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Emo Lyra.

Discussion in 'Creative Archive' started by Kerauno, Jul 19, 2010.

  1. (OoC: This is my first big work of fiction. It is up on Fiction Press, so check that out too. The first chapter is short, but just wait. This is a great story, and I rate it T for mild swearing, violence, and killing. Hope you all like it!)

    Emo Lyra​

    A story of conflict of friends and hope for better future.​

    Summary: In the year 2034, America is no longer at war with any other nations, but is at war with within itself. Social conflicts have arisen between groups, driving cities toward ruin. One girl gets caught in it all, putting her life in jeopardy. Her name, Emo Lyra. This is her story, and how she survived it all.

    Chapter 1: What happened?

    What has happened to us? The whole city is torn because of this! Wait… I should start from the beginning. Yes, I will.

    My name is Lyra. It’s the year 2034. This is the city of Atlanta, Georgia, the city of sociality. Many people used to come here for the history, or the culture involved in the atmosphere. But lately, tourists are very scarce. Even so, tourists still come, but leave quickly.

    Why? Because social tensions have arisen all around the country, affecting many groups. I should explain further. In 2030, in the city of Atlanta, Georgia, several social groups, such as the Skaters and the Jocks, thought they were better than the others, and started bossing them around. Frankly, the others didn’t like that and got angry. It’s recently gotten worse, about three deaths and five riots in the past six months.

    I belong to the Trennies. Trenny, is short for Trend Setter. We mostly go on to become fashion icons and decorators. Basically, you could be a Trennie for three reasons.

    1, you don’t fit into any other social group. In my group, there are some people who could be in a group all their own, but there aren’t enough of them. My friends Carla and Mina are just like that.

    2, you posses qualities from more than one group. Whether it’s a Skater who dresses like a Gangster, or a Goth dresser who acts like an Associate. I’m like that; An Emo dresser who acts like various different groups.

    Or 3, you hang out with Trennies, even though you are exactly like your specified group. Like my friends Brad and Raye. They belong to the Associate and the Artist groups, but hang out with the Trennies because they like us.

    The Trennies are a very large group. We relate to each other. We all believe that all the fighting is stupid and doesn’t solve anything. We only fight if we are in danger, and even so, we haven’t killed anyone yet.

    There are many groups fighting, and some have formed alliances. The Trennies are so large, we don’t need allies. The groups are: Goths, Emos, Gangsters, Associates, Artists, Dramas, Skaters, Jocks, Nerds, Singers, Writers, Cheats, Fashionistas, Models, Girlies, Technics, Pyros, Archies, Histors, Hookies, Drugees, Junkies, Swindlers, Drunkards, Riders, and Trennies.

    It’s a long list, I know, but these are the groups, and all can be deadly. One of my friends was killed by a Swindler, and three were injured critically by some Models. The most dangerous is the Gangsters, the least threatening, the Histors.

    I guess this all sums up the status of the country and what’s going on. I can remember how I got caught in all this mess. It ruined my life.
     
    #1 Kerauno, Jul 19, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  2. (OoC: Chapter 2 is up and running.This is the story I will publish later on, and I hope you guys still like it.)

    Chapter 2: When it happened Part I.

    It was a crisp October day. The leaves were just changing, and the apples were plentiful in the market. I woke up at 6: 30 and went through my routine of showering and getting dressed. I put on a black skirt and a skull-and-crossbones T-shirt with my black jacket. After applying my make-up, I raced downstairs for breakfast.

    My mother was in the kitchen cooking pancakes on the Micro-Stove. The Micro-Stove is fairly new, and is a stove and microwave all in one, and it’s solar-powered.

    “Hello Lyra, dear. Your pancakes are ready. Oh, did you take your meds?” My mother said cheerily.
    I tossed my black hair and replied, “Thanks, Mom, and yes, I took my meds.” I have a case of ADHD, and I need to take my meds with breakfast, and when I get home.

    Mom set a plate of raspberry pancakes in front of me, slathered with syrup. A glass of milk and a bowl of cinnamon oatmeal were set next to my plate. I dug in and my mom set two more places. She sat down and sipped her coffee.

    My sister, Halley, tromped downstairs and sat at the table. She slurped her juice and chewed her waffles loudly. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
    “Halley, can be a bit more civilized? This is 2034, and you act like a Neanderthal.” I said.

    “I can act however I want. You aren’t the boss of me.” Halley deadpanned, around a mouthful of breakfast.

    “Halley, use your manners.” Mom said, not looking up from her newspaper.

    “Yes, Mother Dearest.”

    Mom shot Halley a deadly glare. She looked away and munched her grapefruit quietly. Mom hates it when we call her “Mother Dearest”. It annoys her and she thinks we’re being smart when we say it.

    I stood up from the table and took my dishes to the sink. I set them in and the water turned on and scoured all the leftover food from the plates and bowls. Then the water was drained and I put the dishes away. The Auto Cleanser is a great invention, like the Micro-Stove. My father works for Alstro-Corp, the world leader in today’s electronics. We get freebies all the time.

    I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. I shouted good byes to Mom and Halley, and headed off to school.

    As I walked down Delane Street, I heard someone call, “Lyra!” I turned around and saw a girl wearing a puffy blouse and a long skirt racing toward me. She stopped in front of me and I got a better look at her. She was wearing a long light blue skirt with a poodle on a leash on it. Her blouse was white and puffy like a cloud. Her face was lightly dusted with blush, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

    I smiled at the sight of my friend Carla. She always dressed like a person from the 50’s, and loved modern art. She always has her camera and sketchbook with her. Her disposition is always sunny, and she never lies. That’s why I like her. She’s different.

    “Hey, Carla. How are you today?” I asked.

