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Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Persian, Jan 7, 2005.

  1. Hi! Persian here, with the rewrites of Teleporter. My rule: one review for the next chapter. I think 1-4 have been rewritten, and they are rewritten pretty fast. So, here it is, the improved first chapter of Teleporter!

    Teleporter (Rewrites)

    Chapter 1-The Nightmare


    The small child ran as fast as she can with that word, through the plains. She stumbled over dead bones of dead things, and her short legs couldn't carry her very far. All she thought about was running. Nothing else could even enter the young girl's head. All she had to do was run. Nothing else, just run. Just run. Keep running. Otherwise it will catch her. And kill her. So she must run. Just stay away. This thing was very bad, very scary. Run, run, run, keep running, just run, run, don't trip, run, run. It was getting closer, and closer, and closer...

    Lina woke with a start. The dream of the fearful child was still vivid in her thoughts, and she could still hear the panting of the poor girl, which Lina soon realized was her own deep breathing as well. She felt her forehead, which was hot and sweaty-as if she had been the girl, and had been running from something. The thirteen-year-old brushed her sunny blonde hair, also slightly damp, from her face and to rest behind her unpierced ears. She took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself, her fast breathing, and her racing heart. It did some good...some.

    She tried to remember what the girl was running from, but despite the fact that the memory of the dream was fresh in her mind, she could not place the fear. All she could remember was that it was terrifying, going after her, and that somebody else was afraid of it too. The other person, however, also eluded Lina's thoughts. The only thing she could place her mind on was the fearful running, along with the bones she tripped over many times. The bones with dried up blood, flesh, and sinew. Lina shuddered. It had all seemed so real...so real...

    Lina fell back against her pillow, shutting her eyes. Her mind was forcing herself to think happy thoughts, like the ones her mother always told her and her sister, Keira, to think when they couldn't sleep or had a bad dream. If only she was a few years younger, then she could wake her parents up. It was always funny to see her father's bed-hair, it would always stick out straight to the right, like a badly done sandy moehawk. Always. Never, ever to the left, only the right. Of course, at this age and time of night, her mother would groan, wipe her tired, almond eyes, and tell Lina just to go back to sleep. Lina would, but the nightmare was just so scary. Her green-brown eyes opened once again to look at her dark ceiling, the light blue color black from lack of light. She glanced around her room, her eyes resting on her lavender chair, closet, white desktop computer, and light pine wood bookcase. Everything was okay, but not comforting. The teen didn't know what would be comforting at the moment, but whatever it was, it wasn't in her room at that moment.

    Moving the thoughts from her mind, she looked at the time. Her digital alarm clock flashed the bright red numbers of 12:01. Lina sighed as she bumped her head against her soft, flannel memory foam pillow again. I am awake, and I can't fall asleep again, not after that dream, she thought. Maybe I'll go downstairs to get some water. Heh, at least it's not a school night. Otherwise my stupid English teacher, Mr. Iralyte, would kill me for zoning out during his stupid lectures on really random stuff. Like yesterday, he spent half an hour droning on and on and on about...what was it? Oh yeah, padlocks and bad grads. Why padlocks? I can understand about the bad grades, but padlocks? How are they even related? I mean, padlocks...

    She pushed back the thick comforter-it was a cold January night. Her feet slid into fuzzy yellow slippers as she stood up, looking in the tall mirror on her closet door. Looking into herself, she smoothed out the wrinkles in her huge white t-shirt with a sleeping brown and white tabby kitten printed on the front. Below it was a pair of gray-purple flannel pants with a floral pattern, leaves and petals weaving in and out of each other along the fabric.

    The teenager crept silently down the stairs of the two-story house she, her parents, and her little sister lived in. She hopped over the last stair, which she learned from experience made a noise when you stepped on it. Lina even remembered to duck under a rod that hung over the bookshelf against the wall-being 5' 8" wasn't always great. Clothes were always too short, doorways were too short, you always stuck out in a crowd, had to look down on people...all that stuff. Flipping her blonde hair to fall in slightly wavy lines down a few inches past her shoulders, she continued on her way to the kitchen. She walked into the room on her mind, the kitchen, and over to the mahogany cabinets to take out a plastic cup. As she was about to fill it with tap water, she heard a noise in the living room, which was the room to the right of the kitchen. Her hand tightened, making the cup give off cracking noises.

    Lina shook her head, dropped the cup carelessly on the smooth granite counter. Picking up a pair of tongs as a defence, she slowly stepped into the hallway, and towards the living room.

    "Okay, Lina, just don't panic. It's probably nothing. Just your imagination. I mean, what self-respecting burgler comes into a town house in rural southern California? Yeah, nobody. All in your head. Probably just Keira..."

    Suddenly, she was met with a bright flash, which blinded her. The next thing Lina knew was that she was being picked up by something. Her mind raced with chaotic thoughts, making it hard to think. She tried to struggle, but for some reason, her body wasn't responding. It wouldn't move, no matter how hard she willed it to.

    Why won't I move? Why, why, why? I can't move! Who-who is here? I can't move! Hit him! Hit it hit it hit it! Get away! MOVE!

    I feel it.

    Aaah! Did I think that? Who's there? Did somebody talk? Get away! MOVE MOVE MOVE! I can't see! Can I hear? I don't know if I can feel! What's happening?

    As her muddled thoughts tried to find out what was happening, she sensed a color. Purple. A small, triumphant thought was soon covered up by an intrusion of an outside thought, wanting to speed things up since her sight was coming back. A red glare entered Lina's eyes, blocking out everything. The girl felt sluggish, and as hard as she tried not to succumb to the hypnosis, she fell asleep in the stranger's arms.
  2. Linkachu

    Linkachu Hero of Pizza
    Staff Member Administrator

    "One review"? Is that an order ^^;

    Besides a few mistakes in the first paragraph everything looks pretty good grammar-wise. But what do I care about grammar? :p

    I think I've scanned parts of this at Pokeschool, but the end of this chapter still left me intrigued. Who is this mysterious intruder? Why confront Lina? And what exactly was she dreaming about?

    This and more *hopefully* in the coming chapter's of Teleporter! :wink:

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