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Pokemon : Dark Chronicles

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by PhantoAce, May 21, 2009.

  1. Hey Guys, im writing this story just for fun and i wanted to know what you think of it. Basically, a Huge crisis has taken place in Canalave City and Two boys, Shay and Billy run off to go and find a Pokemon on FullMoon Island.


    Chapter 1: Dark Beginning

    The dark being crept through the midnight sky, as if running or hiding from something. The shadow glided through the air, as if seeking for something. Wild Finneon and Lumineon swim away from the surface, trying to escape the reaches of the shadowy being that soon disappeared into an old abandoned Inn.

    Shay awoke in a fright. "A dream......." he told himself. "Just.... a dream.....". He pulled himself up to see his family's pet Pokémon Growlithe. He got up and crept out of his room, down the stairs and turned on the television. ‘Sinnoh Now! You personal portal to whats hip and happening in Sinnoh! Now, its time for Question and answer...'. Slowly, Shay lost focus in the T.V and stared outside, to see people rushing with sleeping, rustling children into hospitals.

    He ran upstairs to check on his little sister. There, twisting and turning, was little sister Maria. "Oh no.......". He knelt down next to his sisters bed, tears filling his eyes. "It can't be. Its just a story." He held his little sister in his hands, kissing her softly on the forehead, wishing and wishing for her to wake up. He gently placed her back in her bed and fell to the floor, holding his head, sending teardrop after teardrop onto the floor, like a thunder storm, his voice as the sounds of the lightning. "No... NO...NOOOO!" He lifted himself up and looked at his little sister. He put her favourite Teddiursa teddy bear next to her head. He tucked her in her bed covers and left her room. He ran into his parent's room, only to find the same thing happening to them.

    He clenched his fist. He couldn't believe this was happening. His walked back to his room, tears swelling up in his eyes. He opened his wardrobe, and took our a grey long sleved shirt and a pair of casual jeans. He put on his converses and got ready to leave.

    Suddenly, a knock came from the door, awakening Growlithe. He barked and barked and barked. Shay locked Growlithe in his room and ran downstairs to the door.

    Just as he went to open the door, a young, white haired boy burst through into the house. "Billy?" said Shay to the boy, putting his hand out to help him up. He stood up and brushed himself down.

    "Ahhh. Shay. Come on, we've got to get to Fullmoon Island." He was bouncing around, excited as usual.

    "Can I just ask, why?" Shay looked at Billy, confused.

    "Don't you see? Its that same thing that happened all those years ago, just like before. You know, the Crescent Moon and the Dark Shadow?"He was still jumping. Shay held him down.

    "THAT'S A FAIRY TALE!" Shay yelled in his face.

    "But its worth a try Shay. Besides, we can try to get us our own Pokémon while we're there." He broke free and grabbed Shay, dragging him with him.

    "Hey! Get off of me!" Billy dragged Shay through the streets. Shay broke free. "Ok, ok... We'll go to FullMoon Island." The boys ran aroung, trying to find someone to take them to FullMoon Island. Soon, they came across the local sailer, Sailor Jenkins.

    "Excuse me Sailor Jenkins, but do you know when the next ferry to FullMoon Island is?" Shay walked up to the Sailor. Shay and Billy both knew the Sailor well. They had both grown up living near him. He oftened visited their houses, to take their Parents on fishing trips. Soon, Sailor Jenkins had had a young boy. Now, when he would go out sailing, the two boys would look after the baby. Sailor Jenkins often offered to pay the boys, but they declined out of kindness.

    "Ah, if it isn't Billy and Shay." The Sailor looked to his house in Sorrow. "Little Jimmy's fallen into a nightmare. I need to go and get a Lunar Wing from FullMoon Island, but I can't jus leave him here on his own. Please boys, go get me one. Go to my Ferry and sail on over there."

    The two boys ran to the City Docks and onto the Ferry, only to find no crew aboard. They clambered through the decks, searching for the Main Deck. Soon, an odd, metallic door, sealed with a large padlock. Shay and Billy nodded to each other and charged at the door. They slammed into the door but failed to open it. Billy grabbed an iron bar and slammed through the padlock, destroying it. The two boys ran into the deck. Shay looked around, searching for the wheel. Soon, he spotted a large wooden wheel. He grabbed the wheel. "Looks like we're going to have to do this ourselves.".


