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The road to revenge

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Merata, Oct 27, 2008.

  1. [size=14pt]~{The road to revenge}~[/size]​

    Now onto the real deal, enjoy ;D !

    Prologue ~ Strangers on the ranch

    It was early in the morning, the sun had appeared over the horizon a few minutes earlier. There was a chilly breeze in the air, carrying flocks of Pidgey, and Pidgeotto with it. A couple of the flocks were stirred by a duo of pokemon trainers who flew on the backs of their Pokemon over Viridian City. They were heading towards a small ranch, which lay about twenty-five miles southwest of the city. One of the trainers, a boy around seventeen years old, stood up, and scouted the area if he could see the ranch.

    "Ah!" he said.

    "Do you see anything Jack?" the other trainer asked.

    "Yes, Mark. I can see the farm now." Jack responded.

    "Good," Mark laid down on the back of his Pokemon, staring into the sky. "Just remember that the bastard is mine, got it."

    "Jeez, why do you get all the fun?" Jack said, his voice filled with disappointed.

    "Don't whine. You got to fight the last one," Mark replied, showing a hint of irritation.

    Mark stroke his hand through his short blonde hair, as he felt the chilly breeze flowing through his loose dark brown leather jacket. His, slightly brighter, brown shirt gently waved with the wind. He put his hands in his black jeans, and continued staring up into the sky. After a couple of minutes his glance moved from the sky to Jack. For some unknown reason, Jack wore the same clothes. He even wore the same brown hiking shoes as Mark. The only difference about Mark and Jack, was Jack's height, Jack was slightly shorter then Mark.

    "Prepare to land, we're almost there." Jack said to his friend, as he sat down on his Pokemon.

    Mark just nodded and sat up, patting his Salamence on his turquoise coloured shoulder, pointing at the farm signalling that he had to land there.

    * * * * *

    Shane and his dad were working out on the fields, as it was the time to harvest their crops. They started their work a couple hours ago, to get the most work done before the sun would rise. Shane wiped his hands on his white ragged shirt, and turned to his father.

    "Old man, we almost done? The sun is rising, and my stomach is refusing to work until it gets something to eat." Shane said, as his stomach made some growling sounds.

    "Okay son, go ahead, and prepare breakfast. I'll join you as soon when I'm done here." Shane's dad replied.

    With that Shane ran to his house to prepare the breakfast. He baked couple of berries, and made some toast. Just when he was done his dad walked in and sat at the table in the kitchen. Shane placed the toasts and berries on two plaits, for him, and his dad to eat. They had a small conversation about how long the harvest season was this year. Their conversation was disturbed by a knock on the door.

    "Anybody home!" a strange voice shouted.

    Another knock on the door

    "Just a moment, I'm coming." Shane's dad said, while walking to the door.

    "This is taking to long! Kicker, you know what to do!" The voice commanded with anger.

    Just before Shane's dad could open the door it got bashed open by something, leaving the door in pieces. In the doorway were now standing two teenagers and a Hitmonlee, who, was probably the one who bashed the door by using it's strong legs. Behind them were two big Pokemon, one stood, and was used it's sharp beak to clean it's wings, which were almost blinding in the bright morning sun. The other Pokemon like a big dragon, and laid on the ground with it's large red wings folded over it's body.

    "Are you Sander Johnson?" the boy with short blonde hair asked, while pointing at Shane's dad.

    "Who wants to know?" he replied coldly.

    "Stubborn old man, Kicker your turn." The boy said without hesitation.

    The Hitmonlee obeyed it's trainer, and sprinted forward to the old man. Before the old man could react the Hitmonlee kicked him in the guts with such force that he flew back a few feet.

    "Now tell me are you Sander Johnson, or not?" the boy asked agitated.

    "Y... ye... yes," Sander said through his teeth.

    "I challenge you to a Pokemon battle," The boy said, while signalling his Hitmonlee to return to his side.

