(as the episode begins, we see Bugsy in a lab coat, sitting inside a Pokemon Laboratory, and lecturing
BUGSY: Well, the base stats of PokeMon differ from species to species, but the way a Pokemon grows in different environments and the battles it undergoes raises unique differences from Pokemon to Pokemon of the same species, based on the effort values, terrain, and the varying attacks types and levels of... Oh sod it. I have had ENOUGH! I don't want to do this anymore! I don't want to sit around here, and ramble all day long about statistics, and movesets and whatnot.... I wanted to be...A GYM LEADER! (Enthusiastically, steps out of the lab into the forest-like setting of the Azalea Town gym, tossing off his lab coat and revealing his bug-catcher type outfit. Music begins to play) Defeating trainer after trainer as they walk down the mighty halls of Azalea Gym! The weak! The strong! The mighty combat veterans! The newbies of New Bark! The violent from Violet! The Wannabe masters from all over the world! With my best girlie by my side (Misty walks in) We sing.. sing... sing...
I am a gym leader and i'm OK
I sleep all night and I train all day!
MOUNTIES:
He is a gym leader and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he trains all day!
BUGSY:
I train my 'mons, I eat my lunch
I love to train and fight!
To beat all those damn newbies
just to show them I am right!
MOUNTIES:
He trains his 'mons, He eats his lunch
He loves to train and fight!
To beat all those damn newbies
Just to show them he is right!
BUGSY:
I am a gym leader and i'm OK
I sleep all night and I train all day!
MOUNTIES:
He is a gym leader and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he trains all day!
BUGSY:
I master fighting theory
To beat all kinds of thugs!
I put on insect costumes
And hang around with bugs!
MOUNTIES:
He master fighting theory
To beat all kinds of thugs!
He puts on insect costumes
And hangs around with bugs?!
BUGSY:
I am a gym leader and i'm OK
I sleep all night and I train all day!
MOUNTIES:
He is a Gym Leader and he's OK
He sleeps all night and He trains all day!
BUGSY:
I train all day with compound eyes
and wear chitin armor!
I wish i've been an insect
just like my dear Scizor!
MOUNTIES:
He trains all day with... compound eyes?
and wears chitin armor!?!?!
(Mounties stomp off, Misty slaps Bugsy across the face)
MISTY: Ewwwwwww, I HATE BUGS! You freak!
(The camera pans left, when out of the bushes, a Heracross pops his head. It raises its arms, and knocks off its head, which turns out to be a helmet, under it is a man which looks suspiciously like John Cleese.)
MAN: And now for something completely different.
(Quick scene shift - Pryce is standing under a waterfall, shivering)
PRYCE: IT'S!
(Assorted shots of Pokemon, large feet, Pokeballs, 16 ton weights and characters as a rock-ish version of The Liberty Bell, with Japanese lyrics plays. Somewhere in the credits is the caption
POKE PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS!
CHAPTER 1 - NOCTOWL-STRETCHING TIME
(A wide-angle shot of fields, trees and high grass, a-la Route 120.)
VOICEOVER: In this picture there are forty Kecleons. None of them can be seen.
(Caption: 'HOENN GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')
VOICEOVER: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Greenie of Fortree City, often standing in the way to the gym. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to appear. Greenie, will you appear please?
(Greenie decloaks in the distance. Suddenly there's a flash of light. Offstage, a loud 'PIKA-CHUUUUUUU!' Can be heard, as Greenie is hit by a powerful thunderbolt attack. It falls to the ground, fainted.)
VOICEOVER: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
(Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland)
VOICEOVER: In this picture we cannot see Reddie, Who's related to Greenie through a mutual egg group. Reddie, will you appear, please?
(To the right of the area, Reddie materializes, grinning. Another flash of light and a loud PIIIIIIKA!, as Reddie is also electrocuted to submission.)
(Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle, and a Red Zigzag shape hovering in front of it.)
VOICEOVER: This is Orange of Lavaridge City Gym, known for his flamethrower attack. Orange, will you appear, please? (after a pause - nothing happens) Orange has learnt the first lesson of not being seen - not to appear. However, Since in his level the red zig-zag marking of its belly can't be hidden, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
(A Voltorb falls from the sky, lands on the bush and explodes. Cut to another scene with three bushes with three zig-zag marks in front of them.)
VOICEOVER: Violet, standing on the bridge on route 120 has presented us with a poser. We do not know which zig-zag marking is her and which one is drawn on a transparent plastic pole. But we can soon find out. (An Voltorb falls from on the left-hand bush and explodes, then another Voltorb falls on the right-hand bush and explodes, and lastly a shiny electrode falls on the middle bush in a shower of sparks and explodes. There is a muffled "LEON!" as Violet faints.)
Yes, it was the middle one.
(Cut to a shot of the area around the bridge on Route 120, wild tall grass and all.)
VOICEOVER: Goldie, at a higher level than most other Kecleons, can mask his red marking, and has so hidden himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be under the bridge, inside the river, hiding in the tall grass, up in the tree, in front of that wall, concealed behind that item ball, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's behind that item ball.
(The item ball turns around, revealing that it is really a Voltorb. It blows up, raising a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot of New Bark town, Johto.)
VOICEOVER: Black and White, two Kecleons belonging to a local trainer, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we tried to locate them using the Devon Scope, we found that they had gone away on two weeks overseas. They have apparantly ran off, leaving no mark so we could not find them. However, their Trainer told us where they were.
(The camera pans around and stops on a obvious berry tree, which then blows up. Cut to an 11-year-old-ish kid, a random character, for some odd reason wearing a red shirt.)
VOICEOVER: And here is their trainer.
(A Voltorb lands on his head knocking him out. The Voltorb blows up, leaving the trainer charred-looking, anime-style. Cut to a Littleroot Town)
And this is the town where he was born...
(A pack of wild Voltorbs rushes into the town, exploding randomly)
And this is where the town was...
(The whole region of Hoenn goes up in a massive nuclear explosion...)
(As the explosions happen, the sound of rolling laughter can be heard. Cut to the scene of who's laughing. It is OFFICER JENNY, sitting in an official-looking Pokeforce office. Upon noticing the camera is pointed at her, she instantly becomes serious.)
JENNY: RIGHT! Stop that. It's silly. Now, no one likes a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps Nurse Joy... And some of my partners to the PokeForce... and My cousin in Cattailia City... Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do. But that's no excuse! We'll now watch something nice and historical!
(Caption: Hoenn Region, Circa 2002)
(Sounds of a wagon pulled by Rapidashes, Galloping. This cart, driven by a few random characters is suddenly pulled over by STEVEN, who is riding his Metagross.)
STEVEN: Stand and deliver!
DRIVER: Not on your life! (Metagross uses Hyper Beam, he is thrown into the distance) ... AAAGH!