    The ship tore through the waves at an immense speed, flying past Shark like Pokemon and small Islands. Shay began to daydream. 'I wonder what the Pokemon in the Fairy Tale is Right. Is it real? Maybe I can catch it.' Suddenly, in the corner of his eye, he caught a blue and white smudge go shooting past like a Jet. He immediattely leaped towards the window and looked outside. The boat began to stir out of control. Billy reached for the Wheel. "What the hell is wrong with you!" Shay paid no attention. Then, another blur. This time, Red and white.

    "Didn't you see that?!" Billy looked at him in confusion. Shay looked out to the window, but saw nothing. He turned around and took the wheel back from him.

    Soon, the Crescent shape of Fullmoon Island came into view. After pulling the ship into the beach, the walked on into the Sunlit Forest. They slowly strolled through the forest. In the trees, were purple monkeys, walking flowers and little ballerena like creatures. Then, while running, a blue warrior like creature leaped in front of them, blocking them. "Lu...." it growled. Shay looked over the creature's shoulder, to see a blue haired person standing in a Crescent shaped puddle.

    "Lucario." Said the person, "Let them come." . Shay and Billy slowly walked towards the man. He turned to face them. "I do apologise for my Lucario's Behaviour. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Auron, but people tend to call me Eon."

    "Ok," said Shay, " I'm Shay, and this is my friend Bi-"

    "I'm Billy!" interrupted Billy.

    "Look kids, if your looking for the Crescent Pokémon then your too late. As soon as I arrived it fled. I can only assume that it is travelling Sinnoh. I am going to search Sinnoh, and I must ask of your assistance. First off....." He pulled out 2 round spheres from his pocket, "You're going to need these. I will allow you to choose which one you want.".

    Billy Leaped for the one in Eon's left hand. He threw it into the air, shooting out a red beam of light. There, standing on the grass, was a small, brown Pokémon. "Now. That Pokémon is called Eevee. It has many different evolution forms but I would recommend Training it and letting it decide for itself what it shall evolve into. Ahh, now the other one.". He handed Shay the other Sphere, "Well, go on then. Throw it!".

    Shay threw the sphere into the air, sending another red beam towards the ground. Shay then caught the sphere and looked at the creature that the beam had produced. There, stood in the grass, was a small, mouse like creature. It looked up at Shay and twitched it's tail. Shay knelt down and put his hand out to the Pokemon. It slowly moved towards Shay's hand and sniffed it gently. Shay lifted his hand to pat it on the head, but it moved back in hesitation. But, slowly, it crawled back and let Shay pat it on the head. Shay lifted up the creature in its hand and placed it on his shoulder, where it cuddled up and slowly fell asleep.

    "Now that," said Eon, " Is a Pichu. Its a very rare Pokémon in Sinnoh, only found in few places. Its well worth training. And, if you manage it, it can evolve into extremely powerful Pokémon. Now, we need to meet somewhere near Canalave..... How about Route 218?"

    "Perfect!" Replied Shay. Suddenly, from the distance, came a cry of a Pokemon.

    "Oh no." Eon ran further into the Forest, dropping and oddly coloured feather onto the ground. Billy knelt down and picked it up.

    "Think this might be the Lunar Wing Sailor Jenkins was talking about?"

    "I'm not sure." Shay took the feather from Billy and held it up towards the sun. "They say that when light shines on a Lunar Wing, a rainbow is said to appear in the sky. Then, all of a sudden, a great beam of many colours appeared in the sky. "Yep, thats a Lunar Wing alright." Shay put the Lunar Wing in his pocket and began to run back to the Ferry, looking around for Eon as he did. Soon, he spotted a great bird, flying away in the distance. Billy and Shay clambered onto the ship and sailed away, returning to Canalave.
     
    #1 PhantoAce, May 21, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. Um, if this is a story, what is it doing in the rp section?
     
  3. Linkachu

    Linkachu Hero of Pizza
    Staff Member Administrator

    What she said. Fanfics go on the fanfic board (err... general fiction), and if this is a role play I suggest you make it clearer next time.

    Either way, moving this for now.
     
