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The Cressilia Crusade!

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Secad MS, Apr 18, 2008.

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  1. Here's the beginning to the first story I am writing. Critique constructively, okay?

    The Cressilia Crusade: A somewhat long story told in multiple posts!​

    "Sounds cool. Bring me back Duskull, 'kay? I'll even trade you for it when you get back! Bye."

    Alex was on her new cell phone with her friend Silas. Silas was going to Hoenn for a vacation with his parents. His treat, because he just came back from the Elite Four. He always did rack up the cash there, going in nearly twice a month. Geez. She'd only been there five or six times, because of the beating her Empoleon took as the main battler. Poach always did dread battling Cynthia's Milotic, begging to have one of her two remaining Leppa Berries. Alex never could find good soil, so she didn't let him have one.

    Alex shut off her phone and flopped down on the bed in one of the rooms in the Snowpoint PokeCenter. Her hair was out of her usual ponytail, so it splayed out on the bed in a messy fashion, not in the neat strands it usually did. Bored after the phone call, she turned on the TV to the news channel.

    Just in, on Channel 11 Snowpoint News, sightings of the Legendary Cressilia have been noted all over Sinnoh today, but a recent encounter, where a trainer actually made contact with the Legendary, has had beneficial repercussions for the trainer's entire hometown! Now we interview Alison White, a native of Solaceon Town, and...

    The TV talked on about how an blond, innocent looking, ten-year-old girl, had impacted her entire hometown. Apparently, when she first saw it, it approached her like a friendly Poochenya looking for affection. When Alison touched her, her hand sparkled, and the sparkles ran down her arm to under the ground, and in Solaceon, the sick were healed, the old rejuvenated, buildings repaired, blah blah blah...

    Alex got bored with the TV, and starting daydreaming, staring at the blizzard blowing outside the window. She was off in her own world, thinking about Silas's trip, the things she could do with her own Duskull, and the training of her Togetic. But when she heard the words 'large fire' and 'Hearthome' coming from the news channel, she snapped to attention.

    Breaking news! A rogue Rapidash started a large fire in the Shopping and Business districts in Hearthome. Many are injured, and dozens are dead. The Rapidash is held in custody and may be put down. The Rapidash's trainer is in the hospital with severe injuries. Surviving bystanders say the Rapidash was released for exercise, but was driven mad for some reason, and ran through the districts, setting them aflame. Recovery will take a while, as firefighters are still putting the flames out. The current screen of a reporter snapped away to footage of firefighters putting out flames with Floatzels, Empoleons, and other Water types, all with a look of either determination or fear in their eyes.

    "What the-!" Alex screamed, snapped out of her daydream. "Oh my goodness, my parents live in the Business district! Dozens dead, severe injuries! Oh please, please, PLEASE let them be okay!" she yelled.

    She snapped the TV off, and tried to calm down. "Okay, okay, deep breaths...that's no use! I've got to do something!" Alex flopped down on chair limply, thinking of a solution. "Help the firefighters? No use, they'll just push me away...no, how 'bout searching through the rubble? No, same thing as before! Argh!!!!" Alex was insanely frustrated. Here she was, safe and warm, not burnt and suffering with her parents. Man, I feel guilty. "What about helping indirectly, like...like...like..." Alex kept thinking in vain of a way to help Hearthome indirectly. "I am SO stupid! It was shown in the news earlier! Cressilia can help me! I just have to find her, but she's a runner, she doesn't stay in one place like Uxie or Heatran...I'll hunt for her myself! I'll touch her! And she'll heal Hearthome! Hopefully I'll find her! I'll start searching tomorrow!" Alex said triumphantly, one fist pumping the air.

    Alex went to sleep in a few hours, after going outside to clear her head and battle some Pokemon. "Tomorrow...tomorrow..." Alex mumbled in her sleep.
     
  2. "Mmm....morning. Fun." Alex moaned as she got out of bed. She checked the clock on the wall, and saw that it was nine-o-five in the morning. Pulling off her PokeBelt on the chair next to the bed, she released an Empoleon (Poach) who greeted her with a roar-squeak that was so characteristic of him.

    Morning, sleepy head. Poach said using the trainer-Pokemon bond. Canz I haz brakfazt? Poach asked, with what could pass as a smile with his beak.

    "Sure, as soon as I get dressed. And stop reading over my shoulder when I go on the lol-Skitty sites. It's annoying the heck out of me."