(FEMALE PASSENGER screams)
STEVEN: Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have had two PP remaining for Hyper Beam here. I know one of them has been used, but the other one hasn't, so that's one of you dead for sure... Or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it, because I'm a very good trainer. Metagross and I train every day... Well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect that I must train Metagross, oh, at least four or five times a week... Or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' training a week... At least... I mean... I reckon I could get it to hit that berry tree over there. Er... The one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the... (heads are coming out of the coach and peering) You see the three berry trees? the third from the left and back a bit - that one - I reckon it could hit that four times out of five... On a good day. Say, with this wind... Say, say, seven times out of ten...
PASSENGER 2: What, that tree there?
STEVEN: Which one?
PASSENGER 2: The big Nanab with the sort of bare branch coming out of the top left.
STEVEN: No, no, no, not that one.
FEMALE PASSENGER: No, no, he means the one over there. Look, you see that one.
PASSENGER 2: Yes.
FEMALE PASSENGER: Well now, go two along to the right.
PASSENGER 1: Just near that little bush.
FEMALE PASSENGER: Well, it's the one just behind it.
PASSENGER 1: Ah! The Pinap!
STEVEN: No, that's not a Pinap. A Pinap's got sort of great clumps of leaves like that... That's either a Nanab or a... er... Razz.
PASSENGER 2: A Razz?
STEVEN: Oh, no not a Razz... What's the... The one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um...
FEMALE PASSENGER: Serrated?
STEVEN: Serrated edges.
PASSENGER 1: A Chesto plant!
STEVEN: That's Right.
PASSENGER 1: That's nothing like a Chesto.
STEVEN: Well it doesn't matter, anyway. Metagross can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point.
PASSENGER 1: Never a Chesto.
STEVEN: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a botany lesson. Now, my fine friends, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the Full Restores you've got.
PASSENGER 2: ... Full Restores?
STEVEN: Yes, Full Restores. Come on, come on.
PASSENGER 1: What do you mean, Full Restores?
STEVEN: Don't try to play for time.
PASSENGER 1: I'm not, but... The *potion* Full Restore?
STEVEN: Yes, that's right.
PASSENGER 2: Well, we haven't got any Full Restores!
FEMALE PASSENGER: Honestly!
STEVEN: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Ever Grande City Pokemart Supply Cart!
PASSENGER 2: Damn!
(They open crates, and hand him spray bottles of full restore, one by one.)
FEMALE PASSENGER: Oh, here you are.
STEVEN: In a bunch, in a bunch!
(They give him the rest of the bottles in crates.)
PASSENGER 2: Sorry.
STEVEN: (straps the crates to the back of his trusty metallic, psychic mount) Come on, Metagross! (Gallops off)
(A scene of Steven, riding his Metagross upon the route - Singers begin singing
SINGERS:
Steven Stone, Steven Stone,
Above the lands he looms!
Steven Stone, Steven Stone,
On his Metagross of Doom!
He steals full restores
And trains Pokemon!
Mr. Stone, Mr. Stone, MR. STONE!
(Suddenly, the scene cuts into the KidsWB Logo)
ANNOUNCER: KidsWB would like to apologize to Nintendo, Game Freak, Creatures Inc. and the Pokemon Company for suggesting that Steven Stone, Pokemon League Champion of the Hoenn Region may commit robbery. Or murder. Or any sort of violent, negative act of felony. I mean, just because he's got a god-moding Metagross that he doesn't want to faint no matter how much damage you inflict on it doesn't automatically mean that he's going to have to heal it all the time! After all, it's not our fault if people get frustrated because he's got Full-Restores up the wa-zoo and there's no way to know how he got so many of those! You see, there's absolutely no way that we, the producers of this series, can adequately predict how our fans and viewers will react without sacrificing things like individual creativity and--
AUDIENCE: (in unison) GET ON WITH IT!!!
ANNOUNCER: (ahem) Well, anyway, we'll now procede to the standard dead flying-type sketch which will be set in the Advanced Generation era for obvious reasons of pointless, flashy GBA graphics.
(scene fades to Fortree City. Falkner flies in on a Pidgeot, which is returned upon landing. He walks near a tree by the Fortree gym, and casually opens a door in it as if was always there. He walks into a Secret Base which seems to look like the the interior of a PokeMon pet shop. Winona, her back to the camera, is sorting out various cages. Falkner looks at her irritably.
FALKNER: I wish to register a complaint.
(Winona keeps doing whatever it is she's doing.)
FALKNER: Hello? Sir?
(Winona turns and glares at Falkner.)
WINONA: What do you mean SIR?
FALKNER: (Apologetically) I'm sorry, It's the viking helmet. (Coughs, then assumes a serious tone.) I would like to register a complaint.
WINONA: I'm on break after a gym battle.
FALKNER: Never mind that, I wish to complain about this... Flying-Type, which I've traded my Pidgey for not half an hour ago in this very base!
WINONA: Oh yes, The Swablu? What's... What's wrong with it?
FALKNER: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, Miss. It's DEAD, that's what's wrong with it!
(Winona looks at Falkner with a rather confused look.)
WINONA: Oh, It's not dead. It's... Fainted. Yeah. My last battle with it didn't go well. But still, remarkable bird, ain't it, sir? Beautiful cloud-feathers...
FALKNER: The Cloud-feathers don't enter into it! It's stone dead!
WINONA: No, it isn't... It's... fainted.
FALKNER: (impatiently) Alrighty then, if it's fainted, I'll heal it!
(Falkner releases Swablu from its Pokeball, where it plops lifelessly to the counter. He draws a revive from his Pocket and sprays the Swablu with it.)
FALKNER: Hello, Mr. Swablu? (sprays it again) I've got a nice Pink PokéBlock for you when you wake up!
(Winona nudges the counter lightly, seemingly unnoticably.)
WINONA: There, he moved!
FALKNER: No it didn't, you nudged the counter!
WINONA: (mock-surprise) Well, I never!
FALKNER: You just did!
(Falkner picks up the Swablu by its cloud-wings and holds it right in front of his face)
FALKNER: (screaming) HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO, SWABLUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! WAKEY WAAAAAKEYYYYYYYY!
(Falkner hits the Swablu against the counter lightly)
FALKNER: (screaming) THIS IS YOUR FIVE O'CLOCK ALARM CAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
(Falkner repeats the Swablu-counter business five times, then drops it, letting it plop to the ground as limply and lifelessly as it is.)
FALKNER: Now that's what I call a dead flying-type!
WINONA: (peers at the Swablu, and with an expert tone replies) It's paralyzed!
FALKNER: (really steamed now) PARALYZED?!
WINONA: Yes, you paralyzed it just as it was restoring its HP! Swablu are easily paralyzed, y'know!
