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PURE. UNREFINED. GOLD.

Discussion in 'Small Talk' started by StellarWind Elsydeon, May 10, 2007.

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  1. StellarWind Elsydeon

    StellarWind Elsydeon Armblades Ascendant
    Staff Member Administrator

    Every once in a while you run into something online that's pure comedy gold. A friend of mine alerted me to the existence of this:

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "get the right fucking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

    When I tracked down Robin's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

    I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or when I had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking lot when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had so patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a for sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down the number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.
    I said "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
    He said "Yes, it is."
    I asked "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    He said "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out front."
    I asked "What's your name?"
    He said "My name is Don Hansen"
    I asked "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    He said "I'm home every evening after five."
    I said "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
    He said "Yes?"
    I said "Don, you're an asshole."
    Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said "Hello?"
    I said "You're an asshole." (but I didn't hang up)
    He asked "Are you still there?"
    I said "Yeah."
    He screamed, "Stop calling me."
    I said "Make me."
    He asked "Who are you?"
    I said "My name is Don Hansen."
    He said "Yeah? Where do you live?"
    I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black beamer parked out front."
    He said "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start saying your prayers."
    I said "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." and hung up.

    Then I called asshole #2. He said "Hello?"
    I said "Hello, asshole."
    He yelled "If I ever find out who you are..."
    I said "You'll what?"
    He exclaimed "I'll kick your ass."
    I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 news about the gang war doing down in Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, and overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better.
     
  2. LOL

    that's brilliant XD
    have they showed it on the news yet? I wanna see it :p
     
  3. Nemesis

    Former Administrator

    Lol

    I REALLY hope that really happened.
     
  4. Linkachu

    Linkachu Hero of Pizza
    Staff Member Administrator

    This is something I see Alex trying in real life XD

    Got a good kick out of that. Thanks for sharing, Stel ;)
     
  5. I really wish I could come up with good stuff like that. Goodness knows working in retail has introduced me to an ample supply of worthy candidates.
     
  6. StellarWind Elsydeon

    StellarWind Elsydeon Armblades Ascendant
    Staff Member Administrator

    In a world where just about everything and everyone has caller ID, I REALLY wouldn't try this at home. :p

    This thing has been circling on the internets for ages...
     
  7. Heh, try this one on for being in the same vein, that of comical timing.

    http://www.bash.org/?search=beach&sort=0&show=25

    The site is packed with too many other hilarious quotes, just so those of you that have never been there know...

    But it might not be a good idea for younger audiences as the quotes cover many topics, not all savoury, hell none of them are savoury really...
     
  8. Stel - that was utterly brilliant! And actually, wuth *69... You can mask your phone number, or you have your number not listed/private... And for some reason, I see my guy doing that. After I showed this to him last night, he was tempted to do it a few guys he knows... o.O

    Mean - IO am checking out your link right now.
    The first one I read was okay, but I am going through the rest.

    I'll need to come back and edit my post with some of the things I found.
     
  9. That's some good copypasta.
     
  10. To hell with bitching out 7-year-olds who think they can make animated gifs, this is now how I am going to get my sick thrills.

    Who has caller ID? I certainly don't.

    The real irony of the situation is, this kind of stuff happens in fairfax.

    No, really. it does. If it's the fairfax I live near. . .

    Stel, you rock. ^^ This cheered me up. I had a really bad day.
     
  11. That sounds like something I would try but I live under Murphy's Law. It would never work for me and even if it did, I would be caught.

    Totally hilarious though. It's time for the buttholes of the world to get what's coming to them.
     
  12. Your a genius am speechless :o all i have to say is good job ;D
     
  13. even if i've seen this before and it has been on the internet for ages, it's awesome....and payphones (if you can find one anymore) would be good for this. or you could borrow the gas station phone and stage it... just say you're coming home right now, ladida, etc etc.
     
  14. Of course you've seen it before. It's copypasta.

    Step 1. Find pasta
    Step 2. Copy
    Step 3. ???
    Step 4: Profit!!
     
  15. StellarWind Elsydeon

    StellarWind Elsydeon Armblades Ascendant
    Staff Member Administrator

    Nothing wrong with the occasional copypasta. No need to add troll sauce.
     
  16. I dunno...it seems a little mean....did they have to get them into a federal issue over that?
     
  17. I read that and literaly I was rolling on the floor laffing.
     
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