    Alex got dressed in her characteristic black jeans, black t-shirt with red Staraptor outline, and pulled on her yellow and navy hoodie. Then Alex got out some dried fruit and some Iapapa berries from her bag and tossed them to Poach. Ever since Poach had evolved from a Piplup to a Prinplup, Alex stopped using dishes with him, because he was so big and couldn't reach the food.

    I thankez us. Poach said after he finished, just to bug Alex.

    Alex just groaned in reply, and did a famous *facepalm*. "Return." Alex never fed all of her Pokemon together in a PokeCenter room because most of hers were large.

    "Breakfast time, guys." Alex released a Skuntank (Toxspeed), a Staraptor (Ebou), a Bibarel (Uno), and a Flareon (Solava), which she just added to her party to train two weeks ago. Her Graveler (Shodon) was last because she was large, just like Poach.

    There were replies from her Pokemon like, Why'd you wake me up?, Mmm...food., and Mornin', but she just poured food in dishes as usual, placing a few berries on top. "Bad news and good news, guys. Bad news is Hearthome was on fire last night." Alex finally announced. "I haven't told Poach and Shodon yet, but I will. Good news, I have a way to save it."

    Whoop-de-doo. Toxspeed said sarcastically, while munching on Pokefood. We gonna go on a mission, or something?

    "Sort of like that. I know Cressilia can save us, if I touch her. I saw it on TV last night."

    Oooh, she saw it on TV. Like the TV is always right. Toxspeed mocked.

    "Watch your lip, Toxspeed. We're still going. Or would you like to be in the PC for the duration?"

    No, soooorrry. he apologized grudgenly.

    Once they were done eating, Alex returned the Pokemon and fed Shodon, and told her the news. After she was done eating, Alex returned Shodon and told Poach. Poach's reaction was:

    What?!?

    "Yeah, it's true. Hearthome had a fire."

    No, I mean the 'touching the Legendary' part. Wouldn't that be dangerous?

    "No, you jumping off of a cliff to get at some Gyrodos that flipped you off is. And I don't know how a Gyrodos can flip you off without hands!"

    Okay, okay, point taken. But that Gyrodos had his ways, I assure you!

    Alex groaned and *facepalmed* again. After she returned him, she fed herself, (Mmm...yum. Old dried apricots. Time to go food shopping again.),got in her black winter coat, and grabbed her bag to trek out in the now peaceful Snowpoint to Fly to Solaceon.

    "Okay, thank you. Have a nice trip!" replied the receptionist when she returned her room key.

    "Yes ma'am, I will. Good day." Alex replied. Why was she so polite all the time? It made her sick. Alex got the attention of a Nurse Joy, and had her Pokemon healed, just a routine refill of HP and PP, along with status curing.

    She exited the red-orange roofed building and went outside. It was nice, only with a few flakes falling. Few people were outside. Snowpoint was a really small town. Alex plucked the third PokeBall off of her belt, one with a gold-painted bottom. She released the Pokemon inside.

    Her Staraptor appeared, greeting Alex with her Tseer!ing call. Hey. Where can I Fly ya? Ebou asked, all jolly and pleased with nearly everything.

    "Solaceon Town. We have business to do."

    Business to do! Ebou snorted.

    "Please, no bathroom humor."
     
  3. (Ooc: I know it doesn't have action now, but it will soon.)

    The flight on Alex's Staraptor was enjoyable. It was cold, but sunny, and the air had a delightful nip to it, definitely waking both Pokemon and Trainer up. They flew until Ebou (The Staraptor) spotted the Solaceon Ruins, and then she landed in front of an entrance. It was hot and sunny that day in Solaceon, so Alex took off both her hoodie and her coat and stuffed them into her barely-organized bag. Alex released all of her Pokemon to ask their suggestions.

    "Okay, first things first. Where do I start? Do I look for the girl? The mayor? Or any old citizen? What do you guys think?"

    Alex was expecting an answer from Poach, or maybe even a snarky answer from Toxspeed, but instead she got one from Shodon, her Graveler.

    Meekly raising one of her hands, she said, Maybe we should just go for anybody here. That seems to be the easiest option because of how friendly the people are here.

    "Sounds good. Poach, comments?" Alex always asked Poach's opinion on small stuff like this. He was the second oldest here, next to Alex.

    Mmm...wha? Wha'dja say? Poach was snapped out of a daydream.

    Alex *facepalmed* again. "Okay, we're going to ask someone here. Poach, Toxspeed, Ebou, Uno, and Shodon return!"

    All of the Pokemon returned to their Balls, except for Solava, because Alex wanted him to see Sinnoh. He only did hatch two months ago. Alex thought.