FALKNER: (glares at Winona, and speaks very slowly, raising his voice the longer his speech go.) Now look. Don't play the slippery Huntail with me, this Swablu is definitely deceased. And when I traded you my Pidgey for it about half an hour ago you said that its total lack of movement... Was due to it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged Sing attack!
WINONA: (blushes lightly) Well, It must have been... Pining for the high heavens!
FALKNER: ... PINING FOR THE HIGH HEAVENS?! What sort of talk is that?! Look, Why did it fall flat on its back when I let it out of the PokeBall?
WINONA: Swablus PREFER lying on their backs! Remarkable birds, are they not? Lovely cloudfeathers...
FALKNER: ... Look, I took the liberty of examining that Swablu when I got it back to Violet City Gym, and I found out the only reason it's been in its PokeBall in the first place.... WAS THAT THE POKEBALL HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH!
WINONA: But of COURSE it's been tampered with! If I hadn't messed with its mechanics, that Swablu would have broken out of it, blew the window open with a gust attack, and VOOM!
(Falkner looks at Winona at utter amazement.)
FALKNER: ..... VOOM!? THIS SWABLU WOULDN'T VOOM IF YOU PUT A BLOODY ZAP CANNON ATTACK THROUGH IT! IT'S BLEEDIN' DEMISED!
WINONA: No, it's not! it's PINING!
FALKNER: IT'S NOT PINING, IT'S PASSED ON! THIS SWABLU IS NO MORE. IT HAS CEASED TO BE! IT'S EXPIRED AND GONE TO MEET THE POKEGODS! THIS IS A LATE SWABLU! IT'S A STIFF! BEREFT OF LIFE, IT RESTS IN PEACE! IF YOU HAVEN'T TAMPERED WITH ITS POKEBALL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN RESTING IN MOUNT PYRE! IT'S OFF THE TWIG! FLEW DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE BLEEDIN' CHOIR INVISIBLE! IT F**KIN' SNUFFED IT! ANY OR ALL METABOLIC PROCESSES THAT HAVE MADE THIS SWABLU'S WELL BEING A GROWING CONCERN ARE FROM NOW ON INOPERATIVE!
(slowly, but powerfully)
FALKNER: THIS............... IS AN EX-SWABLU!!!
(Winona just stands there, after assimilating all these facts, looks at Falkner.)
WINONA: Oh.... Are you sure about this?
FALKNER: Yes, I am.
WINONA: Well, I better trade your Pidgey back, then... (She goes offstage to find the Pidgey's Pokeball)
FALKNER: (sighs) Those Hoenn folks are all alike. Y'can't get anythin' out of them without screaming your lungs out!
(Winona walks back in, slowly, and gives Falkner a meaningful look.)
WINONA: Uhh, I checked at the back, and... It seems that I've traded your Pidgey...
FALKNER: I see... I see... I get the picture...
WINONA: For a Milotic.
FALKNER: ... Is it a flying-type?
WINONA: Uhh, no, not really.
FALKNER: Well, then, it's hardly a bloody replacement then, is it?
WINONA: Well... I never really wanted to trade it... It's just that people told me my team was awfully unbalanced. (She starts weeping.)
FALKNER: Well, at least YOURS isn't entirely consisted of half normals....
WINONA: (gazes at Falkner) ... Aww, you're no fun anymore.
(cut to Glacia lying on a bed in a version of her dress that's a bit more revealing.. A Golbat flies in. She turns her head to the Golbat, revealing her neck. And just as the golbat's about to clamp its fangs on Glacia's neck, it spontaneously evolves into Crobat. Glacia opens her eyes and raises an eyebrow.)
GLACIA: .... Aw, you're no fun anymore.
(The Crobat frowns and flies off.)
(ANIMATION: Crobat flying away, looking distraught, not noticing the large tree until it crashes into it. A bunch of Nanab berries fall on screen, covering it. Cut to real Nanab bunch, zoom out to reveal we are now in a Classroom. Officer Jenny is staring at a class of trainees, all in white.)
JENNY: (shouting) Good evening, class!
ALL: (mumbing) Good evening.
JENNY: Where's all the others, then?
ALL: They're not here.
JENNY.: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
ALL : Dunno.
HARRISON: Perhaps they've caught the PokéRus.
JENNY: Huh! 'PokéRus, eh? They should eat more fresh berries! Right. Now... self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a berry!.
(Grumbles from all)
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do berries this week!
JENNY: What do you mean?
THOMPSON: We've done berries the last nine weeks!
JENNY : What's wrong with berries? You think you know it all, eh?
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Can't we do something else?
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
JENNY: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh berries not good enough for you, eh? Boo hoo hoo... WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', MY LAD! WHEN YOU'RE WALKIN' HOME TONIGHT AND SOME GREAT HOMICIDAL MANIAC COMES AFTER YOU WITH A BUNCH OF GREPAS, DON'T COME CRYIN' TO ME! Now, the Aguav! When your assailant lunges at you with an Aguav...
ALL: We've done the Aguav.
JENNY.: What?
HARRISON: We've done the Aguav.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: We done Orans, Lums, Sitrus...
THOMPSON: Whole and segments.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Pomegs, Iapapas...
HARRISON: Hondew, Aguav...
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Wepears....
THOMPSON: Plums...
HARRISON: Magoes in syrup...
JENNY: How about Cheris?
ALL: We did them.
JENNY: Red *and* black?
ALL: There's only red.
JENNY: All right... Nanabs!
(All sigh.)
JENNY: We haven't done them, have we? Right! Nanabs. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a Nanab!
(Jenny walks to the pre-mentioned bunch of Nanabs, rips one off it.)
JENNY: Now, you. Come at me with this Nanab!
(Tosses it to Harrison.)
JENNY: Catch!
(Harrison catches the Nanab)
JENNY: Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a Nanab Fiend! First, you force him to drop the Nanab. Then, you eat the Nanab, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Suppose he's got a bunch.
JENNY: Shut up.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
JENNY: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apicot.
HARRISON: 'Arrison.
Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that Nanab. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then!
(Harrison charges at Jenny with a battle cry. She lets out her Growlithe in the last second and it flamethrowers Harrison. He screams as he's burned to a crisp. The Nanab drops to the floor.)
JENNY : Now, I eat the Nanab!
(Does so.)
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: You incinerated him!
THOMPSON: He's dead!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: He's completely dead!
JENNY: I have now eaten the Nanab. The deceased Mr Apicot, is now 'elpless.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: You incinerated him. You incinerated him dead!
JENNY : Well, he was attacking me with a Nanab.
THOMPSON: But you told him to.
JENNY : Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh berries!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: And pointed sticks.
JENNY : Shut up.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a Nanab and I haven't got a PokéBall with a Growlithe in it?
JENNY : Run for it.
THOMPSON: You could stand and scream for help.
JENNY : Yeah, you try that with a Pinap down your windpipe.