  4. Ok, I mean no offence here, but that was one of the hardest things I've had to follow for a while. Your plot connections are very loose, what with the automatic aussomption by one of your characters that a fairy tale MUST be real and happening right now. As a general rule, a child's nightmare is not something you rush to the hospital about, so unless this has been happening for some time now or is similar to the Sleeping Sickness that occurs in Neil Gaiman's Sandman series.

    Also, you should really work on your spacing. If you have an empty line between each new paragraph and speech it makes it easier to read on a forum layout because there are no idents to speak of. Your tense could use some work as well, as you seem to slip between past and present tense.

    On to some other grammatical points: ellipses, that is the '...', are only ever three periods, no more, no less.

    For some reason you've put a period after the end of speech:
    This isn't needed and interrupts the natural reading flow.
    When using numbers in your text, try to use it as the words, rather than the digits. For example, you have a character saying 'Route 218' this could easily be 'Route two-eighteen'; it's more of an aesthetic issue for me, but it does make the story seem more professional.

    If you added in more description, you wouldn't need to use all-caps to signify that someone is yelling, I refer mostly to the point wherein one of your characters say about the fairy tale. I'd guess that the speaker here is Shay, but that is only a guess. I now that adding in description to conversation can be troublesome, but it is the best way of conveying emotion and thought, especially if one of your characters has a hidden agenda.

    Lastly, how the hell did that kid learn to steal onto and drive a ferry?

    Well, I'm sorry if what I've said has offended you, but I'm only trying to help. The story line looks like it could be very interesting, but it needs fleshing out. This section that you've posted up encompasses a lot of things and with it being very short, much of the background information has been lost.

    (Huh, I've noticed that my points on some of the grammitcal areas, specifically ellipses, could be construed as mini-modding :-X MY BAD, but I can't really think of a way to fix that at the moment. I look like an English teacher in this post.)
     
    #4 Tatile, May 22, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  5. Magpie

    Magpie Feathered Overseer
    Staff Member Moderator

    When trying to help people improve their fiction, pointing out how to improve their grammar wouldn't be considered Mini-Modding in this case, as it's part of the constructive criticism we try to encourage in the artworks/fiction boards.

    Anyway, as to the story, I'd agree with Tatile's points. I think the story seems interesting, though a little rushed. A lot of stuff seems to be happening all at once, without being given proper description or explanation. Your story could easily have had a creepy/strange atmosphere. I know you said that you've written for fun, but some small improvements could make for a very intriguing tale...
     
  6. Thanks guys n when i said Just a Dream i meant that Shay was actually dreaming about the shadow in the sky.
     
  7. Sorry about the last one, im new to this thing but heres the next two chapters!:

    Chapter 2: Setting Off

    The Canalave Docks slowly broke into view. "Billy?" said Shay, "How exactly are we going to go search for that Pokémon without looking after our families? I mean, we can't leave them in that......nightmare.".

    "Don't worry about it," replied Billy, "Not everyone was affected. My parents are A-OK. I'm sure we can convince them to keep an eye on your parents."

    "I hope your right....". Shay lifted Pichu off of his head. "Hey, Billy. I've just had an idea. Why not head over to Sandgem Town first? I bet that Prof. Rowan would lend us a hand. And, you never know, we might get some ‘Training' done."

    "Yeah I guess..." replied Billy in a sad voice.

    "Something wrong Billy?" Shay asked.

    "Well...I was kinda planning on going to Oreburgh City first. Its the nearest place with a Gym and I think it would come in handy. You know, to train."

    "Well I was going to go there aswell. I know! Why don't we meet up there? If you go get your Gym Badge then I will meet you there after I go to Sandgem Town."

    "Then its a plan!" The ferry slowly washed into the docks. Shay and Billy clambered out and walked to Sailor Jenkins house. Shay knocked on the door. Sailor Jenkins immediately grabbed Shay and pulled him into his house.

    "Did ya get it?" Shay held up the Lunar Wing from his pocket. As soon as he did, it began to glow. The intense light, like the shine of the sun, filled the room. Once the light had evaporated, muffled sounds came from Jimmy's bed.

