Memories of a Felt Operative

[Rex]

Explanation: This is a fan fic I made for MSPA, following the characters that make up the gang known as The Felt. It's the first part of a series that I originally planned to go only on their Fan Fiction Topic (Topic, not Forum) but since things are so slow there I might as well put it here. If you are confused, read the Intermission on Homestuck, starting here: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003054

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When you work with The Felt, you can be sure that somewhere, something interesting is happening. Itchy couldn't go five minutes without pulling a prank on someone, and the only ones safe from his antics were Clover, Snowman, Stitch, and Lord English himself. So while I worked with them, I found that I spent a lot of time guarding the vault with Clover, and his mindless bodyguards Eggs and Biscuits. I remember one day in particular, when Die finally came to us, fed up with Itchy...

It was a very slow day, I was engaged in conversation with Clover; his idiotic bodyguards had just made their appearances, and were standing around, doing nothing important. Suddenly Die appeared in the middle of the room, coming from one of the numerous timelines he traveled between. After he'd shaken off his bewildered look, he approached the two of us, obviously intent on getting something off his chest.

"Damn that Itchy!" he yelled once we were within earshot, "his antics have gotten him killed in more timelines then I care to count!"

Die was a bit of a sucker, always willing to play a game with someone, even if he knew he would lose. Itchy was always there to engage him in a game of poker, which normally ended with him fuming over his latest loss.

"I keep telling you not to play with him," Clover responded, in his normal sing-song-like voice.

"Even in timelines that Diamonds Droog, Hearts Boxcars, and Clubs Deuce are dead in he has been killed because he pranked the wrong guy," Die grumbled, oblivious to Clover's advice.

Diamonds Droog, Hearts Boxcars, and Clubs Deuce, three names that meant little to me; apparently, in many of the timelines Die travels to, those three, along with Mayor Spades Slick, had formed a gang called the Midnight Crew. In this timeline, their pins are in Die's voodoo doll. I asked him once why he doesn't have Slick's pin to the doll, and he tells me that if Slick wasn't around, then the town never would have come into existence. So instead, Slick's gang member's pins were. They must have been a bad influence on the mayor; he was such a nice man in this timeline. Of course, Lord English had him under his thumb at all times.

"Calm yourself Die, unless you want to scare Eggs again," Clover called to his comrade.

Die looked back at Clover's two guards. Biscuits had hidden in his oven the moment Die appeared, Eggs, however, had stayed, and was looking at Die like the moron he was. Die shook his head, and came closer to me and Clover, before continuing in a more civil tongue.

"Surely you two must agree with me, Itchy is a menace," he sighed.

"Yes," Clover agreed, "but he is a useful menace, especially since Doze keeps getting captured."

"Itchy does make life here a little easier, even if he has his annoyances," I said to Die.

"Itchy and Doze, we get along well enough without them in other timelines," Die muttered.

It was at that moment that Itchy made his appearance, zipping into the room so fast that it was as if he had appeared as suddenly as Die did.

"Speak of the devil!" Clover called gleefully.

Itchy responded with something incomprehensible, he obviously hadn't slowed down time for himself yet. We waited for him to return to normal speed, before he spoke again.

"Hello to you to, Clover," he said, "So you were talking about me?"

The two of us looked to Die, wondering if he would explain himself to Itchy. He shook his head, and left, off to annoy someone else. Itchy shrugged, and followed him out, asking Die if he wanted to play cards. Unsurprisingly, he accepted, and the two disappeared down another corridor.

"If Itchy's antics are what get him killed, Die's short temper, or short attention span, will be his," Clover sighed.

"Probably," I agreed.

 

[Blisk]

This is my favorite part. Don't ask why, I just love how you compared the speed of the characters. Keep posting this here please, Rex.

 

[Rex]

Working with The Felt had its ups and downs. One of the largest downs was Snowman. She was the only girl in the gang, and probably the most dangerous of the bunch. How can I describe Snowman? She was stronger the Cans, but nowhere near as ugly. I first met here during my first week with The Felt, and the experience scared me for the rest of my life, literally and figuratively…

It was my sixth day with The Felt. Stitch was making me an effigy; somehow those things could stop you from dying, if Stitch could repair them in time. There was also the danger of the effigy being destroyed, which would kill you as well. Stitch hid them well, though, so there was little risk of any of them being destroyed by anyone but him. This made him a very dangerous enemy to have.

"Hold still or I won't be able to make it right!" Stitch yelled for the one hundredth time.

It was very hard for me not to fidget while Stitch sewed the effigy together. Every so often I felt pricks in my arms as the effigies magic struggled to activate. Stitch had added a bandanna and goggles very similar to my own to the effigy before finishing it. I think he did it to spite me, but I really didn't know. Eventually, the pricking stopped; Stitch had finally finished my effigy.

"Finished, you can move now," the tailor called to me.