THOMPSON: A Pinap?
JENNY: Where? Where?
THOMPSON: No I just said: a Pinap.
JENNY: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
THOMPSON: What, on the Pinap?
JENNY: Where? Where?
THOMPSON: No, I was just repeating it.
JENNY: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's Nanabs then. Now the Razz. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Pecha!
THOMPSON: Thompson.
JENNY: Thompson. Come at me with that Razz. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
THOMPSON: No.
JENNY: Why not?
THOMPSON: You'll incinerate me.
JENNY: I won't.
THOMPSON: You incinerated Mr. Harrison.
JENNY: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't incinerate you.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
JENNY: Shut up. Come on, brandish that Razz. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
THOMPSON: Put the PokéBall away.
JENNY: I haven't got a PokéBall.
THOMPSON: You have.
JENNY: Haven't.
THOMPSON: The Growlithe that came out of it incinerated Mr. Harrison!
JENNY: Oh, that PokéBall.
THOMPSON: Throw it away.
JENNY: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a Razz -- without a PokéMon..
THOMPSON: ...You were going to incinerate me!
JENNY: I wasn't.
THOMPSON: You were!
JENNY: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...
(Thompson charges at Jenny with bloodshot eyes. Jenny pulls a lever in the wall -- CRASH! a Snorlax falls on Thompson. Muffled scream.)
JENNY: If anyone ever attacks you with a Razz, just pull the lever and the Snorlax will fall on top of him!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Suppose there isn't a Snorlax around?
JENNY : Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Well, how many Snorlaxes are there?
JENNY: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The Snorlax is just *one* way of dealing with a Razz killer. There are millions of others!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: Like what?
JENNY: Incinerating him?
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Well what if you haven't got a Growlithe in a PokéBall OR or a Snorlax?
JENNY: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with Razz. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: No PokeBalls.
JENNY: No.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: No Snorlaxes..
JENNY: No.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: No pointed sticks.
JENNY : Shut up.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: No rocks up in the ceiling.
JENNY: No.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: And you won't kill us.
JENNY: I won't.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Promise.
JENNY: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
MEMBERS OF THE CLASS #2 AND #4: Oh, all right.
JENNY: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the Razz! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with Razz is to - RELEASE THE RAIKOU!!!
(She does so. Roars and screams offscreen)
JENNY: The great advantage of the Raikou in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the berry-laden foe but also the Razz. Raikous however do not relish the Pecha. The Pecha assailant should be attacked with a Feraligatr. Right, now, the rest of you... where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your Kelpsyes and Qualots.... Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
(Explosion. As the dust and smoke clear off, we zoom out again to notice that we have cut to a burning Team Rocket mecha. The following announcement rolls on screen in large letters)
'THROUGH THE YEARS, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RIVAL CRIMINAL ORGANIZATIONS, GIOVANNI, THE BOSS, GAVE NUMEROUS AGENTS LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND THEFT THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS TEAM ROCKET . . .
(Ash, Pikachu, May, Brock and Max are in some random town, idly chatting with each other. They're suddenly approached by Jessie, James and Meowth, who are as ever, disguised badly.)
ASH: You know, these two are lookin' very familiar!
MAX: What do you mean?
ASH: I mean, they look like I've seen them before...
MAY: I'm sure we never did...
ASH: Well, I'm POSITIVE!
BROCK: What?
ASH: That these two are awfully familiar.
JESSIE (In Disguise): Then perhaps you should prepare for trouble!
JAMES (In Disguise): And you might as well make it double!
ASH: Not YOU again... I wasn't expecting Team Rocket!
(TR theme starts! Jessie, James and Meowth throw off their costumes to reveal their TR uniform.)
JESSIE: NOBODY expects Team Rocket! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and mechanical skill.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and mechanical skill... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Boss.... Our *four* ...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise.... We'll do this again.
(TR instantly gets back into their costumes.)
ASH: I wasn't expecting Team Rocket!
(TR theme starts. TR throws off their costumes, to reveal their TR uniform)
JESSIE: NOBODY expects Team Rocket! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, mechanical skill, an almost fanatical devotion to the Boss, and nice, tight white uniforms - Oh damn! (To James) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
JAMES: What?
JESSIE: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
JAMES: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Jessie glares at James and they quickly get suited up AGAIN.)
ASH: (In exhasperation) I wasn't expecting Team Rocket!
(TR theme starts, TR throws off their costumes again)
JAMES: Er.... Nobody...um....
JESSIE: Expects...
JAMES: Expects... Nobody expects ...um... Team ...um...
JESSIE: Rocket.
JAMES: I know, I know! Nobody expects Team Rocket. In fact, those who do expect -
JESSIE: Our chief weapons are...
JAMES: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
JESSIE: Surprise...
JAMES: Surprise and --
JESSIE: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Meowth, read the charges.
MEOWTH: (Reading out of a piece of paper) 'Yer hereby charged that you, on diverse dates, have been an annoying twerp that refused to confer your Pikachu upon Team Rocket. 'To Protect the World from Deva--'
JAMES: That's enough. (To Ash) Now, how do you plead?
ASH: Pikachu's my friend and I won't let you steal it!
JESSIE and JAMES: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Caption: Diabolical Laughter)
JAMES and JESSIE: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Camera on Jessie for a few minutes, caption: Diabolical Hairstyle)
JESSIE: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls herself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Meowth - The Rack-Mech!
(Meowth presses a button, and a tiny mech shaped like a dish-drying rack rolls into the room on tank-esque chains. It is clearly coated with rubber, to prevent the effects of electricity. Jessie looks at it and clenches her teeth in an effort not to lose control. She hums heavily to cover her anger.
JESSIE: You... Right! Tie him down.
(In a quick action, James picks up the rack-mech and holds it up near Ash's arm. Meowth presses a button, and two metallic things extend and clasp loosely around it.)
JESSIE: Right! How do you plead?
ASH: I STILL don't see why I should let you steal my Pikachu.
JESSIE: Ha! Right! Meowth, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Meowth pushes another button, and the rack-mech begins turning its tiny tank-chains quickly, although this doesn't influence anything one bit. Jessie looks at Meowth furiously, Meowth just kinda stands there and shrugs, turning the machine off.)
MEOWTH: I....
JESSIE: (gritting her teeth) I *know*, I know It wasn't designed that way. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to hope the fact we only had enough budget to make a scale model won't change much.
JAMES: That doesn't explain why turning the rack has such a pointless effect.
JESSIE: It makes it all seem so stupid.
MEOWTH: Shall I...?
JESSIE: No, just keep it going and PRETEND, for Giovanni's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Meowth just pushes the button again. However, the rack doesn't spin.)
MEOWTH: I think that It broke.
JESSIE: No, but.. something else is rolling.
JAMES: What?