    "Mama?" The young boy said. "Papa?". The boy's head scanned the room. He spotted the Pichu on Shay's shoulder. "Pwokemwon!" Sailor Jenkins looked at the Pichu.

    "How'd you get that?"

    "A guy I met gave me him. His name was Aur- I mean Eon. He gave Billy a... what was it now... an...Eevee! Thats the one!"

    "Oh my!" Mrs Jenkins looked at Pichu. "Aren't you a very lucky boy." Shay walked out of the Sailor's house and met back up with Billy.

    Shay and Billy walked towards the Pokémon Center. They walked towards the automatic door, only to be surprised that it was sealed. Billy peered into the Center, only to see several Pokémon Trainers shaking on the ground. "Billy, you head home to your parents. Tell them what happened. I'll head on over to Route 218 and find Eon."

    "Gotcha. Adios Shay." Shay walked over to the gateway to Route 218 and peered inside. There, patrolling the gates, were 2 night guards. Shay opened the gate and walked inside.

    "Hurry it up kid we gotta close the gate soon." Said the Night Guard. Shay hurried through the chamber and exited through the gate, into Route 218. He walked towards the forest area, tall grass surrounding him, his Pichu resting on his shoulder. Shay sat on a stone, next to the small river separating Canalave and Jubilife. Then, in a burst of light, a strange, eagle like bird appeared in the sky and swooped down towards Shay. He stared at the bird, fixed to the spot. Then, the great bird swooped in to land, carrying a familiar figure.

    "Eon?" asked Shay, "Is that you?"

    "Yep, its me." Replied Eon. "Where's that other kid?"

    "Who Billy? He had to-"

    "HEY!!!". A voice came from the gateway. "WAIT UP!" Billy came sprinting towards them, his Eevee running beside him. "It's done, now what are we waiting for? Lets go!".

    "Hold up." Interrupted Eon, "You guys can't just use one Pokémon each to travel Sinnoh. I know! Are either of you two planning on going to Sandgem Town? I hear there's a Professor that gives away Pokémon to new trainers. Its worth a look, don't ya think?"

    "Well, I'm heading over to Sandgem to see the Professor anyway." Replied Shay. "Can you, by any chance, fly us over to Jubilife?"

    "I can do you one better." Answered Eon, "I can take you to wherever you want. Just hurry up and decide where you're going, its almost night time."

    "Well, Shay can go over to Sandgem but I'm headed over to Oreburgh to train." Billy looked at the great bird in awe. "Do ya think your......bird can fly me over to Oreburgh?"

    "First off," replied Eon, "it's called a Pidgeot. And secondly, yes, and quite quickly. Pidgeot is one of the fastest Pokémon in the world. It can get you from Canalave to Snowpoint in a matter of minutes. Anyway," Eon leapt onto the Pidgeot, "hop on."

    Shay, Eon and Billy flew through the air at high speeds, passing Forests, Rivers and Cities. Soon, the great Pidgeot swooped down to land on Sandgem Beach. "Right then, this is your stop Shay." Yelled Eon. Shay leaped off of the Pidgeot and began to walk along the beach, towards the Town.

    "HEY, YOU!" Yelled a strange voice from the town, calling to Shay. He turned, to see Billy and Eon flying away into the Distance. He began to sprint towards the direction of the voice. There, standing infront of a Laboratory, was a boy in red, wearing and odd looking cloak. "Took your time!"

    "Um....... do I know you?" Questioned Shay.

    "No time for questions, just come with me to the lake." The boy ran towards the forest area. Shay read the sign. ‘Sandgem Town — Lake Verity'. He began to run after the boy. Soon, a break in the Forest appeared, with the boy standing next to it. "Well, come on, lets get in there."

    Chapter 3: Mirage Lake

    The two boys passed through the break in the forest and into a moonlit lakeside, only to be damaged by the sight of heavy machinery.

    "It had better come soon." Said a voice near the machinery. "Otherwise, it'll be the end of the good ol professor." The two boys crept closer, to see a man with an odd, blue crescent like hair style. "Now professor, are you sure you don't want to cooperate like a good little boy?"

    Muffled sounds came from a glowing blue container.