    "Ridiculous, I've stopped training Pokemon decades ago." The old man said while trying to stand up.

    "Let me explain it better then. If you don't accept my challenge I'll destroy this farm and it's fields." He explained impatiently.

    "I guess I have no choice then. I will battle you." Sander said worried, knowing this was his first battle since almost twenty-five years.

    * * * * *

    Shane watched the scene unfold, being completely frozen by fear. This was the first time the thirteen year old boy had seen his dad being attacked by Pokemon trainers. Heck, he didn't even know his dad used to train Pokemon. Still standing on the same spot, at the kitchen counter, he saw the two boys walking from the doorway. His dad followed, after he had let out a high pitched whistle.

    "We'll do this one on one, old man," the blonde haired boy said as took his place opposite to the old man.

    The old man stood there waiting. He had no Pokemon from the time he was a trainer, he had befriended a wild one recently. The boy standing opposite to held out a Pokeball with a rather unusual pattern, a green cameo pattern on the topside and just plain white on the bottom.

    "Go Brutus!" the boy shouted as he let his Pokemon out of it's Pokeball.

    A white beam of energy shot out of the Pokeball as it opened, the energy took shape, and the Pokemon materialised. In front of the boy stood a big blue beetle-like creature, on his head, where normally a nose is, was a long blue horn. The Pokemon's eyes were positioned next to where the horn began, from his eyes went two antenna's.

    "That's a Heracross, isn't it?" he his opponent truly interested.

    "Yes, now send out your Pokemon, old geezer," The blonde boy replied impatiently.

    Just as the boy finished his sentence a wild Pokemon jumped in front of Sander, it stood 6'01" tall. It's white mane, and tail stood in contrast with it's fiery red body and black stripes. The wild Pokemon growled and barked, intimidating it's opponent.

    "I don't have any pokemon, but you wouldn't mind if I used this one, would you?" Sander asked with a smirk on his face.

    The boy couldn't see the smirk on his face, but could hear the arrogance in Sander's voice.

    "Don't be so cocky old man. Any trainer should know that type match-ups can be overcome easily," the boy snapped at the old man.

    "Let's see how you deal with this, Arcanine use your Flamethrower on that Heracross." Sander commanded the Arcanine

    The Arcanine opened it's mouth, and prepared itself to use it's attack on the opponent. A couple of small flames developed in the open mouth of the Arcanine, not long after that the Arcanine fired a jet of red hot flames at the opponent.

    "Brutus, use your Protect." The boy smirked. The Heracross protected itself just before the flames hit him.

    A protective barrier prevented the flames from hitting the Pokemon. The boy chuckled, as the attack had caused no harm on his Pokemon.

    "Brutus strike back with your Aerial Ace," the boy commanded.

    The beetle Pokemon revealed his wings on his back, and then flew up in the sky, preparing for his attack. The Pokemon made a loop in the sky, and picked up speed to execute his attack. Before Sander or the Arcanine could react, the beetle Pokemon had hit Arcanine dead on, throwing his opponent a few feet back. The boy complimented his Pokemon on a job well done. The Arcanine couldn't stand up, as it had a big gash in his right front leg where the horn had hit it.

    "You okay?" Sander asked as he rushed to the wounded Pokemon.

    "Mark, someone is coming." the friend of the blonde boy warned, while pointing up into the sky.

    "Take care of it, Jack, I'll finish this, and when that's done we'll leave." Mark walked to Sander, who was still leaning over the Arcanine.

    "Okay," jack turned to his Pokemon. "Silverwing take out that Pidgeot and it's trainer," he commanded the Skarmory.

    The Skarmory, who was still cleaning his wings, did as his trainer commanded. With a few beats of his wings the pokemon flew into the sky, his wings glowing brightly. He screeched as he closed in on the Pidgeot, and it's trainer. Without warning he struck the two, the trainer fell off the Pidgeot and fell down, crashing through the tree, and hit the ground hard. The Pidgeot regained control to late, and could only fly down, landing next to it's trainer.