    "Fla-flare!" Solava squeaked. Alex waited for the day when she and Solava could understand one another. It always was a joy when Alex found out that one Pokemon loved her.

    "You always were the cute one in the bunch, weren't you, Solly?" Alex said absentmindly, while adjusting the Experience Share on Solava's head.

    But then Alex was suddenly knocked over on top of Solava. "Hey!" she said in protest.

    But when she got up and dusted herself off, she saw it was a punkish-looking teenage male she somewhat recongnized.

    "You!" he growled.
     
  4. The boy was Nathan Summers, a red belt from her dojo back in Hearthome. They both hated each other on sight, trying as hard as possible to injure one another during sparring.

    Nathan...you and your stuck-up, I'm-so-much-better-than-you attitude really p'o's! Alex thought, looking at the tall, cocky, blue mohawked, seventeen-year-old.

    "What!?" Alex growled right back.

    "Why the @#^* are you here? Looking for Alison White, aren't you? Too bad. I heard about the fire. I'm going to be the famous one who saves Hearthome, not you! I defeated her and her pitiful Pokemon, and left them lying in the caves. It'll take her weeks to get out. You will not find her!" Summers mocked.

    "So I'm looking for Cressilia. So what? Move out and let me get to her!" Alex yelled, temper boiling.

    "Make me!"

    "Okay, so I will! Solava! Bite!" Alex commanded Solava.

    Solava's teeth grew, and attempted to bite down Nathan. But Summers was too fast, and easily dodged, throwing out a PokeBall of his own. The Quick Ball released a U Unown, which puzzled Alex.

    "Why a Unown? They're weak!" Alex mocked right back.

    "Because I'm making a new Ball Capsule that says..." Summer said, telling Alex.

    "You are such an idiot! It's against the law to have profanity on Capsules!" Alex yelled, extremely offended.

    "Unown! Use Hidden Power!" Summers commanded.

    The U Unown gathered up blue colored balls of energy and blasted them at the Level 45 Flareon. Solava was hit hard, and buckled over, barely staying up.

    "Crap..." Alex said flipping out her Pokedex and checking the Unown's level.

    23...crap, it must have a Water HP! I'm done for! Alex thought.
     
  5. "My, my. It looks as if my Unown might stand a chance." Nathan said mockingly, with a smirk.

    "Not a chance." Alex whispered. "Bite!" she commanded.

    This time Solava's attack actually hit. The Unown shuddered, hanging on by three Hit Points.

    The Unown charged up the Hidden Power, and hit the Flareon again. Solava made a pitiful squeaking noise, and nearly collapsed, with only one Hit Point left.

    "Bite again, Solava! Hang in there! You can beat 'im!" Alex cheered, trying to rouse the Flareon.

    Solava opened up his mouth a pitiful amount, and Bit the Unown. The Unown faltered, and fainted.

    "$%^& you!" Summer said, sticking up a certain finger.

    "No, actually I'll do it to you." Alex pulled out a Pokeball with gold P's painted on the top half, and threw it. "Poach! Out here!" The capsule around it burst into red and blue decretive (sp) flames.

    Squoareek! Poach called.

    "Surf 'im!"

    My pleasure. Poach smirked as well as he could.
     
  6. Poach made a huge wave of water blast right down on Nathan, sweeping (and soaking) him far away from the entrace to the caves.

    "Thanks, Poach." Alex said, giving Poach a small hug. Turning to Solava, she was relieved. No major damage. Alex opened her bag, and pulled out a Potion.

    "I haven't gone shopping lately, so I better use these up first. It'll get you through." Alex said, spraying Solava.

    Solava made a weird purring/growling sound in reply.

    "That was probably 'thanks'. Am I right or what?" Alex noted.

    Okay, let's go in and find this Alison girl. Poach said, getting impatient.

    "Okay, okay. Geez." Alex said, returning her Empoleon to his ball. "C'mon." Alex gestured for Solava to jump into her arms.

    Alex wandered throughout the caves, listening for a voice, a call, anything. According to her red Poketch, she had been in there for three hours. It grew tedious and boring, but when she was about to release Shodon to Dig her way out for them, she heard sobbing coming from some small cave nearby. But where?
     
  7. The paceing seems a bit off to me but becide that it's really good.
    and




    "No, you jumping off of a cliff to get at some Gyrodos that flipped you off is. And I don't know how a Gyrodos can flip you off without hands!"

