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The Daughter of the North Wind

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Dinova, Nov 4, 2012.

  1. Within a small forest, on the face of Mt. Coronet, the calm and quiet of the night was undisturbed. No creature stirred, and the only sound was the west wind rustling through the leaves of the trees. Despite the seemingly ordinary night, the quiet forest would soon be witness to an unusual event. As what could only be described as a blue blur dashed between the trees, the wind suddenly changed direction, blowing from the north.

    Despite rarely traveling through this region, the blue creature knew exactly where she was going. The sure-footed Pokémon dashed through the trees, her paws stepping gracefully over tree roots and rocks without stumbling. The north wind ruffled her light-blue fur and her mane of flowing purple hair. The moonlight that poked through the trees glinted off of the large, crystal crest on her head as she continued to run. She had many names: the spirit of the north wind, the legendary beast of water, the aurora Pokémon, but her favorite was the name that most knew her by, Suicune.

    Suicune continued to weave between the trees until they parted, revealing a massive spring-fed lake. The moonlight glittered on the surface of the crystal clear water as she approached. As she neared the lake, she slowed, smiling. She loved places like this. The water was clean and pure, completely untouched by humans or the toxins they always seemed to produce. She had the power to purify water of course, but clean reservoirs like this still were a thing of beauty to her.

    Something on the far shore of the lake caught her attention. She couldn’t see it very clearly, but it seemed to be a stone…something. Deciding to indulge her curiosity, she decided to investigate the strange structure. She leapt into the air and alighted on the surface of the lake. She leapt along the surface of the lake, sprinting across it in a series of long bounds. Most Pokémon that tried walking on water normally ended up very wet, but she was a special case. The law of buoyancy was more of a suggestion for her. As she reached the shore of the lake, she finally saw what the strange object was.

    It was a stone box with a triangular roof. It looked like a smaller version of a human’s nest. It was raised on four stilts and was very ornate, the roof being made of several small, interlocking tiles. On the front of the box, there was a small shelf with little bowls of stuff. Suicune had seen the bowls before. Humans lit them on fire and they would produce a strong, attractive aroma. As she sniffed the air, she could tell the bowls had been lit recently. As she examined the box, she concluded it must have been made by humans. What other creatures made such needlessly ornate things? As she came closer to the box, she noticed a few more details. At the foot of the box, there was a small stone bowl filled with good smelling food. Also, on the front of the box, she noticed a stone carving of a Pokémon. The Pokémon in the carving looked very familiar, as it should considering it was a carving of her.

    Suicune looked at the food hungrily. Humans used to do this all the time. They would leave food for Pokémon at one of these boxes, in return asking a favor of that Pokémon. Usually, the favor was something the Pokémon naturally did, so they would happily oblige, receiving a free meal for their services. However, humans had begun to do things like that less and less. Most Pokémon didn’t even remember things like this, but Suicune did. While her brothers, Entei and Raikou, actively avoided humans, she had always had a soft spot for them. Despite their faults, she couldn’t help lending a helping paw to the humans she felt deserved it. She would often have small gifts left for her at places like this as thanks, but humans had nearly abandoned stone boxes like this one completely. She could see that this one clearly hadn’t seen any real use in ages, so why was there food here now?

    This made Suicune suspicious of the seemingly harmless food. Could this be a trap? Could a human be waiting for her to lower her guard while she ate? She had learned, like any Pokémon, for every good human there were two bad ones. She knew to be wary if there was a chance that there were humans nearby. She swung her head back and forth. She also lifted her head high and sniffed the air, sensing for some sign of danger. Then, there it was! Just as the wind blew away more of the smell from the tiny bowls, she smelled them. She couldn’t believe she had missed them before, but there was no mistaking that smell, humans. Suicune’s eyes widened, then narrowed to angry slits. She growled and turned towards the source of the smell, baring her teeth. If a human fancied themselves a match for her, then let them come! They would find out how wrong they were soon enough!

    However, as she turned to face the source of the smell, she realized that the one in front of her was harmless. In fact, she doubted if this one could even stand much less attack. The human was lying in the grasses at the edge of the trees, partially obscured by their shadows.

    This was certainly odd. A flood of questions entered Suicune’s mind. Why was this human out here and on the ground? She had smelled another one, where were they? Finally, there was yet another smell in the air, now that the smell from the bowls had worn off. She recognized it, but she couldn’t quite place what it was. This smell seemed to be coming from the human as well. Despite herself, she cautiously approached the human, her curiosity getting the better of her once more.

    The human turned its head towards Suicune as she approached. The human smiled as if greeting an old friend, and reached out a hand toward her snout. At first Suicune flinched away, but she allowed the human’s hand to rest on her snout. Then, with the human’s hand so close to her nose, she remembered what the odd smell was, sickness. It was the smell of the sick and weak, the smell of death. That was why the human was on the ground, it was no doubt too weak to move. It would probably fail to see the next sunrise. She couldn’t help but feel sorry for the human. Even a total stranger’s death saddened her a little. She lay down next to the human, deciding to comfort it in its last few hours. It was the least she could do.