    "I guess she's done for," Skarmory's trainer said.

    She?! Sander realised who it was, but he couldn't believe it. His wife Laurie would come home today, and she had a Pidgeot. It must be coincidence, he thought, trying to comfort himself.

    "It's over old mad, you've lost this battle." Mark smirked, he turned to his friend. "Let's get going, before someone else sees us." he said to his friend

    * * * * *

    Jack nodded, and called back his Skarmory. Mark recalled his Heracross, and climbed on his Salamence. Both of them left on their Pokemon. Sander thought for a moment, what should he do? When he knew what to do, he called his son. Quickly his son ran to his dad and the Arcanine.

    "Shane, do you remember how to treat pokemon when they're wounded?" he asked.

    "Um... yes," Shane answered doubtful.

    "Okay then, take care of this Arcanine. I'll go to the woman that fell from her Pokemon. When you're done with the Pokemon call the police." Sander said.

    Sander stood up and ran to the place where the woman should have landed. Shane went back in the house in search of bandages, and medicine. He treated the wound quickly, and hastened to call the police. A couple of minutes after, he called the police his dad returned with the woman in his dad's arms. Something was wrong, very wrong, suddenly he realised what it was. The woman in his father's arms was his mother, and she was unconscious. There was blood dripping from her ear, and her limbs seemed lifeless.

    "Son," Sander stuttered, letting a tear escape from his right eye. "It's Laurie... she's dead, the fall.. it killed her. He killed her."

    The tear fell from his chin on the ground, and was soon followed by more tears. He let himself fell on his knees, putting the body from his wife gently on the ground. Shane just stood there, disbelief, sadness, and anger clouding his mind. His hand formed a fist, and tears fell from his face.

    "You want revenge, don't you?" Sander asked his son.

    "Off course, they..." Shane paused for a moment. "He killed my mother."

    "You forget they are strong trainers, and you don't have any Pokemon." Shane's dad said.

    "I will find a way dad, I will avenge my mother's death," Shane said with anger and determination.

    Shane's dad stood up, and walked to the Arcanine still lying where it was left. He seemed to ask something, and the Arcanine barked in response. Within a few minutes a small group of wild, and young Growlithe appeared from the bushes. The small red pups, playfully ran to their parent. Shane's dad patted the Arcanine on it's head, and then walked back to his son.

    "The only way to get your revenge is to become a strong Pokemon trainer, that's where they come in." Shane's dad said as he pointed at the Growlithe. "You see this girl here," he pointed at the Arcanine. "She is the mother of these pups, and like her they are pretty strong. They are strong enough to fight, and protect others," he said

    "So you're saying I can pick one?" Shane didn't believe it.

    "Yes, and she agrees with it. Besides they are about to leave their mother," Shane's dad statement was underlined by a bark from the Arcanine.

    "But dad, how, why?" Shane stuttered.

    "Look, to put it short, she, and I have been friends since a couple of months ago. I helped her to protect her family. She doesn't completely trust me though, but I do think she understands the situation," Shane's dad explained.

    Shane calmed down slightly, and walked to the Arcanine.

    "Are you sure I can take one of your children on my journey?" he asked.

    She barked, and wagged her tail.

    "I guess that's a yes," he said, and a small smile appeared on his face.

    "Here take this, it should help," His dad offered him a spherical device.

    Shane looked at the device, it's red top, and a small white button in the middle. He took the device and picked one of the pups, as his dad silently entered the house. He played with his new friend, and didn't notice his dad walking inside.

    "Son, I think you'll need this too," Shane's dad said

    Shane looked around startled, and almost attacked his dad, still in the shock of the recent events.

    "Whoa kid, take it easy it's just me." his dad said

    "Sorry dad," he quickly said.

    His dad walked to him, and put a backpack on his shoulders. The hands of his dad rested on his shoulders.