    "I'll take that as a no." Said the mysterious man. Suddenly, a burst of intense light emerged from the lake, revealing a cavern in the centre. Then, an odd Pokémon, barely visible, appeared from the cavern. It flew over the river and, in a flash of colours, destroyed the heavy machinery, then vanished. "Just as I thought. Our technology is still not good enough to withstand an attack from the Being of Emotion. Although, this test does prove of its existence. The boss should be pleased." The man walked away, leaving the wrecked machinery where it was.

    "Come on." Said the boy, "We gotta go rescue the professor." Shay ran over to the glowing container and flicked the odd blue switch. Inside was a smart looking man with a handkerchief wrapped around his mouth, rendering him unable to talk. Shay removed the handkerchief and allowed the man to exit the container. He looked to the boy.

    "Ah, Roran. You took your time. Beginning to worry that that odd man had kidnapped you as well."

    "Professor, I think you should take our guest back to the Laboratory. I'll check the lake."

    "Ah, yes, indeed. Come boy, back to my lab." The Professor and Shay walked away, leaving Roran to take care of the lake. Soon, Shay and the man entered Sandgem Town.

    "Hey Professor! You're back at last!" A yell came from the Lab. "Come on, I got something to show you!" There, in black clothes all over, was a boy, only about 14. Not much taller than Shay.

    "Ah, so it is you Markus. I was expecting you 3 days ago. What took you so long?" Answered the Professor.

    "Well, that rogue Pokémon took longer to catch than you thought. Ran into a bit of trouble with some Honchkrow as well. But, its in the lab, waiting." Shay, the Professor and the boy all entered the Lab, to find a green warrior like Pokémon, with scythes for hands and a scar along its right eye.

    "So it was a Scyther." The Professor walked up to the warrior like Pokémon, examining it carefully. He turned to face Shay. "Oh, do excuse me. My name is Prof. Rowan. I study Pokémon in the land of Sinnoh. This, is one of my assistants, Markus. He has been hunting this Pokémon for a long time now. We simply need to find it a trainer who will take care of it. Oh my, of course. You came here for something? Well, speak up. What is it?" Shay explained everything that had happened at Canalave, about Eon and the Pidgeot.

    "Ah, so you have a Pichu? May I see it?" Shay threw his Sphere into the air, releasing his Pichu, which immediately climbed up onto Shay's shoulder. "Ah, a very rare Pokémon indeed. Only found rarely in the Pokémon Mansion. And you say this ‘Eon' told you I give away Pokémon? PAH! I only give Pokémon to the new Pokémon Trainers. But........would you be willing to take on this Scyther as your own? I will allow you to return it when you wish. So? Will you?"

    Shay looked at his Pichu. "What do you think buddy?" The Pichu looked at Scyther. At first, it shivered. Then, Pichu nodded to Shay. "Ok then. I'll take on your ‘Scyther'."

    "Oh, and one more thing." Interrupted the Prof. "Take this, and record data on every Pokémon that you find." He held out a small red handheld device. Shay took it. "That, is called a Pokédex. All of my assistants have one. Now, take Scyther and head for Jubilife. There, you will find many things that will help you. Try to get a Pokétch. Then, you should be able to locate the Pokémon you are searching for."

    "Thank you Professor" Markus returned Scyther into its ball and handed it to Shay.

    "Take these." Markus handed Shay 4 empty Poké Balls. Catch Wild Pokémon to use yourself. Oh and, good luck. Hopefully we'll meet again someday, in a more, friendly manner."
     
    #7 PhantoAce, May 22, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  8. Sem

    Sem The Last of the Snowmen
    Former Administrator

    Yo. Keep your story in one topic please.
     
  9. Still, you need to work on your detail. You added in a litte, but that's it, only a little. Your introductions are hasty as well; when you introduced Eon, it was some badly done that it came across as though the bird was the one talking, rather than a person. None of characters seem to have sort of physical appearance, which makes it had to imagine the story and feel in any connected to it. They also don't seem to feel emotion nor think that much.

    You've repeated basically every grammatical mistake I pointed out in my first post, which is disheartning to say the least.

    I suggest that you look at the other stories posted here, so that you can get an idea of the sort of quality that makes a good read. Sem's works, as well as Stel's, Pyscho Monkey's, Cody's and Database's are good starts for Pokemon-based work. Nemsis' Who-fiction is also very good, though not Pokemon-based (obviously).
     
