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Final Salvation

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by pokemongod4213, Jun 5, 2009.

  1. Behold foolish mortals!!! My first fanfic! Marvel at it's awesomeness!!! Ok, not that that's over, this is a drama/thriller whatever you want to call it fanfic. Mostly because I am terrible at writing humor. And apparently also at including pokemon in pokemon stories..... I will try to include some more in the next chapter. So, without out further ado I present to you, Final Salvation.

    Timothy stared at the ceiling above his bed, listening to raindrops splashing against the roof. He turned over, watching his Espeon sleep in its bed, all curled up, breathing calmly. How could it be so peaceful in a time like this, in which their lives could be cut short at any given moment? In which everyday was a struggle to stay alive? He sighed, and turned back towards the ceiling. Maybe that was why pokemon were stronger then humans, because they possessed the determination needed to get things done, no matter what happens along the way.

    Listening to raindrops splashing against the roof, Timothy remembered a time when things were better, a time when he didn't live in a shack, a time before the Horsemen appeared. The Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse. A fitting name for ones who brought so much destruction. Ever since they began their rise to power things had been bad. Their vast army committed unthinkable acts against humanity. But then they launched their final attack, plummeting the world into a nuclear holocaust, destroying modern civilization as we know it, and reducing this once beautiful planet into a wasteland. Timothy sighed. If there is a god, why does he allow such things to happen? Why does he allow his followers to be blown away like leafs in the wind? Why does he allow such beings to throw away the future of a promising teenager, who now spends his days working for hours on end, risking his life to hunt wild creatures just to get a decent dinner, which most would consider mere scraps? All these things went through Timothy's head as he lay there, listening to raindrops splashing against the roof, just as he did every night.

    Not bad if I say so myself! And that's only the beginning... There is much more action to come. So stay tuned for the next installment of Final Salvation!
    #1 pokemongod4213, Jun 5, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  2. It's not bad, but the bits where you used present tense could have been better in past, considering that that's what most of the section was written in. I'd suggest giving it a second look, just to make sure all your tenses are in the right place and that the reading flows well.

    It is however, very short. Two paragraphs does not a chapter make. Granted, the brief amount of backstory you gave was mildly intriuging, but only mildly. I think it might be a good idea to expand on Timothy's own experiences with the Horsemen, if only to give the reader of sense of connection with the boy. I'm assuming he's a boy anyway, you didn't give much indication about his age (or much else for that matter).

    The melancholy atomsphere is nice, but I wouldn't really say it's enough.
  3. Yes, Tatile made some very good points. The idea seems interesting, but that's it. Also, one of the first things I noticed was the lack of details, which instantly leaves the reader to imagine most of this.

    You should really elaborate on what you wrote so that we can read it and get a clear mental image of what's going on, just don't overdo it XD. Also try dividing the two paragraphs into a few paragraphs each so they're not just giant blocks.

    If it'll help, try looking at some of the other fics.
  4. It was meant more as a prologue then as an actual chapter. Still, all your concerns will be answered in the next chapter. And Timothy doesn't have any experiences with the horsemen yet, but he will soon.
  5. It was a prologue of a story. It was pretty good compared to some of my efforts. But then again, I think I am the most shit story writer ever. Everyone elso thinks differently though ah well. consider the points made by the others
  6. Teapot

    Teapot Virtual Duck Enthusiast
    Staff Member Administrator

    This is, in fact, very good. For two paragraphs.

    The problem is, as Tatile said, this is nowhere near as long as it should be. Two paragraphs, only just over a hundred words, does not do justice to even beginning this story.

    For examples of the sort of length you should go for... read the other fics we have here. Anything by Carmen, Sem, Stellarwind Elysidon, Nemesis, etcetera, etcetera. You'll notice that most of their chapters - individual chapters - are over five thousand words long. Now, you don't need to write nearly as much as that - but 500-1000 words, or about a page and a half of Word, is the absolute minimum.

    The real shame here is that what you have written is fantastic. The description is good, the style is good, and there is a real sense of foreboding. I genuinely want to know about the Horsemen, and I genuinely want to hear more about their effect on the Pokémon world. It's just too damn short.
    #6 Teapot, Jun 7, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2014
  7. I agree with Data. It needs to be longer. However, for what you do have, it is suspenseful and the subject is cool. I'm always interested in the Apocalypse.
    #7 Secad MS, Jun 8, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2014
  8. this is an awesome story man... 8)

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