    Okay, okay, point taken. But that Gyrodos had his ways, I assure you!


    is one of the greatest lines ever
     
  8. Great story! I hope you continue soon!
     
  9. (Wow, thanks! I love compliments!)

    Alex turned on her heel. She clutched Solava closer, attempting to muffle the sound of her heartbeat, which was pounding in her ears. She closed her eyes and listened, trying to locate the sound of the sobs. It was coming from her left! Alex opened her eyes and turned to the three sets of starwells. All of them seemed to echo the crying. Alex thought of releasing Toxspeed to sniff her out, but it was likely that many people had been here before, and so Toxspeed would get confused. Then an idea came to her.

    "Uno!" Alex called, throwing a Pokeball.

    Uno's bouncy cry was heard throughout the caves.

    "Shh!" Alex whispered fiercely. "Do you think you can find the source of that crying?"

    Sure thing. Can I have a berry?

    "No, not now. Later."

    Aw, shucks. Can I at least have a hug? Uno said, not discouraged in the least.

    "O-kay."

    Alex gave in. Uno was adorable!

    Alex straightened up instantly afterwords. "Uno, which of them have a crying girl in them?"

    I dunno. Uno said, shrugging her shoulders.

    "Listen you do-" Alex stopped herself. A good Trainer never insulted her Pokemon. They insulted other Trainers instead. She was very good at that. "I mean, listen Uno, use your ears!" Alex hissed.

    Uno sat down staring at the starwells intently. After a while, she pointed to the right one.

    That one, Alex. Can I have my berry now?

    "Sure. But walk down while eating it, okay?" Alex said, tossing her a common sweet berry.

    They trudged down the stairs slowly, waiting every few steps for Uno to catch up. At the end, there was a little chamber with a crying blond girl in it, surrounded by a fainted Monferno, Geodude, Starly, Bidoof, Gyrodos, and an egg!
     
  10. "Hey. Are you okay?" Alex said softly, trying not scare the girl further.

    The girl looked up, wiping her face with the heel of her hand. "N-n-o. Some mean boy with spiky hair came here and hurt my Pokemon!" she said, while getting up from a kneeling posistion on wobbly knees.

    "What did he do?"

    "H-h-he came in here and told his Torterra to Earthquake all of them, all while gloating that he was going to be tha famous one, but I don't know what he meant by that."

    Alex offered her hand to help her up, and she took it.

    "What's your name? Alex asked.

    "Ally." the girl responded.

    "Ally? As in Allison?"

    "Yeah." she said, wiping her nose.

    This is the girl! Alex thought, triumphantly.

    "Do you think you can help me get to the Pokecenter?" Ally asked.

    "Sure. Hold my Flareon, could ya?" Alex said, while hefting up Solava to put in Ally's arms. "His name's Solava."

    "Sure! I've never seen one of these before! Where'd you find him?" Ally asked, giggling while Solva sniffed her face.

    While rummaging through her bag to find Revives, Alex said "From an egg. Eevee aren't native to Sinnoh. I got his father from a lady named BeBe in Hearthome." Alex then pulled out five of her remaining seven Revives. "Ah. Here we go. Open up that Monferno's mouth, please." Alex said, looking at the wicked teeth of the fire-type monkey. "I don't like the look of those teeth."

    "Okay. His name's Ignis, though. Doesn't like being called Monferno, for some reason." She said, putting down Solava and kneeling next to the fainted Pokemon.

    Gingerly, Ally opened up Ignis's mouth avoiding the canines. "Say 'Ahh' Ignis. You'll be feeling better soon."

    Alex placed the Revive in the Monferno's mouth. After a few seconds, the fire-monkey stirred.

    Got to go! Finish later.
     
  11. StellarWind Elsydeon

    StellarWind Elsydeon Armblades Ascendant
    Staff Member Administrator

    Superb work of humor... Meaning this story is only worth reading for the epic lulz it incites. You know. Once your brain stops bleeding.

    There is so much that could be improved with this story, that constructive criticism is exceptionally hard for me to make. I will however try to tone down the sheer, seething, burning sarcasm from the darkest recesses of my mind to the best of my ability.

    Okay. (takes a deep breath)

    You say that this is your first work of fanfiction, and it shows - it definitely suffers from a lot of n00b-writer mistakes, the sort of which you might find on Serebii (and even there, you'd get chewed off by the few decent writers out there for them).

