asked. When Becca didn't answer with anything but flailing and writhing, Devin bent over backwards with incredible speed. The old man was limber for his years. Becca's head slammed into the ground, stunning her. Samuel then fell through the leaves above them, blade first. Earth had risen from the ground to his right and left, but Samuel's blade was faster.

    The sickening sound of Metal piercing flesh filled Tristan's ears. Devin didn't cry out or struggle, but the earth had changed its course. The rock then aimed at Samuel, and slammed into his abdomen. Tristan heard at least three separate bone breaks. Samuel flew back, and Devin released his grip on Becca. She fell forwards and stood up immediately, facing the now standing Devin's uninjured back. That wouldn't last long.

    Becca threw out two ropes from under her blouse, and they wrapped around Devin's throat and waist. She pulled him down, and Samuel skidded to a stop in front of Tristan's face. Samuel suddenly looked extremely irritated. The blade on his right arm shifted and elongated, becoming a thinner, more katana-like blade. And then his left arm's hand began shifting. The flesh peeled back, a slender blade stretching from the deformed flesh. It then wrapped around itself, becoming a second blade all together. Devin was pulled down even further by Becca's ropes, and Samuel had a blade pressed against his throat. Devin knew he was beaten. He threw out a green wave of energy, and Tristan was slammed into by the pulsation. He felt the warmth wash over him and fill his chest, providing him with energy. Tristan had the upper hand.

    Tristan punched towards Samuel, sending out a jet of flame twice as large as the last flame. Samuel casually threw back his left arm and diverted the flames. Tristan wasn't a fan of this concept. He brought his arms back, and felt around for pebbles with his mind. When he had found enough, he punched forward and let them fly.

    Of course, Tristan had reached out for easily controllable rocks, which, to him, were pebbles. But rocks the size of footballs and laptops were soaring at Samuel, who had to turn and actively block the rocks that flew at him. Tristan was more powerful now. Much more. Although, he had just made potentially the most deadly and bloodthirsty man in the forest very very angry. Tristan had a fair idea of when he was outclassed. Tristan turned towards the thick trees and began running, breaking for the forest edge. He gave the moss around him a glance. It actually pointed south, and it was pointing the direction he was going. Tristan was running correctly, then. Which was good. The city he was aimed for was south of the forest. Maddison had filled them in earlier, and Tristan had his role to play. A depressing, cowardly role, but it was his role and he'd play it as best he could.

    Thanks to Belle, my loooooooooovely proofreader, and thanks to all my comments.
  14. Ow, ow, ow. Getting hit in the leg hurts enough as is, but then to pull it around in the wound a bit? Be ye mad?

    The fighting seems to get a tad confused, but then that's possibly my own problems of being able to follow action. I am guessing that soon you'll have them all join together to try not to die. You certainly are good at descibing people, their personalities and their goals. Becca especially, seems ever so slightly more insane every time.

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