JESSIE: THE CREDITS!
BUGSY: Well, the base stats of PokeMon differ from species to species, but the way a Pokemon grows in different environments and the battles it undergoes raises unique differences from Pokemon to Pokemon of the same species, based on the effort values, terrain, and the varying attacks types and levels of... Oh sod it. I have had ENOUGH! I don't want to do this anymore! I don't want to sit around here, and ramble all day long about statistics, and movesets and whatnot.... I wanted to be...A GYM LEADER! (Enthusiastically, steps out of the lab into the forest-like setting of the Azalea Town gym, tossing off his lab coat and revealing his bug-catcher type outfit. Music begins to play) Defeating trainer after trainer as they walk down the mighty halls of Azalea Gym! The weak! The strong! The mighty combat veterans! The newbies of New Bark! The violent from Violet! The Wannabe masters from all over the world! With my best girlie by my side (Misty walks in) We sing.. sing... sing...
I am a gym leader and i'm OK
I sleep all night and I train all day!
MOUNTIES:
He is a gym leader and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he trains all day!
BUGSY:
I train my 'mons, I eat my lunch
I love to train and fight!
To beat all those damn newbies
just to show them I am right!
MOUNTIES:
He trains his 'mons, He eats his lunch
He loves to train and fight!
To beat all those damn newbies
Just to show them he is right!
BUGSY:
I am a gym leader and i'm OK
I sleep all night and I train all day!
MOUNTIES:
He is a gym leader and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he trains all day!
BUGSY:
I master fighting theory
To beat all kinds of thugs!
I put on insect costumes
And hang around with bugs!
MOUNTIES:
He master fighting theory
To beat all kinds of thugs!
He puts on insect costumes
And hangs around with bugs?!
BUGSY:
I am a gym leader and i'm OK
I sleep all night and I train all day!
MOUNTIES:
He is a Gym Leader and he's OK
He sleeps all night and He trains all day!
BUGSY:
I train all day with compound eyes
and wear chitin armor!
I wish i've been an insect
just like my dear Scizor!
MOUNTIES:
He trains all day with... compound eyes?
and wears chitin armor!?!?!
(Mounties stomp off, Misty slaps Bugsy across the face)
MISTY: Ewwwwwww, I HATE BUGS! You freak!
(The camera pans left, when out of the bushes, a Heracross pops his head. It raises its arms, and knocks off its head, which turns out to be a helmet, under it is a man which looks suspiciously like John Cleese.)
MAN: And now for something completely different.
(Quick scene shift - Pryce is standing under a waterfall, shivering)
PRYCE: IT'S!
(Assorted shots of Pokemon, large feet, Pokeballs, 16 ton weights and characters as a rock-ish version of The Liberty Bell, with Japanese lyrics plays. Somewhere in the credits is the caption
POKE PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS!
CHAPTER 1 - NOCTOWL-STRETCHING TIME
(A wide-angle shot of fields, trees and high grass, a-la Route 120.)
VOICEOVER: In this picture there are forty Kecleons. None of them can be seen.
(Caption: 'HOENN GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO BE SEEN"')
VOICEOVER: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Greenie of Fortree City, often standing in the way to the gym. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to appear. Greenie, will you appear please?
(Greenie decloaks in the distance. Suddenly there's a flash of light. Offstage, a loud 'PIKA-CHUUUUUUU!' Can be heard, as Greenie is hit by a powerful thunderbolt attack. It falls to the ground, fainted.)
VOICEOVER: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
(Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland)
VOICEOVER: In this picture we cannot see Reddie, Who's related to Greenie through a mutual egg group. Reddie, will you appear, please?
(To the right of the area, Reddie materializes, grinning. Another flash of light and a loud PIIIIIIKA!, as Reddie is also electrocuted to submission.)
(Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle, and a Red Zigzag shape hovering in front of it.)
VOICEOVER: This is Orange of Lavaridge City Gym, known for his flamethrower attack. Orange, will you appear, please? (after a pause - nothing happens) Orange has learnt the first lesson of not being seen - not to appear. However, Since in his level the red zig-zag marking of its belly can't be hidden, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
(A Voltorb falls from the sky, lands on the bush and explodes. Cut to another scene with three bushes with three zig-zag marks in front of them.)
VOICEOVER: Violet, standing on the bridge on route 120 has presented us with a poser. We do not know which zig-zag marking is her and which one is drawn on a transparent plastic pole. But we can soon find out. (An Voltorb falls from on the left-hand bush and explodes, then another Voltorb falls on the right-hand bush and explodes, and lastly a shiny electrode falls on the middle bush in a shower of sparks and explodes. There is a muffled "LEON!" as Violet faints.)
Yes, it was the middle one.
(Cut to a shot of the area around the bridge on Route 120, wild tall grass and all.)
VOICEOVER: Goldie, at a higher level than most other Kecleons, can mask his red marking, and has so hidden himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be under the bridge, inside the river, hiding in the tall grass, up in the tree, in front of that wall, concealed behind that item ball, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's behind that item ball.
(The item ball turns around, revealing that it is really a Voltorb. It blows up, raising a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot of New Bark town, Johto.)
VOICEOVER: Black and White, two Kecleons belonging to a local trainer, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we tried to locate them using the Devon Scope, we found that they had gone away on two weeks overseas. They have apparantly ran off, leaving no mark so we could not find them. However, their Trainer told us where they were.
(The camera pans around and stops on a obvious berry tree, which then blows up. Cut to an 11-year-old-ish kid, a random character, for some odd reason wearing a red shirt.)
VOICEOVER: And here is their trainer.
(A Voltorb lands on his head knocking him out. The Voltorb blows up, leaving the trainer charred-looking, anime-style. Cut to a Littleroot Town)
And this is the town where he was born...
(A pack of wild Voltorbs rushes into the town, exploding randomly)
And this is where the town was...
(The whole region of Hoenn goes up in a massive nuclear explosion...)
(As the explosions happen, the sound of rolling laughter can be heard. Cut to the scene of who's laughing. It is OFFICER JENNY, sitting in an official-looking Pokeforce office. Upon noticing the camera is pointed at her, she instantly becomes serious.)
JENNY: RIGHT! Stop that. It's silly. Now, no one likes a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps Nurse Joy... And some of my partners to the PokeForce... and My cousin in Cattailia City... Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do. But that's no excuse! We'll now watch something nice and historical!
(Caption: Hoenn Region, Circa 2002)
(Sounds of a wagon pulled by Rapidashes, Galloping. This cart, driven by a few random characters is suddenly pulled over by STEVEN, who is riding his Metagross.)
STEVEN: Stand and deliver!
DRIVER: Not on your life! (Metagross uses Hyper Beam, he is thrown into the distance) ... AAAGH!
