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Pokemon:Darkness Up-Risen

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by UmbreonTrainer45, Feb 9, 2011.

  1. This is my first story on here, I hope you like it :)

    Pokemon:Darkness Up-risen​

    "Umbreon, Battle On!" I spun my red Pokeball. It spun out in a flash as my blond hair flew back. It rolled off my black glove smoothly and flew into the air. I had my Poke Gear on my belt buzzing. My eyes can't leave the battle field. Umbreon flashed out of the open Poke ball. She was smaller than the others and stood only at my knees. She growled fiercely at the opponents Charmander and spun around.

    My red gear kept buzzing so I decided to pick it up. I looked at my watch and choose for Umbreon to use Dark Slash. Picking up my gear I watched her slash a wave of darkness on Charmander as it tried to block with its orange,flaming tail.

    "James, I don't have time to talk. Umbreon and I are fighting in Sinnoh." He talked back with a strong voice.

    "So what! Anyway what Pokemon is it...A Bedew?" He rolled his eyes and turned to talk to someone else. In the background I could hear Nurse Joy yelling at some trainers.

    "Charmander. Surprising, eh? Where are you?" He yelled at the same trainers and turned back to me. I saw that the battle was on hold. Looking back at my watch I choose scary face on the Charmander. She roared through to the other Pokemon. It yelped and ran beside it's trainer.

    "Good match, dude." He walked off sadly and sat down on the soft grass.

    "I dunno, Jublife, I think." He said questioning his own judgment.

    "Good, I am close. I will meet you in the Pokemon Center there. Bye." I shut my gear and put it on my bag again. Grabbing my bike I grabbed Umbreon's Pokeball.

    "Umbreon, Return. You did great." I strapped the ball on my belt with my other two Pokemon. I pedaled my way though the forest on my way to Jublife City.
  2. I must say, this is good, but there are a few things that leave me wanting.

    Tenses. You seem to have a mix of both present and past tenses in here, and while that can work on rare occasions, it's not right here, and almost made me think you were typoing at times. There's also a few places where you could use some commas, and there might be some other grammar stuff I looked over. You could also make do with making it a bit longer. Even if this is a prologue, it's a bit short, and it didn't take me more than a minute to get through it, which was a bit saddening. The 'Charms standards for a chapter are 3/4 to a page for a minimum, but going past that is reasonably fine. You don't need to lengthen it, but it would be nice.

    Aside from that and a few typos(and it's Night Slash. Unless it's a move you made up, in which case, I had no idea since it sounded and acted exactly like Night Slash :| But we're not going to form an angry mob and kill you for typos, just so you know. We typo all the time too :D), I'd say this is pretty good and I'd like to read more of it.
    #2 Shocari, Feb 9, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013

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