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Miguel the Magnemite

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Nim, Jul 12, 2010.

  1. Nim

    Nim

    Well, this is a little story which I have decided to write. It is the first story I have ever written apart from ones I have done for school assignments.

    It is certainly not the best storyline and is extremely short but I wanted to start out small as to work my way up in the world of writing so I don't waste my good ideas and write them poorly. Enjoy ~
    --------------------------------------------------
    Miguel the Magnemite
    By Nim

    Miguel awoke to the sound of laughter from the other pokemon. He opened his eye and looked around and saw exactly the scene he had expected. He had managed get stuck to the power generator at the Kanto Power Plant again.

    "Should we help him?" Ampharos questioned the other electric pokemon.

    "No, he looks as though he is part of that machine with all of those screws in is head." said Electabuzz smugly, " besides he is made of metal, he can hardly be called one of us!"

    Luxio and Jolteon laughed in agreement as the electric pokemon left Miguel attached to the machine that was supplying power to the rest of the region that none of them even knew existed.

    ------

    Later that morning the workers arrived at the power plant to perform their daily duties.

    "Hahaha, look Phil, that Magnemite has gotten itself stuck to that generator again, how entertaining." one of the workers said haughtily.

    "Arrrghhh! That thing is always getting stuck in there and messing up the circuits with it's magnets." Phil said frustratedly.

    "Lets get it out of there before the boss finds out!" the first worker exclaimed.

    ------

    "Why doesn't anyone like me?" Miguel thought to himself, "I may be made of metal but I am still an electric pokemon."

    That was when Miguel decided that he would leave the power plant. He had always wondered what was out there beyond the mountains. What was he doing somewhere like this when there was obviously no place for him.

    ------

    The next morning Miguel left before any of the other pokemon awoke. He headed up the river from which he had seen the boats that carried the workers in and out of the Power Pant area each morning.

    Dark clowds appeared over head as he made his way up the river. The rain started to get too heavy so he had to take a break in a nearby cave slightly offshore. He zoomed toward the mouth of the cave as fast as he could and let out a small sigh of releif as he became sheltered from the growing storm.

    Miguel sat on a rock and thought about his life he was leaving behind when suddenly something collided with his magnet-like hands.
    "Ahhhhh!" Miguel screamed as he saw a pair of eyes next to him. The eyes appeared to belong to a disc shaped pokemon.

    Without further ado the stranger let out a bleat and the ground began to shake violently. Another figured charged towards Miguel from behind a boulder as a giant serpent emerged from the ground. The charging figure knocked him into the wall and causing him to faint.

    ------

    Miguel awoke to three pairs of eyes staring down at him.

    "Sorry about my friend injuring you earlier" said one of the pokemon. "My name is Bronzor and these are my friends; Aron and Steelix."

    "Welcome to our home." Steelix said with a cheesy grin.

    "Sorry about hurting you before, I thought you were trying to hurt Bronzor." Aron apologised.

    "Ummm, that's ok....... I guess?" Miguel said wearily. " Wait a second, you guys look like me! I mean you are made of metal!"

    "Yeah, that's because we are Steel Pokemon," said Bronzor, " Aron, I think you might have scattered this guys brain when you used Take Down on him."

    "Wait, but I thought I was an electric pokemon?" Miguel questioned.

    "You probably are," Bronzor said, " You can be both, just like how I am a steel type and a psychic type."

    "And I am a steel type and a rock type!" cheered Aron.

    "Oh, and I'm a steel and a ground type....... I think." Steelix pondered.

    "Oh, well you see, I live at the Power Plant and everyone down there is only electric and I am the only one that is part steel." Miguel said.

    "Oh really, what is it like down there?" Bronzor asked.

    Miguel began to explain how hard it was for him down at the Plant and how he had always been teased and is now looking for a better place to live.

    "Why don't you live with us?" Steelix suggested.

    "That's an excellent idea, Steelix." Bronzor agreed.

    "That'd be a first." Aron said under his breath.

    "You mean it, I can really live with you guys?" Miguel said excitedly.

    "Why on earth not, you seem pretty nice."

    "Yippee!" Miguel cheered as he embraced Bronzor, Aron and Steelix's tail.

    ------

    And that is how Miguel the Magnemite met his best friends Bronzor, Aron, and Steelix.

    I hope you enjoyed this short little story. Please comment on how I can improve my overall writing ability and what you thought I did well with my story.
    I look forward to writing more fics and reading alot of yours.

    P.S: Thanks to Sem for the thread about how to write better it really helped me while I was planning this Story.
     
    #1 Nim, Jul 12, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  2. Oh my gosh~ ♥

    That was so deliciously sweeet! The story may be short, Nim, but it was undeniably cute and I smiled the whole way through. Though it may be simplistic, that's what made this little writing work! All the little morals of friendship and acceptance and the themes of not being accepted tie into so many other people's lives it just makes it all the more sweet. In this case, the story didn't need to be terribly descriptive because the dialogue had said it all ♥

    And heavens, I can't stop smiling at it ♥

    If you did want to do a full blown little story, you might consider detailing movements and descriptions of the places Magnemite ended up in, like what the Power Plant looked like to him. Possibly describing the Ampharos' and others general appearance could aid too, as leading from the sound of laughter from other Pokemon into plain old Ampharos talking makes it a bit rough. However, this story is still lovely, just develop the type of style that works for you, cause this suited you nicely in my opinion ♥

    I'm not saying to change anything from this, cause this is too huggable, but if you decide to continue writing in the future, mayyybe it would help~? I dunno :>
     
  3. awwwwwww ♥

    this

    this is adorable, Nim :'D
    Miguel is so cute and innocent and I'm glad he found a new home where he fits in a little better.

    Um, as for improvement I think it was good for the most part, aside from the rare grammar mistake. But they weren't really too noticable or distracting, so whatever :>
     
  4. Gah, you two beat me XD

    I agree with Virgil and Tangrow here. This story is absolutely adorable in its simplicity. It's rare that I come across fics that can pull off having little description, but you did. I love how you made an inorganic Pokemon like Magnemite have feelings and emotions. Miguel is so ♥ I can so picture this story having really cute illustrations ♥ Like Virgil said, I only saw a few minor grammar mistakes, but overall it was great. Your writing style stands out in a good way XD

    So yes, I love your short story!
     
  5. Sir Red

    Sir Red Charms' Caped Crusader

    I adore how this story is so simple and touching. It really reminds me of a bedtime story, and your morals really reinforce that so well. Everything about the story is just so cute and warm and fuzzy, it's just very refreshing to read. -^^- You have a rather unique writing style and the amount of description that you included for the story is able to work because of said style.

    I'll be excited to see what you do next. -^^-
     
  6. This story is adorable, just like everyone else said ^^

    You did a great job writing it, even if it is a bit simple. I might suggest, like Tangrow said, detailing things a bit more. But really, this is great as it is :D
     
  7. Sem

    Sem The Last of the Snowmen
    Former Administrator

    Not bad for your first time =o It did lack description, but it was meant to be short and the dialogue made it seem like it didn't really need it too much. So yeah, keeping working at it =)

    Also, glad my thread was able to help you.
     
    #7 Sem, Jul 13, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  8. Nim

    Nim

    Thanks so much for the advice and praise! I am planning on doing some more story in the near future and I will definatley try and put more description in them. I really didn't expect this many people liking it ^^
     
  9. Baw, how cute! Like someone above me already said, it reminds me of an adorable bedtime story. It's sweet and easy to get an idea of what's going on. It would be really cool with some pictures. And it would be easy to make a little series out of it too. Yay.
     

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