(FEMALE PASSENGER screams)
STEVEN: Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have had two PP remaining for Hyper Beam here. I know one of them has been used, but the other one hasn't, so that's one of you dead for sure... Or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it, because I'm a very good trainer. Metagross and I train every day... Well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect that I must train Metagross, oh, at least four or five times a week... Or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' training a week... At least... I mean... I reckon I could get it to hit that berry tree over there. Er... The one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the... (heads are coming out of the coach and peering) You see the three berry trees? the third from the left and back a bit - that one - I reckon it could hit that four times out of five... On a good day. Say, with this wind... Say, say, seven times out of ten...
PASSENGER 2: What, that tree there?
STEVEN: Which one?
PASSENGER 2: The big Nanab with the sort of bare branch coming out of the top left.
STEVEN: No, no, no, not that one.
FEMALE PASSENGER: No, no, he means the one over there. Look, you see that one.
PASSENGER 2: Yes.
FEMALE PASSENGER: Well now, go two along to the right.
PASSENGER 1: Just near that little bush.
FEMALE PASSENGER: Well, it's the one just behind it.
PASSENGER 1: Ah! The Pinap!
STEVEN: No, that's not a Pinap. A Pinap's got sort of great clumps of leaves like that... That's either a Nanab or a... er... Razz.
PASSENGER 2: A Razz?
STEVEN: Oh, no not a Razz... What's the... The one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um...
FEMALE PASSENGER: Serrated?
STEVEN: Serrated edges.
PASSENGER 1: A Chesto plant!
STEVEN: That's Right.
PASSENGER 1: That's nothing like a Chesto.
STEVEN: Well it doesn't matter, anyway. Metagross can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point.
PASSENGER 1: Never a Chesto.
STEVEN: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a botany lesson. Now, my fine friends, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the Full Restores you've got.
PASSENGER 2: ... Full Restores?
STEVEN: Yes, Full Restores. Come on, come on.
PASSENGER 1: What do you mean, Full Restores?
STEVEN: Don't try to play for time.
PASSENGER 1: I'm not, but... The *potion* Full Restore?
STEVEN: Yes, that's right.
PASSENGER 2: Well, we haven't got any Full Restores!
FEMALE PASSENGER: Honestly!
STEVEN: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Ever Grande City Pokemart Supply Cart!
PASSENGER 2: Damn!
(They open crates, and hand him spray bottles of full restore, one by one.)
FEMALE PASSENGER: Oh, here you are.
STEVEN: In a bunch, in a bunch!
(They give him the rest of the bottles in crates.)
PASSENGER 2: Sorry.
STEVEN: (straps the crates to the back of his trusty metallic, psychic mount) Come on, Metagross! (Gallops off)
(A scene of Steven, riding his Metagross upon the route - Singers begin singing
SINGERS:
Steven Stone, Steven Stone,
Above the lands he looms!
Steven Stone, Steven Stone,
On his Metagross of Doom!
He steals full restores
And trains Pokemon!
Mr. Stone, Mr. Stone, MR. STONE!
(Suddenly, the scene cuts into the KidsWB Logo)
ANNOUNCER: KidsWB would like to apologize to Nintendo, Game Freak, Creatures Inc. and the Pokemon Company for suggesting that Steven Stone, Pokemon League Champion of the Hoenn Region may commit robbery. Or murder. Or any sort of violent, negative act of felony. I mean, just because he's got a god-moding Metagross that he doesn't want to faint no matter how much damage you inflict on it doesn't automatically mean that he's going to have to heal it all the time! After all, it's not our fault if people get frustrated because he's got Full-Restores up the wa-zoo and there's no way to know how he got so many of those! You see, there's absolutely no way that we, the producers of this series, can adequately predict how our fans and viewers will react without sacrificing things like individual creativity and--
AUDIENCE: (in unison) GET ON WITH IT!!!
ANNOUNCER: (ahem) Well, anyway, we'll now procede to the standard dead flying-type sketch which will be set in the Advanced Generation era for obvious reasons of pointless, flashy GBA graphics.
(scene fades to Fortree City. Falkner flies in on a Pidgeot, which is returned upon landing. He walks near a tree by the Fortree gym, and casually opens a door in it as if was always there. He walks into a Secret Base which seems to look like the the interior of a PokeMon pet shop. Winona, her back to the camera, is sorting out various cages. Falkner looks at her irritably.
FALKNER: I wish to register a complaint.
(Winona keeps doing whatever it is she's doing.)
FALKNER: Hello? Sir?
(Winona turns and glares at Falkner.)
WINONA: What do you mean SIR?
FALKNER: (Apologetically) I'm sorry, It's the viking helmet. (Coughs, then assumes a serious tone.) I would like to register a complaint.
WINONA: I'm on break after a gym battle.
FALKNER: Never mind that, I wish to complain about this... Flying-Type, which I've traded my Pidgey for not half an hour ago in this very base!
WINONA: Oh yes, The Swablu? What's... What's wrong with it?
FALKNER: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, Miss. It's DEAD, that's what's wrong with it!
(Winona looks at Falkner with a rather confused look.)
WINONA: Oh, It's not dead. It's... Fainted. Yeah. My last battle with it didn't go well. But still, remarkable bird, ain't it, sir? Beautiful cloud-feathers...
FALKNER: The Cloud-feathers don't enter into it! It's stone dead!
WINONA: No, it isn't... It's... fainted.
FALKNER: (impatiently) Alrighty then, if it's fainted, I'll heal it!
(Falkner releases Swablu from its Pokeball, where it plops lifelessly to the counter. He draws a revive from his Pocket and sprays the Swablu with it.)
FALKNER: Hello, Mr. Swablu? (sprays it again) I've got a nice Pink PokéBlock for you when you wake up!
(Winona nudges the counter lightly, seemingly unnoticably.)
WINONA: There, he moved!
FALKNER: No it didn't, you nudged the counter!
WINONA: (mock-surprise) Well, I never!
FALKNER: You just did!
(Falkner picks up the Swablu by its cloud-wings and holds it right in front of his face)
FALKNER: (screaming) HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO, SWABLUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! WAKEY WAAAAAKEYYYYYYYY!
(Falkner hits the Swablu against the counter lightly)
FALKNER: (screaming) THIS IS YOUR FIVE O'CLOCK ALARM CAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
(Falkner repeats the Swablu-counter business five times, then drops it, letting it plop to the ground as limply and lifelessly as it is.)
FALKNER: Now that's what I call a dead flying-type!
WINONA: (peers at the Swablu, and with an expert tone replies) It's paralyzed!
FALKNER: (really steamed now) PARALYZED?!
WINONA: Yes, you paralyzed it just as it was restoring its HP! Swablu are easily paralyzed, y'know!