  10. Hey guys, Heres Chapter 4!

    Chapter 4: Jubilife Road

    Shay journeyed on into the forest leading to Jubilife City, His new Scyther beside him, and his Pichu balancing on his shoulder.

    "Alright guys," Shay began to talk to his Pokémon, "let's get some training done!" Shay walked towards a load of trees. "Alright Scyther, X Scissor!" The warrior put its scythes into an X shape and sliced clean through tree after tree after tree.

    "Hey, kid." Yelled a voice from the treetops, "Nice Scyther! How about a battle? 2 on 2. Winner gets... Well, I'll think of something."

    "You're on" replied Shay, "Get ready to be beat!"

    "Alright! GO Nosepass!" He threw a Pokéball into the air, and out came a Grey, red nosed Pokémon.

    "Hmm. Come on out Scyther!" Shay's Pokéball went flying into the air, sending a red beam to the floor, revealing the almighty Scyther. "Scyther, use Absorb!" Scyther lunged its scythe into the stone creature's body and began to drain its energy.

    "Counter it with Rock Smash!" Ordered the other trainer. The Nosepass raised its left arm and bashed it into Scyther's head. Scyther backed off but it seemed unharmed.

    "Just like I thought. The extra energy from that absorb was taken away by that mega punch, but that left Scyther with all of his other stamina. Now, Use X Scissor!" Scyther ran at the Nosepass with his arms in a X and slashed the Nosepass at an immense speed, knocking it out instantly.

    "Well played, but I'd like to see you beat my next Pokémon." The trainer returned his Nosepass to its ball and threw out another one. "Come on out, Misdreavus!" Out came an odd, girl like ghost, with a malovent red necklace.

    "I aint afraid of no ghost. Now, Scyther, use Slash!" The warrior ran towards the ghost and slashed with its scythes. To Shay's surprise, the attack went straight through the ghost. "What the..."

    "HA! Nice try! But normal type and fighting type attacks don't work on ghost type. Any good trainer knows that."

    "Then how do you know? Oh, and does that mean Bug type moves will work?"

    "First off, Shut up. Secondly, Yes-"

    "X Scissor!" Scyther slashed into Misdreavus, knocking it out instantly."Victor-"

    "Not so fast!" The Misdreavus seemed to be eating something. It got up, at full strength. "That was a Sitrus Berry. Now, use Shadow Ball!" The ghost drew energy into its hand, making a dark, shadow ball and sending it charging towards Scyther. It hit and knocked out the warrior instantly.

    "Scyther........Return" Shay sent Scyther back into its Pokéball. "Go, Pichu!" Pichu leaped off of Shay's shoulder and onto the battlefield. "Use Thunderbolt!" Pichu charged up energy, sending sparks from its cheeks, and released it at full force on the Misdreavus. The ghost barely managed, but endured the attack. "Use Charge!" Pichu began charging up his energy in his cheeks, sending sparks everywhere. "Now Thunderbolt" Pichu released its energy, sending an extremely powerful burst of electricity into Misdreavus, finishing it off.

    "Wha........ But.....How?" The trainer looked down at his Misdreavus, astonished at what he had witnessed. He returned the ghost into its Pokéball.

    "Nice battle" Said Shay, "What's your name?"

    "I......I'm Michael." Shay realised that the boy was just as in-experienced as him.

    "Look kid, as far as I know, there's a Pokémon Trainer School in Jubilife. How about I take you there?"

    "Really? You'd do that?"

    "Course I would. Now come on, let's go heal up or Pokémon eh?"

    "Yeah." Shay and little Michael walked through the forest to Jubilife City.
     
    #10 PhantoAce, May 24, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  11. That was a much better chapter than your previous ones. You desribed the Pokemon battle well and also used one of my favourite Pokemon types, Ghost :D

    Keep this up, you'll have a good story in no time!
     
  12. Unfortunately, and I hate to say this, but I am closing down Pokemon : Dark Chronicles. I am currently working on a new Fiction. I will be uploading it soon. I may come back to this if I get the Time, but until I announce it, I'm afraid This topic will not have any new posts from me. My apologys for any disappointments this may cause.
     

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