    “Oh, nothing much,” She replied. “A new modern art museum opened downtown, and I was wondering if you would like to come.”

    I smiled and said, “Sure. I’d love to go.”

    Carla leapt in the air and gave me a hug. “Oh, thanks you Lyra! Thank you so much! I promise, you won’t regret this.”

    “No problem. Please let go of me! I can’t breathe!” I squeaked.

    Carla let go of me and blushed. “Sorry. I was too excited. So, did you finish your poetry project? I finished my photo book.”

    “Yeah, I finished it. Take a look.” I said, handing Carla a small black book. She opened it to the first page and started reading.

    “Wind of the North, carry me away,

    To some unknown land, where I can stay,

    An island in the sea, an oasis in the sands
    ,
    Just take me away, from this crazy land.”


    Carla looked at me in awe. “Wow, Lyra. I’ve seen you poetry before, but this is great! I think you’ll get an A+ on this assignment!”

    I laughed and asked to see her portfolio. She handed me a small clear binder. I opened it to see pictures of flowers, bugs, organized photos, and pictures of her sculptures.

    “Carla, you’ve gotten better! And this azalea is beautiful!” I pointed to a small white flower. Carla accepted my praise and we walked to school.
    We mostly talked of school, art, our friends, and how much we hate Physical science. Carla suddenly stopped and swung her arm out to prevent me from walking further on.

    “What’s wrong, Carla? Is there a good photo opportunity around?” I asked, looking for a sculpture, or a nice scene.

    “Shhh! Keep your voice down!” She whispered. “Look down the street, the green van.”

    I looked in that direction and my blood turned to ice. A young man wearing baggy jeans, a green jacket, and Converse high-tops was leaning against the van smoking a cigarette.

    “Oh my gosh, that’s Mad Money. What’s he doing here?” I squeaked. Mad Money is a Gangster. His real name is Carl Longman, but he prefers Mad Money. There has been some bad blood between us for some time, but it was about to get a lot worse.

    Mad Money spied us down the sidewalk, tossed his weed aside, and stalked over, with his jeans sagging low.

    “Hey, hey, hey! What’s up, girlies? Hey can ya spare a brotha a dolla?” Mad Money said in his usual street slang.

    Carla pursed her lips and then said, “Hello Carl. No, I can’t spare you a dollar. And besides, if I could, I wouldn’t be wasting it on trash like you.”

    Money narrowed his black eyes, and stepped back. He put his hand on his hip, and I remembered that he had a knife. I nudged Carla in the ribs, warning her not to say more. She tore away from me, and looked at me straight in the eyes.

    “Lyra, I refuse to be scared of this guy any longer! Just because he mugged Raye a while back doesn’t make him a threat!”

    Then she turned back to Money. “And you! Just because you have a car of your own, and that you smoke doesn’t make you cool! In fact, you aren’t cool at all! You need to re-invent yourself, and stop being a trashy jerk!”

    Money backed up and turned away from us. He slowly walked to his car and got in. He started it up and slowly rumbled toward us. Carla and I backed up against the building behind us.

    Money stopped his car in front of us and leaned out the window. “You’ve just made a terrible mistake. Just remember, I’m not the only one with a gun.” Then he roared down the street.

    I turned to Carla and said, “Who said anything about a gun?”

    Carla just shook her head. “He won’t hold up on that promise. Let’s just go to school. I don’t want to miss Homeroom.”
     
  3. Sir Red

    Sir Red Charms' Caped Crusader

    Hmm, so the entire United States is your stereotypical Hollywood high school...interesting, to say the least. I've only read chapter 1 thus far, so I'm not at complete liberty to critique what you have thus far, but I'm interested to see how you develop and evolve this story. You have a nice writing style and I didn't pick out any real grammatical mistakes (other than things that would more or less be anal of me to point out :p), so that's always a massive plus. That being said, I noticed one thing that you seemed to miss whilst proof reading:
    Bit of a contradiction right there, saying it's getting worse and then following it up by discounting the amount of chaos. You'll just want to fix that up and all will be fine.

    Also, something that just seemed to rub me in an odd manner was the names of the groups. There seemed to be very little subtlety to the whole thing, if you had named the groups something different, but still kept them essentially as they are, the theme that this is about high-school cliques would be a deeper message. Not to mention that it would open up a more imaginative world to you and your readers. And the amount of groups could be a bit troublesome, so you might want to watch out for that.

    Seriously, though, you have a solid story on your hands here and you have a nice writing style. Keep it up and good things will happen. -^^-
     
    #3 Sir Red, Jul 19, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  4. Thanks for the critique. I knew those things were going to need to be fixed, and that one about downsizing the overwhelmed damage, I will fix. The voilence comes in chap. 3 and killing in chap. 5. And, it will be good. An update may come to be in about two days. keep reading!

    Okay, chapter 3 will take longer to get out. It's longer than the others, so it will be a while.
     
  5. Oh my freaking gosh. This is amazing, Kerauno! Please, keep going with this thing.

    Things I want to critique: I actually love the detail you give to describe the characters, and it seems you handle character development VERY well, as well as handling cliches (best friend being rather defiant and bold). Emotion releasing is also a thing you have.

    I can't really find a thing wrong with it...I think you have this written on the palm and backside of your hand. It's very unique and good.
     
  6. Thank you, thank you. And it gets better! There is violence,, drama, death, and emotion in the next chapters, and Lyra gets... No spoilers. Sorry. But, a major characters dies later. I won't say who, but death! Anticipate it! And thanks, for the review.
     
  7. Hmm. I do think it is interesting, as you are creating a future that is high school extended past graduation. I would love to read more about how this society emerged, and why it took hold.
     
  8. -Claps- This is brilliant~

    Good luck on your series, even if this is kinda late~
     

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