FALKNER: (glares at Winona, and speaks very slowly, raising his voice the longer his speech go.) Now look. Don't play the slippery Huntail with me, this Swablu is definitely deceased. And when I traded you my Pidgey for it about half an hour ago you said that its total lack of movement... Was due to it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged Sing attack!
WINONA: (blushes lightly) Well, It must have been... Pining for the high heavens!
FALKNER: ... PINING FOR THE HIGH HEAVENS?! What sort of talk is that?! Look, Why did it fall flat on its back when I let it out of the PokeBall?
WINONA: Swablus PREFER lying on their backs! Remarkable birds, are they not? Lovely cloudfeathers...
FALKNER: ... Look, I took the liberty of examining that Swablu when I got it back to Violet City Gym, and I found out the only reason it's been in its PokeBall in the first place.... WAS THAT THE POKEBALL HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH!
WINONA: But of COURSE it's been tampered with! If I hadn't messed with its mechanics, that Swablu would have broken out of it, blew the window open with a gust attack, and VOOM!
(Falkner looks at Winona at utter amazement.)
FALKNER: ..... VOOM!? THIS SWABLU WOULDN'T VOOM IF YOU PUT A BLOODY ZAP CANNON ATTACK THROUGH IT! IT'S BLEEDIN' DEMISED!
WINONA: No, it's not! it's PINING!
FALKNER: IT'S NOT PINING, IT'S PASSED ON! THIS SWABLU IS NO MORE. IT HAS CEASED TO BE! IT'S EXPIRED AND GONE TO MEET THE POKEGODS! THIS IS A LATE SWABLU! IT'S A STIFF! BEREFT OF LIFE, IT RESTS IN PEACE! IF YOU HAVEN'T TAMPERED WITH ITS POKEBALL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN RESTING IN MOUNT PYRE! IT'S OFF THE TWIG! FLEW DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE BLEEDIN' CHOIR INVISIBLE! IT F**KIN' SNUFFED IT! ANY OR ALL METABOLIC PROCESSES THAT HAVE MADE THIS SWABLU'S WELL BEING A GROWING CONCERN ARE FROM NOW ON INOPERATIVE!
(slowly, but powerfully)
FALKNER: THIS............... IS AN EX-SWABLU!!!
(Winona just stands there, after assimilating all these facts, looks at Falkner.)
WINONA: Oh.... Are you sure about this?
FALKNER: Yes, I am.
WINONA: Well, I better trade your Pidgey back, then... (She goes offstage to find the Pidgey's Pokeball)
FALKNER: (sighs) Those Hoenn folks are all alike. Y'can't get anythin' out of them without screaming your lungs out!
(Winona walks back in, slowly, and gives Falkner a meaningful look.)
WINONA: Uhh, I checked at the back, and... It seems that I've traded your Pidgey...
FALKNER: I see... I see... I get the picture...
WINONA: For a Milotic.
FALKNER: ... Is it a flying-type?
WINONA: Uhh, no, not really.
FALKNER: Well, then, it's hardly a bloody replacement then, is it?
WINONA: Well... I never really wanted to trade it... It's just that people told me my team was awfully unbalanced. (She starts weeping.)
FALKNER: Well, at least YOURS isn't entirely consisted of half normals....
WINONA: (gazes at Falkner) ... Aww, you're no fun anymore.
(cut to Glacia lying on a bed in a version of her dress that's a bit more revealing.. A Golbat flies in. She turns her head to the Golbat, revealing her neck. And just as the golbat's about to clamp its fangs on Glacia's neck, it spontaneously evolves into Crobat. Glacia opens her eyes and raises an eyebrow.)
GLACIA: .... Aw, you're no fun anymore.
(The Crobat frowns and flies off.)
(ANIMATION: Crobat flying away, looking distraught, not noticing the large tree until it crashes into it. A bunch of Nanab berries fall on screen, covering it. Cut to real Nanab bunch, zoom out to reveal we are now in a Classroom. Officer Jenny is staring at a class of trainees, all in white.)
JENNY: (shouting) Good evening, class!
ALL: (mumbing) Good evening.
JENNY: Where's all the others, then?
ALL: They're not here.
JENNY.: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
ALL : Dunno.
HARRISON: Perhaps they've caught the PokéRus.
JENNY: Huh! 'PokéRus, eh? They should eat more fresh berries! Right. Now... self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a berry!.
(Grumbles from all)
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do berries this week!
JENNY: What do you mean?
THOMPSON: We've done berries the last nine weeks!
JENNY : What's wrong with berries? You think you know it all, eh?
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Can't we do something else?
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
JENNY: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh berries not good enough for you, eh? Boo hoo hoo... WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', MY LAD! WHEN YOU'RE WALKIN' HOME TONIGHT AND SOME GREAT HOMICIDAL MANIAC COMES AFTER YOU WITH A BUNCH OF GREPAS, DON'T COME CRYIN' TO ME! Now, the Aguav! When your assailant lunges at you with an Aguav...
ALL: We've done the Aguav.
JENNY.: What?
HARRISON: We've done the Aguav.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: We done Orans, Lums, Sitrus...
THOMPSON: Whole and segments.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Pomegs, Iapapas...
HARRISON: Hondew, Aguav...
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Wepears....
THOMPSON: Plums...
HARRISON: Magoes in syrup...
JENNY: How about Cheris?
ALL: We did them.
JENNY: Red *and* black?
ALL: There's only red.
JENNY: All right... Nanabs!
(All sigh.)
JENNY: We haven't done them, have we? Right! Nanabs. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a Nanab!
(Jenny walks to the pre-mentioned bunch of Nanabs, rips one off it.)
JENNY: Now, you. Come at me with this Nanab!
(Tosses it to Harrison.)
JENNY: Catch!
(Harrison catches the Nanab)
JENNY: Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a Nanab Fiend! First, you force him to drop the Nanab. Then, you eat the Nanab, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Suppose he's got a bunch.
JENNY: Shut up.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
JENNY: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apicot.
HARRISON: 'Arrison.
Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that Nanab. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then!
(Harrison charges at Jenny with a battle cry. She lets out her Growlithe in the last second and it flamethrowers Harrison. He screams as he's burned to a crisp. The Nanab drops to the floor.)
JENNY : Now, I eat the Nanab!
(Does so.)
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: You incinerated him!
THOMPSON: He's dead!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: He's completely dead!
JENNY: I have now eaten the Nanab. The deceased Mr Apicot, is now 'elpless.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: You incinerated him. You incinerated him dead!
JENNY : Well, he was attacking me with a Nanab.
THOMPSON: But you told him to.
JENNY : Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh berries!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: And pointed sticks.
JENNY : Shut up.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a Nanab and I haven't got a PokéBall with a Growlithe in it?
JENNY : Run for it.
THOMPSON: You could stand and scream for help.
JENNY : Yeah, you try that with a Pinap down your windpipe.
THOMPSON: A Pinap?
JENNY: Where? Where?
