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Kanto Rocket Rage

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by PhantoAce, Jun 19, 2009.

  1. Hey guys, just Like I said, here comes my new General Fiction. Its basically about Shay again but the storyline is completely different to my last.

    So heres the first Chapter and I know It could do with a bit of work towards the end but tell me what I can do to improve it.

    Chapter 1: Return to Kanto

    Shay looked out of the small window in the ferry. He sighed as Sinnoh slowly crept out of view. He frowned, thinking of all his old friends. He grasped his old Pokétch in his hand. He thought back to the day he obtained it, on one of his first adventures.

    ***

    Shay had only one Pokemon with him back then, his little Chimchar, who he had been given as a Gift from Professor Rowan. He was happy just to be with a Pokemon back then. Although Chimchar wasn't very strong, he was a partner. They had just been walking into Jubilife, when an odd looking man came shooting straight past him, with odd blue and red watches falling from in his arms. A older man soon ran past yelling 'STOP THAT THIEF'. Shay and Chimchar had gone chasing after the odd looking man, until he threw a Pokeball at the two.

    Shay and Chimchar looked to the Pokeball as it landed on the Ground. Was it empty? Nothing had come out. Shay slowly walked to pick up the pokeball when its zapped him. It was not a Pokeball, but a Voltorb. Chimchar used a Flame wheel to destroy the Voltorb, then continued running after him. Soon, he was back in their sights. Shay tripped up the man, sending the watches flying in every direction. Shay held down the man and examined him. He seemed to be an everyday Sciencetist, but something was wrong. His lab coat had an oddly shaped G on it. Shay pushed him out of the way and he ran, not bothering to pick up any of the Watches. Shay picked up some of the Watches, along with Chimchar's help.

    Soon, the old man came and saw Shay. He began to yell at him for 'stealing' the Watches. Shay immediately told him what had happened. He smiled. "My mistake." He said. Shay, Chimchar and the man carried the Watches back to Jubilife and into a large Building. The man began to speak to shay. "I'm sorry about earlier. I am Mr Poketch and I am incharge of the Poketch Company. As a thank for returning all of the Poketch's, I would like to make my latest male model of it, a gift for you." Shay took the Poketch and left, saying how thankful he was for it. All of Shays Adventures involved the Poketch in some way, and he couldn't stand the thought of sinnoh everytime he looked at it.

    ***

    As a tear fell from his eye, he crushed it, along with any other items relating to Sinnoh. He looked out of the window again, to see Sinnoh was no longer in view. He frowned and looked down to his Pokéballs. He had bought few of them with him, even leaving his old Jolteon Volt back with Professor Rowan.

    Volt was Shay's Top Notch Pokemon. Volt and Shay would never leave eachothers side. They spent all day together, training and having fun. He had obtained the eevee from a Girl in Hearthome known a BeBe. Shay had immediately evolved him into a Jolteon, In order to help him against Crasher Wake. Little did he know that Volt would become a life long friend. As soon as he had evolved, Volt had fallen in love with training with Shay. Shay would train him with care, and give him Poffins all the time. Volt was on every adventure with Shay, Never leaving his side. He even helped to challenge The elite four of Sinnoh, even though he had failed. Shay always thought as Volt not only as a Pokemon, but as a friend.

    Volt never thought of harming Shay, but leaving Sinnoh would be the biggest distought of his life. His mother had decided that now that his father had died there was no need to continue living in Sinnoh, so she Decided to move back to Kanto. This broke Shay's Heart so much, that he left almost every Pokemon that he loved in Sinnoh, where he could not be reminded of them. He told Prof. Rowan to keep them safe and healthy for when he would need to call on them in Kanto.

    He thought about his adventures in Sinnoh. Climbing Mt. Coronet, Swimming around Iron Island, Exploring the Solaceon Ruins. But all that meant nothing now. He was returning to the Place where he was known best. To the place where he was the strongest Trainer. He was returning... to Kanto.

    Shay had been born In Kanto, but raised up in Sinnoh. Every now and again, he would return to Kanto for a few months. Over every visit, he would visit Gyms, earning the Kanto badges. First Pewter, then Cerulean, Vermillion and Celadon, Saffron and Fushcia and lastly, Cinnabar and Viridian. Then, the next time he visited, he was in time for the Pokemon League Challenger Champpionship. He entered it 4 times during his visits, and had won everytime, undefeated. Although, he did wind up having very, very powerful challengers after that.

    He turned on the onboard Television. There was no channels active. All of the Channels were static. He had expected no less. After all, they were flying between several Regions. He smiled as he thought of his greatest challenges in Kanto. His 4 Victories over the Pokemon League Championships, Coming first out of 100 every time. His defeat of Lorelei of the Elite Four, a battle he will never forget. A battle so intense, Shay almost gave up at the end of it.

    ***

    Shay's hardest ever challenge was defeating Lorelei, even with Charizard for her Ice types and Volt for her water it was difficult. Several members of her team had been a challenge, including her Dewgong and Cloyster. He has never forgot how close he came to defeat.