I immediately got up and stretched. I hated sitting still for so long. I watched as a rope descended from the ceiling, a hangman's noose on the end. Stitch hung the effigy by the neck, making me feel a choking sensation for a moment. Stitch watched me struggle, taking some sort of pleasure in my pain. After I could finally breathe again, the effigy was hoisted into the ceiling, disappearing to wherever The Felt's tailor kept them.

Suddenly, Die stumbled into the room, aided by Crowbar and Fin. He looked badly beaten, and was muttering curses at the Green Torso known as Snowman. I had never met Snowman; all I knew is that her hat said "8" and that she was not one to be messed with.

"Found his Future Trail lying helpless outside of Snowman's room," Fin reported, "Retard must have appeared in there."

"I can hear you, you know," Die gurgled.

Stitch nodded, and another roped lowered itself from the ceiling. There was an effigy in the noose on this one as well, wearing a green bowler hat. Its rips and marks matched Die's wounds perfectly. Crowbar and Fin enlisted my aid in getting Die on his feet, though I still didn't realize what was going on. Stitch started to repair the holes in the effigy, at the same time, the holes in Die started to disappear, and it was only then that I realized that the effigy was Die's. Stitch worked quickly, a lot quicker then what he had when making my effigy, and Die could soon stand on his own feet.

"Take note," Fin said to me while Die was receiving the finishing touches on his repairs, "that is what happens to those that cross Snowman."

It was at that moment, when Die had finally finished getting repaired, that Snowman walked in. She was smoking, using one of those old fashioned cigarette holders to keep the keep the cigarette away from her face. When she saw Die her eyes narrowed, and she took the cigarette holder out of her mouth and put the lit end of the cigarette on the back of Die's head, making him shout out in pain. He crumpled to the floor, while a small fire appeared on the effigy. Stitch put out the fire while I made the mistake of running towards Die to see if he was alright.

As soon as I got close to Snowman, her cigarette holder transformed into her trusty lance. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground, with a hole in my chest! Snowman stared at me, contempt in her eyes, before stalking out of the room. After that, my memory is fuzzy, but I do remember Crowbar helping me to my feet, and Stitch quickly patching up the hole in my effigy's chest. After that I passed out, and woke up in my room the next day, with a cross-like scar on my chest.

 

[Blisk]

That's cool. Snowman is sure a mystery. I love the effigies. I would love to be able to be patched up that easily...

 

[Rex]

(Everything Snowman does in this post that involves the bodily harm of another person, she does in the story this is a fan fic of. If you have issues with her power, take it up with the creator of the story, not me.)

Mayor Jackson "Spades Slick" Noir, or Mayor Slick, as he was known, was normally a very calm and thoughtful man. The first time I met him up close was during one of Lord English's delegations. I went with Snowman, Crowbar, and Die, with Cans acting as a Bodyguard. When we met him, he was really fidgety…

"Are you sure we can just walk in?" I asked worriedly.
"Yes," Snowman answered, sounding annoyed, "If anything does go wrong Cans will literally knock any attackers into a different era."

I nodded, knowing that if I pressed Snowman any further, I would lose my tongue, or worse. It still hurt a little to breath from when she impaled me with her lance, which was once again pretending to be a cigarette holder. We had walked into the Mayors estate; none of the guards had tried to stop us, too scared of Cans to want to try anything. I didn't see how anything couldn't be scared of Cans; the guy was practically a tank! He was three times as tall as Clover, and at least four times as wide.

At Snowman's command, Crowbar pried the large double doors open, allowing us into the large estate. The five of us entered a large main chamber, Cans having a little trouble because of his size. A guard rushed us, nightstick raised, obviously new at his job. Before Cans could react, Snowman drew her Black Inches, a very powerful whip, and flicked it at the man. It wrapped around the arm he held his weapon in, and ripped the limb clean off! The man fell, screaming his head off, clutching the bloody stump where his arm once was.

Die shuttered, "I saw her do that to the mayor in an alternate timeline, I hoped I never had to see her do it again."

Snowman walked further into the chamber, kicking the man aside as she went. She looked up to a maid standing on the stairs. The woman was obviously scared, but she couldn't take her eyes off of Snowman.

"Tell Slick that the Felt are here for our monthly visit," Snowman ordered.

The maid nodded, and dashed up the stairs. Crowbar, Die, and myself hurried up to where Snowman waited, dodging around the still screaming guard; Cans stayed at the door, too big to go any further into the house. After a moment the maid returned, motioning for us to follow her. She hurriedly led us up the stairs and down a hallway, opening the door to what appeared to be a study. She bowed as we entered, the closed the door behind us.

Mayor Slick looked like he belonged in the mafia. He wore a black suit, and a black hat. When he saw Snowman, he seemed to shrink several inches, and began fidgeting.

"Hold still Slick," Snowman growled, forcing the mayor's head up so she could stare him in the eyes, "something in your eye."