THOMPSON: No I just said: a Pinap.
JENNY: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
THOMPSON: What, on the Pinap?
JENNY: Where? Where?
THOMPSON: No, I was just repeating it.
JENNY: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's Nanabs then. Now the Razz. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Pecha!
THOMPSON: Thompson.
JENNY: Thompson. Come at me with that Razz. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
THOMPSON: No.
JENNY: Why not?
THOMPSON: You'll incinerate me.
JENNY: I won't.
THOMPSON: You incinerated Mr. Harrison.
JENNY: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't incinerate you.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
JENNY: Shut up. Come on, brandish that Razz. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
THOMPSON: Put the PokéBall away.
JENNY: I haven't got a PokéBall.
THOMPSON: You have.
JENNY: Haven't.
THOMPSON: The Growlithe that came out of it incinerated Mr. Harrison!
JENNY: Oh, that PokéBall.
THOMPSON: Throw it away.
JENNY: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a Razz -- without a PokéMon..
THOMPSON: ...You were going to incinerate me!
JENNY: I wasn't.
THOMPSON: You were!
JENNY: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...
(Thompson charges at Jenny with bloodshot eyes. Jenny pulls a lever in the wall -- CRASH! a Snorlax falls on Thompson. Muffled scream.)
JENNY: If anyone ever attacks you with a Razz, just pull the lever and the Snorlax will fall on top of him!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Suppose there isn't a Snorlax around?
JENNY : Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Well, how many Snorlaxes are there?
JENNY: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The Snorlax is just *one* way of dealing with a Razz killer. There are millions of others!
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: Like what?
JENNY: Incinerating him?
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Well what if you haven't got a Growlithe in a PokéBall OR or a Snorlax?
JENNY: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with Razz. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: No PokeBalls.
JENNY: No.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: No Snorlaxes..
JENNY: No.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #4: No pointed sticks.
JENNY : Shut up.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: No rocks up in the ceiling.
JENNY: No.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: And you won't kill us.
JENNY: I won't.
MEMBER OF THE CLASS #2: Promise.
JENNY: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
MEMBERS OF THE CLASS #2 AND #4: Oh, all right.
JENNY: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the Razz! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with Razz is to - RELEASE THE RAIKOU!!!
(She does so. Roars and screams offscreen)
JENNY: The great advantage of the Raikou in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the berry-laden foe but also the Razz. Raikous however do not relish the Pecha. The Pecha assailant should be attacked with a Feraligatr. Right, now, the rest of you... where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your Kelpsyes and Qualots.... Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
(Explosion. As the dust and smoke clear off, we zoom out again to notice that we have cut to a burning Team Rocket mecha. The following announcement rolls on screen in large letters)
'THROUGH THE YEARS, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RIVAL CRIMINAL ORGANIZATIONS, GIOVANNI, THE BOSS, GAVE NUMEROUS AGENTS LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND THEFT THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS TEAM ROCKET . . .
(Ash, Pikachu, May, Brock and Max are in some random town, idly chatting with each other. They're suddenly approached by Jessie, James and Meowth, who are as ever, disguised badly.)
ASH: You know, these two are lookin' very familiar!
MAX: What do you mean?
ASH: I mean, they look like I've seen them before...
MAY: I'm sure we never did...
ASH: Well, I'm POSITIVE!
BROCK: What?
ASH: That these two are awfully familiar.
JESSIE (In Disguise): Then perhaps you should prepare for trouble!
JAMES (In Disguise): And you might as well make it double!
ASH: Not YOU again... I wasn't expecting Team Rocket!
(TR theme starts! Jessie, James and Meowth throw off their costumes to reveal their TR uniform.)
JESSIE: NOBODY expects Team Rocket! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and mechanical skill.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and mechanical skill... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Boss.... Our *four* ...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise.... We'll do this again.
(TR instantly gets back into their costumes.)
ASH: I wasn't expecting Team Rocket!
(TR theme starts. TR throws off their costumes, to reveal their TR uniform)
JESSIE: NOBODY expects Team Rocket! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, mechanical skill, an almost fanatical devotion to the Boss, and nice, tight white uniforms - Oh damn! (To James) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
JAMES: What?
JESSIE: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
JAMES: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Jessie glares at James and they quickly get suited up AGAIN.)
ASH: (In exhasperation) I wasn't expecting Team Rocket!
(TR theme starts, TR throws off their costumes again)
JAMES: Er.... Nobody...um....
JESSIE: Expects...
JAMES: Expects... Nobody expects ...um... Team ...um...
JESSIE: Rocket.
JAMES: I know, I know! Nobody expects Team Rocket. In fact, those who do expect -
JESSIE: Our chief weapons are...
JAMES: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
JESSIE: Surprise...
JAMES: Surprise and --
JESSIE: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Meowth, read the charges.
MEOWTH: (Reading out of a piece of paper) 'Yer hereby charged that you, on diverse dates, have been an annoying twerp that refused to confer your Pikachu upon Team Rocket. 'To Protect the World from Deva--'
JAMES: That's enough. (To Ash) Now, how do you plead?
ASH: Pikachu's my friend and I won't let you steal it!
JESSIE and JAMES: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Caption: Diabolical Laughter)
JAMES and JESSIE: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Camera on Jessie for a few minutes, caption: Diabolical Hairstyle)
JESSIE: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls herself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Meowth - The Rack-Mech!
(Meowth presses a button, and a tiny mech shaped like a dish-drying rack rolls into the room on tank-esque chains. It is clearly coated with rubber, to prevent the effects of electricity. Jessie looks at it and clenches her teeth in an effort not to lose control. She hums heavily to cover her anger.
JESSIE: You... Right! Tie him down.
(In a quick action, James picks up the rack-mech and holds it up near Ash's arm. Meowth presses a button, and two metallic things extend and clasp loosely around it.)
JESSIE: Right! How do you plead?
ASH: I STILL don't see why I should let you steal my Pikachu.
JESSIE: Ha! Right! Meowth, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Meowth pushes another button, and the rack-mech begins turning its tiny tank-chains quickly, although this doesn't influence anything one bit. Jessie looks at Meowth furiously, Meowth just kinda stands there and shrugs, turning the machine off.)
MEOWTH: I....
JESSIE: (gritting her teeth) I *know*, I know It wasn't designed that way. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to hope the fact we only had enough budget to make a scale model won't change much.
JAMES: That doesn't explain why turning the rack has such a pointless effect.
JESSIE: It makes it all seem so stupid.
MEOWTH: Shall I...?
JESSIE: No, just keep it going and PRETEND, for Giovanni's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Meowth just pushes the button again. However, the rack doesn't spin.)
MEOWTH: I think that It broke.
JESSIE: No, but.. something else is rolling.
JAMES: What?
JESSIE: THE CREDITS!
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