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The Heart of Magma

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Rex, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. Rex

    Rex Resident Furry

    OoC: working on a improved version, if anyone even cares...

    Chapter 1, First Day on the Job

    Tony was only 16 years old, the youngest person ever to join Team Magma. He didn't really fit the stereotype of a common Grunt. His skin was pale, and had almost no muscles. The Uniform was baggy on his slim form. He had the strangest eyes; His right eye was a deep hazel, and his left a light gray. His only Pokémon was a Buizel named Seth. Nothing about him said ‘Team Magma," but here he was.

    His first mission as a member was to steal a package sent to Professor Elm. The sender was a man named Steven Stone. It was all he knew going in.

    "Are you ready?" the voice of the Admin broke his thoughts.

    "Yeah," he replied.

    "Alright, I'll be waiting here for your return, now go get that letter!"

    Tony and Seth crept to the building, climbing in through a side window.

    "The letter would most likely be in the study, so let's find that," he whispered to the Pokémon.

    The Buizel nodded back in agreement, it rarely spoke, preferring to use gestures to communicate. They found the study easily enough, and were able to pick the lock on the door.

    "You check the chest, I'll check the desk."

    Tony began to rummage through the mess of papers on the desk. He was so occupied with finding the package that he didn't notice when he knocked a Pokeball into the sack. Eventually Seth held up the box, looking incredibly pleased with himself.

    "Alright, stick it in the sack so we can get out of here!"

    They quickly tidied up the room, making sure it looked just as it had when they arrived, the re-locked the door, and escaped out the side window again. They made there way back to the Admin, and handed him the sack.

    "Nice job," the Admin said as he pulled the package out of the bag, "Wait a sec? What's this?" The Admin pulled a Pokeball out of the sack.

    "Opps, it must have fallen in when I was searching the desk."

    "Well, if you stole it, then it is yours to keep," the Admin chuckled, and threw the ball to Tony.

    "Uh, okay?" the young thief replied.

    "Well, let it out, see what you got."

    Tony pressed the button in the center of the sphere, and out came a Cyndaquil. It looked at Tony, cocked its head, then went over to Seth.

    "You got a name for him?" the Admin asked.

    "Hmm, how about Flynt?" Tony asked.

    "He's your Pokémon. What he is called is completely up to you," the Admin mused, "anyway, we need to get back to Cherrygrove City before our chopper leaves."

    With that, the new recruit returned his newest Pokémon to its Pokeball, and followed the Admin back to the truck that would take him to Cherrygrove City. And from there, back to Hoenn…
    #1 Rex, Nov 10, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. That was very short and essentially, bare-bones. You should include a lot more description (such as how are Tony and the Admin communicating, why did Tony join Tem Magma (or hint at something if you don't wish to reveal it just yet), why would Team Magma allow someone who's sixteen in, what does the house look like etc. etc.) as this at the moment feels very shallow and more like a set of general notes than a real story. Your sentances as well are very short and clipped, giving this even more the impression of notation rather than true story-telling, for example:

    This could read better if the information was arranged so that the stuff partaining to the letter ran together and was subservient in a way, to the mission-statement. Such as:

    As a new member he had been entrusted with a surprisingly high-profile task; the aquisition of a package recently sent to Professor Elm, believed to be from one 'Steven Stone'.

    Or something to that effect, but more likely in-keeping with your own style of writing.

    A few other things; one would assume that a Grunt would be more formal to an Admin (not using 'Yeah' but likely 'Yes sir/ma'am') and in turn the Admin more formal and possibly arrogant toward the Grunt - unless, of course, you are trying to imply a more relaxed and friendly relationship, though this could be achieved through the use of description rather than speech. Also, words rather than numbers - don't use 16 when you should be using 'sixteen' - it suits the flow better and looks more... professional, I suppose; it's to aide the suspension of disbelief, whereas the use of numbers can be a jarring if used in the wrong place.

    With this being such a short piece, your plot moves along extremely quickly, but of course this can be fixed in part by merely fleshing everything out.

    Do try and give a look to all the other well-to-do fics around here, specifically anything by Sem and Database, they are wonderful writers; this should give you some help as to how to write and describe, paritcularly if you wish to do any Pokemon battles (though also Psycho Monkey's work is good for that as well).
  3. Rex

    Rex Resident Furry

    right, thanks for the tips.

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