1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Kuei-Jin

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by IzumiRyuu, Jun 16, 2009.

  1. random story that i started. for those who have played colosseum, then you'll get it a bit more. yes i included Wes.

    Before The Battle (or part 1 of 3)

    Wes looked into the sapphire eyes of the white wolf in front of him. Its nine tales seemed to have a mind of their own and their movement caused then to glisten in the afternoon sun. It seemed bent on not letting him leave Phenac.

    "Just what do you want from me?"

    It said nothing and continued to watch him. Little did he know that it was listening to the sounds around it. Loud sounds made it jump to its feet and growl.
    Just then a large black creature came hurtling towards them and the wolf jumped to meet it. The force of the impact sent them both to the ground. The creature was the last one to get up; big mistake. The wolf was on it before it could even have time to think, slashing and biting at the throat. When she stood again, her face was covered in the monster's blood.
    Breathing heavily, the wolf turned towards the boy.

    "This is why I need your help."

    Before he could reply to that, it went over and dunked its head in a fountain of water to try to clean its face.

    "You need my help with what?"

    Just then Wes's Umbreon and Espeon came out of their Poke balls. Both gave the wolf an apprehensive look before going over to see what was going on. They didn't view the wolf as a threat because neither of them attacked.

    "They seem to trust me. Now are you going to keep stalling?"

    It didn't wait for a reply before picking him up and putting him on its back. Easy when you stand six feet tall.
    She took off into the desert at a pace that couldn't be matched by his bike and she only stopped when the sun had set.

    "My name is Mao by the way"

    He looked at her, startled. He was obviously not concerned with the formalities.

    "I'm...."

    "I know who you are. How do you think I found you. It wasn't by sheer dumb luck, I can assure you. I wanted to ask something though. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?'

    "Seventeen"

    She had to turn away to stop from laughing. Compared to her age he was no more then a baby.
    "How old are you??"

    She couldn't reply right away because of her laughter.

    "I'm almost 400 years old"

    He went bug eyed at this.

    "No human or animal can live that long. How did you manage that?"

    Mao sat up and looked between Wes and they fire.

    "Simple. I'm neither human nor animal. By they way, call me either of those again and I'll kick your ass. My people consider that an insult."

    "I'm confused. Your people?"

    She sighed and shot him a glare. He was clueless.

    "We are Magi. We are the reason that there's magic in the world and yes we all have the ability to become wolves. The number of tales signifies how much power they have, ten being the highest and one the lowest. We cannot die by natural causes however, if we are injured bad enough, we can die. Does that satisfy you?"

    "Ummm.... how come I'm just hearing about this?"

    "We like to stay hidden. Although with our dragons, it's hard to believe that anyone hasn't heard us by now"

    It seemed that it wasn't sinking into his head. Not surprising considering how much information she just gave him. She let it go and went to sleep.
    The first rays of the sun woke her. She looked over at Wes who was curled up and obviously still asleep. She decided to leave him for a little while longer and go hunt. When she got back, he was pacing.

    "Where have you been, where are we going and why did you kidnap me?"

    Mao sat and closed her eyes.

    "You got any family kid?"

    "No"

    "Then you weren't kidnapped. Being kidnapped implies that you have a family to go back too. If you're so upset about it then go back; but be warned, you do that and my people, including myself will die and this world along with it. Is that what you want?"

    "Well no..."

    "Good. Now get on. We should be there by sun down"

    She took off again, this time through forest and fields. It was midday before they saw any signs of life.
    While running through a field they were almost toppled by a dragon flying overhead. It landed not far from them. The silver and black dragon greeted her but paid no attention to Wes.

    "He's taken over hasn't he?"

    The dragon nodded and said nothing.

    "And what happened to everyone?"

    "They've either fled or they're dying, Proxies included"

    Mao grew silent for a moment before coming to one conclusion.

    "It would be faster if we fly don't you think?"

    A small smile crossed the dragon's face as he waited for Wes to get on. As soon as he was securely on, it took off. Mao changed form, released her wings and took off in hot pursuit.

    "How did you?...."

    He twisted around and almost fell off the dragon's back

    "There are many things that humans have forgotten"

    When the castle came into sight the dragon stopped and let Wes off. He felt it rather then saw it, the black aura that surrounded the castle. It was that black aura that was killing everyone inside.
    Mao walked up to the front gates to find and amber coloured wolf with seven tails lying across the stairs. It gave a pitiful whine as Mao licked it's nose.

    "He's dying. I've got to move him"

    Mao picked him up by the scruff of the neck as best as she could and dragged him into the field; away from the aura. He gave a small bark and went to sleep.
    She looked at Wes and then to the gates.

    "Shall we?"

    A/N: ill post part 2 after grad next week. a.k.a. next friday, approximatly. maybe sooner if i have the time
     
    #1 IzumiRyuu, Jun 16, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. Sir Red

    Sir Red Charms' Caped Crusader

    Hm...I'd like to help you out by giving some constructive criticism:

    Your fic had no real flow to it, you seemed to jump from scene to scene with no real description or anything. You need to describe what the scenery looks like, the characters, their emotions, and thoughts. You need to more gradually introduce the plot upon the main character, as well as on the readers. And don't just assume that we all know what Wes looks like, I for one don't. Also, state who's speaking after the quote, otherwise it can sometimes be very confusing.

    By no means is this a bad idea, with a little more effort and elaboration this could be very good. I hope to see an improved part 2.
     
  3. i should have mentioned that i don't really do short stories. My shortest story was like 49 pages hand written. I'll be the first to admit that i really need practice. Actually I think I'm going to rewrite part 1 before posting part 2. Then you can have another look at it and tell me what you think
     

Share This Page