PURE. UNREFINED. GOLD.

Every once in a while you run into something online that's pure comedy gold. A friend of mine alerted me to the existence of this:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "get the right fucking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robin's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or when I had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking lot when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had so patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a for sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.
I said "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said "Yes, it is."
I asked "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out front."
I asked "What's your name?"
He said "My name is Don Hansen"
I asked "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said "I'm home every evening after five."
I said "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
He said "Yes?"
I said "Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said "Hello?"
I said "You're an asshole." (but I didn't hang up)
He asked "Are you still there?"
I said "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me."
I said "Make me."
He asked "Who are you?"
I said "My name is Don Hansen."
He said "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black beamer parked out front."
He said "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start saying your prayers."
I said "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2. He said "Hello?"
I said "Hello, asshole."
He yelled "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said "You'll what?"
He exclaimed "I'll kick your ass."
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 news about the gang war doing down in Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, and overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

 

In a world where just about everything and everyone has caller ID, I REALLY wouldn't try this at home.

This thing has been circling on the internets for ages...

 

Nothing wrong with the occasional copypasta. No need to add troll sauce.