    "Alright Shay, your a good trainer But no one has ever beaten my Cloyster." Shay's Volt was badly injured and almost out. He knew Take Down would take down Clyster, but so would Volt. Then he smiled, and ordered Take Down. It hit, sending Cloyster down to the ground. Cloyster was clearly out, but what about Volt. Soon, the puff of smoke had cleared and volt was laying oon the ground. Shay hinted a smile. Volt slowly clambered up onto its feet, with Lorelei's Cloyster fainted on the ground. "Champion Shay is the Victor!" The referee raised Shay's Hand into the air. Shay smiled, and returned Volt to his Pokeball. He put his hand out and shook hands with Lorelei. She looked up at him.

    "Well done boy... Maybe you are the strongest Trainer..." After that, she left. He wondered about what she had said. He knew he was strong, but the 'Strongest'? Who had told her that? And...why? Shay pondered about it for a while, but gave up the thought and headed to the Pokemon Center to heal up.

    ***

    He had made a promise to himself. He would keep himself hidden from the rest of the world while he trained to take down the Kanto Elite Four Members. He had a few Pokemon awaiting him in Kanto, Including his trusty Dragonair and Scizor.

    He began to smile. Maybe moving back to Kanto wouldn't be so bad after all. Moving to Viridian would let him visit a couple of old places that he used to know. Maybe Green is still the Gym leader of Viridian. Or maybe he's moved on to other things. Either way, It'll be good to be back.

    The loud horn of the Gyrados Ferry blew, releasing the sound of the Gyrados call. Shay felt the Ferry slowly come to a stop. He walked to the front, where he met up with his mother and little sister. The three walked along the metal plank and onto Vermillion Harbour. Shay smiled. "Home sweet home." Shay slowly walked to the Pokemon Center, to get out his Pokemon to take them all to Viridian.

    Shay walked inside, to see Nurse Joy jump in Shock. "Shay? Is that you?" Shay smiled at her and nodded. "I haven't seen you for 3 years! Not since your battle at Vermillion Gym at least. You know, Lt. Surge hasn't been the same since. He's been even better!" Shay walked over to the PC, typed in his trainer ID and logged on. His mouse dragged onto BILL'S PC. He clicked on it and selected Withdraw Pokemon. He slowly scanned ll of his boxes. He found Pidgeot in BOX 3, Staraptor in BOX 5 and Swellow in BOX 8. Shay logged off and began to walk out of the Gym. Nurse Joy called out to him. "Make sure you pay Lt. Surge a visit sometime. I'm sure It'll be worth your while!" Shay smiled and walked outside. He threw out onto the Ground Pidgeot's and Swellow's Pokeball's. His mother Climbed on board of Pidgeot, and he helped his little sister onto Swellow. Swellow wasn'tr a particularry big bird, But it worked for his sister. Shay watched as the two began to take off.

    "Aren't you coming Dear?" His mother called to him Shay shook his head. She understood. "Be back before 10. It'll start to get dark then so make sure you ride on Charizard so you have some light." Shay nodded and watched the two on the birds fly away into the West. Shay smiled as they began to disappear out of view. He turned to look at Vermillion Gym.

    "Alright Surge, here I come..." Shay muttered under his voice as he began to walk towards the Gym.

    ((Okay so its done being modified. Changed the ending a bit and tell me what you think!))
     
    #1 PhantoAce, Jun 19, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. Teapot

    Teapot Virtual Duck Enthusiast
    Staff Member Administrator

    As a heads up, Laties edited his chapter after I posted this, so some of it isn't relevant any more.

    Yoohoo. It's me again. :D I'm sure you can guess what I am going to say first.

    You need to write a hell of a lot more. 413 words does not a fanfic make. Your idea has promise - a lot of promise - but what I find myself wondering more is why he left Sinnoh. It certainly seems an emotional time for him, and to be honest, I really want to know why his actions were so... drastic. Breaking the Pokétch? Leaving Volt behind? That, there, is gripping stuff. And watching him blast his way through the Kanto E4 again is probably... less so. One of the things you could do in the future is to write occasional flashbacks at the start of chapters - or, better, integrate them into the chapter.

    And yes, you're right. The ending is slightly shaky. It is, however, avoidable. I think that if you had put more thought into it, it would have been absolutely fine - never be afraid to leave a chapter as it is for a while so your brain can mull over it. You never know, you could go off and do something else and suddenly think of a great idea - but if you have already posted, it's useless.

    This idea has definite potential, though. Good job with what you have. :)
     
    #2 Teapot, Jun 20, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2014
  3. Thanks Databse, that really helps as usual. Hopefully, I'll have it all nice and tidy by tommorow so keep your eyes open on it for when I modify it.
     
  4. Data is right, this does have potential, but I find the huge blocks of text a little eye-hurting.

    In addition, how would a Jolteon know Volt Tackle? It's a Pikachu-line only one.
     
  5. I'm not reallyy sure. Maybe I'll explain it further into the story some time
     
  6. Teapot

    Teapot Virtual Duck Enthusiast
    Staff Member Administrator

    Oooh. You failed one of the fundamental rules of writing: Always be able to explain everything.

    To be fair, Volt should absolutely not be able to use Volt Tackle for the reasons Secad explained before. Unless it's justified the first time you use it, people will see it as an error.
     
  7. Its doesn't matter, I'm changing it to Take Down so that it makes more sense anyway
     

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