She removed the cigarette from her holder and took the thing out of her mouth. In one quick motion, she stabbed the mayor in the eye with it, then pulled it out again and wiped the blood off of it into Slick's suit. She then returned it to her mouth, and put the cigarette back on the end. She released the mayor's head, and stepped back.

"That's for Matchsticks and Quarters," she growled.
"I-I'm sorry," Mayor Slick whimpered, clutching the area his eye once resided in, "I didn't know the police would be in that area at that time."
"It's your job to know," Snowman answered, "make sure it doesn't happen again, or I'll take more than your eye."

Without another word, she walked out of the room. Crowbar and Die quickly followed. I looked back at the whimpering mayor one last time, before following the others out. We were able to leave with no incident, and the guard had already been hauled off to the hospital by the time we returned to the main room.

When the mayor next made a public appearance wearing an eye patch, he told everyone he had had an accident in the office, and imprisoned his chief-of-police for ordering his men to kill Matchsticks and Quarters, who he called innocent civilians. By that time, I knew not to doubt the power of The Felt.

 

[Tabby]

This is a great story. A bit confuseing because of the names...but its pretty cool.

 

[Blisk]

I don't know why, but Snowman is my favorite character. She'll do anything, even if it's cruel, to get her way. Interesting story, I can't wait to see what you come up with next.

 

[Rex]

Eggs and Biscuits, the group morons, by far the weirdest members of The Felt. They were charged with guarding Clover, who, in turn, protected Lord English's vault. They weren't very smart, or very strong, but Eggs's Temporal Powers allowed them to overwhelm opponents by sheer force of numbers. I remember meeting them for the first time…

It was another day guarding the Vault. Clover was stilling on his usual column. And I was deep in conversation with Crowbar, Trace, and Die. Fin had avoided the area for the day, which was odd for him. Unfortunately for the rest of us, we would soon find out why.

Biscuits and Eggs had chosen to play a game of hide-and-seek. This meant that Biscuits would hide in his oven, which was hidden behind a pillar in the vault room, while Eggs wandered the mansion, trying to find him. Eggs disappeared into a different room, while Biscuits quickly disappeared into his oven. After several moments Eggs reappeared, and looked the room from top to bottom. Once it became apparent, to him at least, that Biscuits was not present, he started to wander out of the room, before stopping and moving to the center of the room.

"What's he up to?" Trace asked, motioning to Eggs.
"I don't know," Crowbar answered, "but I think we are about to find out."

Suddenly, a ringing sound pierced the room. Seconds later, dozens of Eggs started to appear in the room, called by the timer. Normally, some would appear holding Biscuits's oven, but this time they appeared without it. The four of us were quickly engulfed in the horde of Eggs. No doubt that idiot intended to use them to help him find Biscuits.

"What the hell, Eggs!?" Crowbar shouted, "One of you is more than enough!"

The Green Torso pulled out his trusty crowbar, which was the same color as his hat. He smashed in the nearest Eggs's head. Suddenly, all movement stopped. Each and every one of the Eggs had turned to look at Crowbar's bloody crowbar. Then, in perfect unison, they shrieked, loud enough for everyone in the mansion to hear! The noise was so horrid that we all had to cover our ears! After that was done they made for the door, only for Cans and Snowman to appear, blocking the exit.

"What did you idiots do?" Snowman yelled, to this day I'm not sure if she was addressing us or Eggs.
"Hide-and-Seek gone horribly wrong," Die whimpered, before jabbing Eggs and Biscuits's pins into his voodoo doll and disappearing.
"He'll pay for that later," Snowman growled, "you five help me get rid of them! We only need one alive."

Snowman pulled out her Nine Inches. She swung the whip, which wrapped itself around the head of one of the dozens of Eggs and ripped it clean off. Eggs's next screech launched the rest of us into action. Crowbar swung his weapon of choice at any Eggs that came near him, while Trace and Cans used their fists. Trace couldn't do much, but each of Cans swings sent at least three Eggs into different points in time, temporarily remedying the problem. At least they were too stupid to try and return. Clover and I each had a knife, which we used to our advantages.

Itchy suddenly joined the rest of us in the vault room. He was armed with a gun, and looked like he had important news.

"Stitch is heading to the warehouse he keeps Eggs's and Biscuits's Effigies in with Fin and Sawbuck. Give him a few minutes, and the problem will be solved for us," he called, before joining in the fight.

After maybe ten minutes of near constant screeching, all but one of the Eggs went up in flames. One last screech and they all fell over, dead. The noise finally roused Biscuits enough for him to come out of his oven. Eggs noticed him, and walked over to him through the carnage, tagging him as if nothing had happened.

In a strange act of kindness, Snowman allowed us all a few days off to fully recover any injuries our minds or ears might have taken from all the Eggs. A few days later, Die reappeared, and… Let's just say that Stitch had a lot of work to do that day.