    As Suicune lay down, her attention was drawn to a small bundle of cloth in the human’s arms. She hadn’t noticed it before, but now she noticed that something inside the cloth was moving. She leaned down to examine the bundle, and a miniscule hand shot out from the bundle and grabbed onto her snout. She jumped slightly, as the cloth fell away, revealing a small pudgy face with startling blue eyes. It was a human cub, and a newborn at that. The little one was only a few days old at most. The child gently grabbed Suicune’s snout in its pudgy hands and giggled, embracing the large, fuzzy thing in front of it. She smiled at the tiny human. Suicune, whom still liked humans, couldn’t help falling in love with this little one. This little human was so innocent and pure compared to other humans she had encountered. She nuzzled into the child playfully, her breath ruffling the tiny wisps of hair atop the child’s head.

    As Suicune continued to play with the child, she realized the tragedy of the little one’s future. The sick and dying human was no doubt the child’s mother. She knew too well that the mother was not long for this world, and she was much too familiar with what happened to motherless newborns. With no one to protect it, the little one was doomed. If hunger or the elements did not claim it, then some predator would. Suicune looked down at the infant, who smiled, ignorant of the danger it would soon be in. She then looked down at the mother who was soundly asleep. She doubted the mother’s eyes would open again, so she let her rest peacefully.

    Suicune’s attention turned to the little one again. She considered what she could do to help; there was no way she could leave the little cub to die. She thought about bringing the newborn to other humans, but she knew that was a bad idea. She couldn’t go near human dwellings. The second a human saw her they would try to capture her. While she was sure she could find a human kind enough to raise the child, there was no guarantee that the child wouldn’t be forgotten in the chase. She kept trying to figure out what she should do.

    Suddenly, Suicune became very aware of everything that had happened tonight. She realized the mother’s intentions now. The mother had traveled (in her condition no less) very far from the nearest human village to the stone box. She had left an offering asking for a Pokémon’s favor. She had brought her child, not to ask for her own healing, but to ask for a safe future for her child instead. She realized all of this in an instant, marveling at the mother’s sacrifice.

    She looked at the bowl of food by the stone box, then at the child. The favors humans asked were normally simple because they were usually something in the Pokémon’s nature. Well, it was not in Suicune’s nature to abandon this little one. She ate some of the food in the stone bowl. She then approached the newborn. She carefully wrapped the edges of the cloth around the child, then lifted the bundle, child and all, in her mouth. The child moved around a little, but she did not squirm enough to be a problem. She looked down at the mother and realized the gentle rise and fall of her chest had ceased. With a last, silent, respectful nod to the mother, Suicune dashed off into the forest with the child.

    That night, the forest was witness to a few strange events. Strangest of all was the legendary Pokémon Suicune, taking in an orphaned baby and raising her as her own daughter. A human raised by Pokémon, the child of a legend. The Daughter of the North Wind.

    ---

    This is part one (more of a prologue, really) of a series I plan to write. They will be a series of vignettes written from the POV of this child, as she encounters various things. (Other humans, pokemon, etc.) I'd appreciate any and all constructive critiscism. Though I feel I should mention, I would really like help with my storytelling, as that's what I feel is my big weakness.
     
  2. This is great!! I love the way you described Suicune, making her sound so elegant and graceful. I can help if you want!!
     
  3. baratron

    baratron Moderator of Elder Scrolls
    Staff Member Moderator

    Okay. You asked for constructive criticism, so here's some.

    I feel this part at the beginning needs some expansion or rewording: "Despite the seemingly ordinary night, the quiet forest would soon be witness to an unusual event. The wind changed direction, blowing from the north, as what could only be described as a blue blur ran through the forest." I believe the point is that Suicune arriving *is* the unusual event, but the way it's currently phrased makes it sound a little like the wind changing direction is. Perhaps change the second sentence to "As what could only be described as a blue blur appeared, the wind suddenly changed direction to blow from the north."? This also better links Suicune's arrival to the wind change.

    "She leapt along the surface of the lake, sprinting across it in a series of long bounds. Most Pokémon that attempted that normally ended up very wet, but she was a special case." I would expand the second "that" to "to walk on water".

    I very much like "human's nest", and the description of the building from Suicune's point of view!

    "Humans used to do this all of the time. Humans would leave food for Pokémon at one of these boxes, in return they'd ask a favor of a Pokémon. Normally, the favor was something the Pokémon naturally did, so they happily obliged to a free meal for their services." This part is a little clumsy/clunky. Perhaps reword it to "Humans used to do this all the time. They would leave food for Pokémon at one of these boxes, in return asking a favor of that Pokémon. Usually, the favor was something the Pokémon naturally did, so they would happily oblige, receiving a free meal for their services."

    Another thing I've noticed is that you tend to repeat the same word over and over: "humans" and "the little one". Perhaps try to vary this a bit: you could use "people" or "baby", or even "cub" again? So a section such as "Suicune's attention turned to the little one again. She considered what she could do to help; there was no way she could leave the little one to die. She thought about bringing the little one to other humans, but she knew that was a bad idea." would become "Suicune's attention turned to the little one again. She considered what she could do to help; there was no way she could leave the newborn cub to die. She thought about bringing the cub to other humans, but she knew that was a bad idea." Just to vary things up a bit :).

    But really, I have very few criticisms. Overall, I love the style of the piece and the world that you're painting. The story flows well, and is not obvious. This isn't the same fanfic that I've read twenty times before. It seems original and clever. Keep going!
     
  4. @ bironiclus: I'm very glad you enjoyed how I portrayed Suicune. Also, any help or constructive criticism that you'd like to give would be greatly appreciated.

    @ baratron: Thank you so much for all of your input. It was very helpful and I've tried to implement as many of the changes you suggested as possible.
     

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