    "Son, become strong, and never give up if you really want to go through with this." Shane's dad seriously said, as he looked into his son's eyes. "Become strong," he repeated.

    "I will dad," That' was all Shane could say.

    With his last words said, he left. Shane ran into the woods, and ran towards Viridian City.

    * * * * *

    "Are you going to call your last Pokemon into battle or not," an old woman, standing to the opposite of Shane, said.

    This sentence brought him back to to the moment, he opened his eyes and picked a regular Pokeball from his belt.

    Now it's up to you, he thought. He raised his head, words racing through his mind like mad man, become stronger, I will dad, I will avenge my mother's death.

    "It's all up to you now girl! Go get them Athena!" Shane shouted full of confidence.

    He threw the Pokeball up in the air, to let the Pokemon out. In mid-air, it opened, and white energy shot out. The light took shape, and vanished, revealing the Pokemon. In front of Shane stood a big, strong, and proud female Arcanine.

    "I have to be strong, for my dad, for my mom. I just can not give up, not now." He silently said to himself, before returning his focus to the battle at hand.

    [size=12pt]To be continued...[/size]​

    I almost forgot, my thanks to Blue Angel from the pokecommunity, who beta'd this chapter
    #1 Merata, Oct 27, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. Good stuff, good stuff! Very nice, dramatic beginning. I want to read more. But, inevitably, I have a few nitpicks. And here they are:

    (1) "Patting his Salamence on his turquoise coloured shoulder"... I don't know. Saying that a Salamence has shoulders kind of unnerves me in the same way that saying that a dog has shoulders would. It's such a human concept -- I don't think I've ever heard the word used when describing the anatomy of any animal except other primates. Maybe choose a body part more appropriate to the build of a quadrupedal dragon. "Patting his Salamence on his turquoise neck" or some such, you know. Salamence does have an awful lot of neck. (You'll notice I also dropped "coloured" in that suggestion, an omission about which I have nothing more lucid to say than that "turquoise coloured" is redundant.)

    (2) "Its" versus "it's". I know the day will never come when the latter stops getting all up in the former's business, but we can at least do what we can to preserve the distinction. Bear that in mind and have another look at the paragraph starting with "Just before Shane's dad could open the door" (and keep an eye out for the same error throughout the rest of the chapter).

    (3) "Where normally a nose is" -- you may as well leave that out since you've already established the Pokemon is an insect and it would not be normal to see an insect with a nose. Just say "a big blue beetle-like creature with a long horn on his head" or something along those lines.

    (4) Maybe this is just me, a jaded ol' critic talking, but I've grown extremely wary (and weary) of the word "smirk". It's such a common action for cocksure heroes and arrogant villains alike that it's turned into a cliche. Do you know what's more intimidating than a villain smirking? A villain smiling. Think about it as you review the four instances of the word "smirk" in this chapter.

    (5) Use the name "Sander" more often than "Shane's dad", it grounds him better as a character instead of just an extension of Shane's identity. Guy's wife dies and all of a sudden you stop using his first name altogether. How do you think he would feel about that?

    Bear those in mind if you go back and revise the first chapter -- and also just generally watch for tiny spelling and grammar mistakes -- and you'll have a professional-level fanfic. If that isn't an oxymoron.
  3. Yoshimitsu

    Former Moderator

    Hey Pohatu, is it nice to have a vast array of fics which you can comment on? Bit of a change from the Exodus, amirite?
  4. Rather! I might even be tempted to post some fiction here myself.

    At the risk of going off-topic, though:

    (6) Better not write that the Arcanine stood 6'1" tall. Such specific measurements have no place in prose unless the observer is some kind of super measurement robot. It's just distracting and reminds the reader that here the author went to Bulbapedia to look up how tall an Arcanine is (okay, the measurement they give is 6'3", but you know what I'm trying to say). Far wiser to replace it with "about six feet tall" or, best of all, "slightly taller than a man". Something concrete like that.

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