    Seriously. Young Miss Mary-Sue Allen of Whateversville City in Sinnoh, while away from her house, finds out her hometown got burned by a freak accident, her parents died, her goldfish, Goldie was eaten by the cat, her cat choked on the Goldfish, her whole life became a sob story, and now she's after a legendary pokeymans which obviously has Jesus powers (even if its abilities have nothing to do with its actual power or the reason it's a legendary anyway!) because she wants to heal the city and make everyone happy bunnies. How many times have I seen this plotline? Hint: It's Over Nine Thousand.

    That is the first out of many problems. Let us look at a few of the others.

    First - the most technical: Spelling and grammar. It is atrocious. It still resembles English as opposed to n00blish, which is something, I suppose, we should be thankful for, but you really... REALLY need to double-check on the spelling of your Pok?Mon species. Seriously. 'Gyrodos'? 'Cressilia'? If you're not certain on how to spell a particular species' name, there are a quajillion Pok?Dexes out there. just copy-paste the names if it's too much trouble for you to remember how to spell properly. As for non-Pok?Mon terms, there are quite a few spell-checking utilities. Hell, even the -forum- has a built-in one. USE IT. Or have someone proofread the story for you before you post it. As for grammar... Well. It's not bad, but not good either. I think you should have a look at actual books and see how they're written. It helps.

    Now for non-technicalities, we move on straight to content.

    Our first order of business is to establish what we are currently engaged in and what we are not engaged in. What we are engaged in is a work of fan fiction - a story based on and inspired by the games. What we are not engaged in is a any of the games themselves. It is true that certain game mechanics still apply - but I highly doubt that all of them will. Think of it as a real-life situation in a world that isn't our own.

    If Pok?Mon were actual living creatures, no one would have treated them like they were a bunch of pixels on a screen. No one would have talked of EVs, or IVs, or levels, or HP WATER ZOMG (While establishing a Hidden Power attack is of a certain element is valid, you can't use unofficial lazy-internets-typers contest terms casually.) Storage of Pok?Mon wouldn't be a casual matter of shoving them in a PC box and forgetting about them, either. Battles wouldn't be a simple matter of mathematics and hit points - they'd be a matter of tactics and endurance. You certainly wouldn't be able to one-hit KO a Pok?Mon simply because of type advantage. I hate to say this, but it would probably look a lot more like the anime than it looks like in the games. With slightly less haxing and Aiming For The Horn.

    I'd REALLY like to see how does one go in to fight the Elite Four twice a week in a real-life type situation - you wouldn't be considered a top notch trainer enough to be part of the elite four if your sole purpose of existence was to be pwned repeatedly by the same durn fool kids. Or how an average teenager dodges an attack from a clearly physically-superior Flareon. Or, encounters with legendary Pok?Mon being a generic everyday thing to the point everyone knows exactly where a legendary will appear or if it's a 'runner' (another unofficial term which would not hold water in a real life setting!).

    Now that we got that out of the way, we move to our third major problem - namely, the format.

    A story needs to be written like a story, and not like something half-arsedly scribbled in a chatroom conversation. Don't write this as you go along - this is not valid conduct for fanfiction. You don't write a few words and then go all 'gtg lol posted'. What you SHOULD do is write proper chapters, with a decent length, in your spare time - make them a unit worth reading before you post them. This will mean your thread will have less posts and you'll update less frequently - but, one guiding principle of this forum as a whole (or at least, so it SHOULD be) is that of quality before quantity.

    And speaking of quality - another n00b error I've noticed is the fact that your writing severely needs to be fleshed out. Your settings, your characters, and just about everything else. Description never killed anyone. Lack of description makes me want to kill.

    Also, on a side note, "*facepalmed*" is not a valid description. (Unless if you're an Orz. Because everyone knows that *Campers* enjoy the *sauce* and then we are not so *frumple*. *jumping peppers!*).

    I could go on forever, but I think I've burned my brain enough with this "fanfic" of yours. But I think that I'm going to end dashing of your hopes and dreams and misconceptions that you're a decent writer with some words of encouragement: Quite a few people who are decent writers, if not bloody awesome writers - made their won fair share of n00b-errors when they were just starting out. Keep that in mind, learn from your mistakes. Read stories and see how it's done. And then, slowly, you may evolve into something that -can- write to save its own life.

    Best wishes, salutations, and all that Desu.
     
  12. Okay, thank you for the constructive criticisim, StellarWind. It stinks, I know, so I think I shall stop, lock it until I improve my skills, and finish it at some other time.

    Lock-age.

    Wait, I can't figure out how to lock. Can a mod please lock this?
     
  13. Prof. Cinders

    Prof. Cinders Mathemagician
    Staff Member Administrator

    Done. Better luck next time.
     
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